How do I forgive my mum for this?

[HowDoIGetOverIt]

I’ve been in therapy recently for CSA, and I’ve found myself questioning a lot of my mums treatment of me, especially as I hit my teen years. I wasn’t an easy child and we clashed a lot, so when I hit 16 I moved out, and got a place with my boyfriend at the time.

It turned out that he was fairly abussive, very controlling and jealous. After a couple of years of living with him, I asked my mum if I could come home for a bit, I needed to get away from him. She has said no, I’d made my bed and had to lie in it. So instead I made my own way, found a place I could rent on my own and left him. The deposit for my new place had used up all of my wages for that month, and I had a week left before pay day and only a box of 6 cup cakes to last my until then.

So, I called my mum, thinking that she might be proud of my for sorting out my own place and getting away from my ex, I asked if she could lend me £10/£20 so that I could get some food in to last me until payday. She said no. There was no history there, I’d never borrowed a penny from her and she’d never given me money, she hadn’t let me take anything but my own clothes when I moved out. Since then she has given my siblings plenty of money over the years, helped them whenever they’ve been in need, but it’s never been extended to me.

That day, I realised I could never ask her for anything, I was on my own. In a way it was the making of me, but I’m also reflecting on this a lot now and can’t believe she could be so heartless as to leave me with no food after I’d made my own way out of an abussive relationship at just 18 years old.

Is this as bad as I think it is, or am I maybe over thinking it? This was 20 years ago now, so I feel like I should be able to leave it in the past, but combined with other things, I’m struggling not to feel really angry! How do I move on from it?

Don't forgive her. It's unforgivable.

Don't forgive her.

Do not forgive her.
She's a horrible person.

She sounds neglectful. To leave your child without food is unforgivable imo.

How awful for you. I wouldn't be able to forgive her for that. Now that I'm a mum myself, I can't imagine not helping my children when they desperately need it, even if we did fall out or not get on. I would lend a stranger a tenner if they had no food to last until payday, never mind my own child!

I agree with the pp. Don't forgive her.

I'm so sorry. Not too dissimilar from my situation. I don't think she deserves your understanding or forgiveness. Any attempts at a reconciliation or acknowledgement of your feelings and pain are likely to lead to more harmful encounters.

It's awful, but I have come to the realisation that the only thing I can change/influence is how I react to everything. I wish I had better advice for you.

You might find the "Stately Homes" threads on here helpful - they are very supportive and full of wise empathy and advice: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

Every best wish for your future. You sound like a strong, wise person and I am sorry that you have had to go through all this. xx

I'm sorry for how you were treated by someone who should have supported, protected and loved you. On the plus side - you never need to feel compelled to help her in her old age. Let your siblings do it if they wish to, but wash your hands of her with a clear conscience and enjoy the rest of your life

That's very bad. Are you in touch with your mum now? Has she ever given an explanation?

Why shouldn't you feel angry? Sounds like exactly the right way to feel. What your mum did was unforgivable.

I'm sorry, I can't imagine how this is feeling. As others have said, you don't have to forgive her. Certainly not to put it behind you. What she did was absolutely disgusting. I'd move heaven and earth for my child, as I'm sure most would. And blimey, I'd give a stranger a tenner for food if they were going without and it isn't like I'm flush at all. It's basic human decency. You got out of an awful situation on your own (which you should never have had to do alone) and she couldn't even make sure you had some food? Regardless of the fact she's helped her other children (which considering her treatment of you is pretty disgusting), she was an awful person and to do that, personally, is unforgivable.
It sounds like you're really trying to work past things and I wish you all the very best. X

Horrific behaviour from your mother.

I hope you have nothing to do with her.

You owe her nothing but your contempt.

Lots of people saying hang on to your anger and resentment. I don’t agree.

If you can forgive her, you set yourself free as well.

Thank you everyone, I feel a bit emotional reading the replies, I mean you’re all much kinder than she ever was to me! She’s very defensive, and if I tried to talk to her about this she’d likely roll her eyes and tell me I’m being sensitive. I’ve distanced myself from her over the last year because I’ve been feeling this anger and not been sure how to deal with it.

The sad thing is, I really wish I could have a relationship with her. I’ve already cut off my dad, as he was the one who sexually abused me (she didn’t know as far as I’m aware, but I’ve never spoken to her about it), so I don’t really want to lose my mum too. I’m desperate to feel like one of my parents loves me, but I think I have to accept she’s never going to fill that role. It’s so bloody painful though!

You can move on from it without forgiving or forgetting. You assign that unpleasantness to her as being who she is, nothing to do with anything you did/do and you choose to ignore her.

I have neither forgiven nor forgotten the behaviour of my parents. But I haven't clung to what they did either. It is something they did rather than something that is part of who I am.

I feel you. I’ve had filled out food bank forms telling my parents how desperate I was (just escaped a DA relationship with a baby in tow) and was told I “had to do what I had to do” to put food on the table, they didn’t even offer a tin of beans from their cupboard. They earned roughly 60k between them, I was penniless and starving, another time I also begged them to let me and my baby stay on their sofa to get away from the DA after a particularly bad time, they refused and sent me home in tears. I will never forgive them, infact I’m NC with my mum because of other awful treatments, I wish I could go NC with my dad but he turns up when he wants and doesn’t give up.

It's understandable why you want to salvage a relationship with your mum, but I think it would be harmful for you to do so. She has treated you appallingly. Are you still in therapy? I would ask if you can also have some sessions on your mum's neglect and lack of care when you needed her most. If you do want to continue a relationship with her, I think you need to have worked through some of your feelings in therapy, and then you and she need to have some guided sessions as well so that you can confront some of the unspoken aspects of the relationship in an environment where she can't call the shots. I still think this might ultimately be too painful for you, though. The scapegoat/golden child dynamic suggests your abuse at the hands of your father is part of a wider dysfunction.

It is something they did rather than something that is part of who I am

This is what I’m starting to realise through therapy. I used to think I must be such an awful person to be treated like that, now I’m starting to see it was her flaw, not mine. But that’s left me with not knowing how to process this new anger I suppose. Before I just used to swallow all my negative feelings for the sake of having her in my life, but that’s become much harder to do now.

Sorry this happened to you, I have a very very similar experience and I constantly feel like I am grieving. I am 1 1/12 years NC and it has lifted a great weight off of me. Similar to you, the experience of my mother was also the making of me despite struggling emotionally. Again similar to you when I moved out on my own my mother didn’t help me at all, I asked for the number for the removal company we previously used she never gave me the number, then months later after telling my sibling she said to him not me that she lost their number. My first car I remember taking a loan out for it I needed a car due to having my 2 year old and where we lived, I assumed she would want to help as I had been helping her financially a few months earlier, she did not help- then two years later she bought my brother a car because he had to walk home in the dark.

I think the lack of help is a control tactic in hopes you fail. It’s horrendous parents treat their children like this, stay strong ! This time of the year can be hard but your better keeping your distance and protecting yourself ♥️

Don't try to forgive her right now. It sounds like you're only properly confronting the reality of how badly she let you down repeatedly quite recently.
Feel the feelings and let yourself be angry.

The tao of fully feeling is a great listen on audible. There's no pressure to forgive, just a supportive understanding to keep you company while you feel your hurt and rage and disappointment.
I felt better after it.

You can choose to forgive but you can't forget something like that. I guess you can decide to let go of the resentment, and not let it fester inside you. Instead of focusing on what a lousy mother she was to you think about how great you are that you managed to turn things around on your own. None of your success in life is due to her. She failed as a mother and a decent human being. You owe her no consideration or respect and the best thing is to move on, leaving her where she belongs, in the past. Take pride in your achievements.

Write her a letter setting out how she failed you and what a lousy human being she is then laying out all the positives in your life. After each success write something like I did this despite your failure to be a decent mother, or I achieved this by my own efforts and refused to let your lack of humanity restrict my growth.

You housed and fed yourself despite her decision to refuse any support when you were penniless.You left an abusive relationship and made a new life despite only having a parent who was happy to leave you in that situation alone, which is in itself abusive. You are an amazing person and you have proved you don't need her so don't let her past actions have a negative impact on your life.

You poor thing. Not your fault your mother is a nasty bitch. Keep with the therapy and as advised, come on to the Stately Homes thread, plenty of people who will care about you there more than your mother who would see you starve. Disgusting.
Find your anger but let it propel you forward, don't let it drag you back. From my own experience I wouldn't bother with a letter, these horrible women do not care about their children, as unbelievable as it seems. Stay strong!

I don't see how anyone would be able to forgive her.

That is terrible. No decent mother would turn away a child asking for help to get away from abuse. I would give my last penny to my two if they needed it and my home is always their home.

Sorry this happened to you, OP. You deserved better

I'm so sorry you went through that OP, my DDs are both still young but whatever age they would be, if they came to me for something I'd do everything in my power to help them.
I think what she did is unforgivable.