How do I forgive my mum for this?

[HowDoIGetOverIt]

I’ve been in therapy recently for CSA, and I’ve found myself questioning a lot of my mums treatment of me, especially as I hit my teen years. I wasn’t an easy child and we clashed a lot, so when I hit 16 I moved out, and got a place with my boyfriend at the time.

It turned out that he was fairly abussive, very controlling and jealous. After a couple of years of living with him, I asked my mum if I could come home for a bit, I needed to get away from him. She has said no, I’d made my bed and had to lie in it. So instead I made my own way, found a place I could rent on my own and left him. The deposit for my new place had used up all of my wages for that month, and I had a week left before pay day and only a box of 6 cup cakes to last my until then.

So, I called my mum, thinking that she might be proud of my for sorting out my own place and getting away from my ex, I asked if she could lend me £10/£20 so that I could get some food in to last me until payday. She said no. There was no history there, I’d never borrowed a penny from her and she’d never given me money, she hadn’t let me take anything but my own clothes when I moved out. Since then she has given my siblings plenty of money over the years, helped them whenever they’ve been in need, but it’s never been extended to me.

That day, I realised I could never ask her for anything, I was on my own. In a way it was the making of me, but I’m also reflecting on this a lot now and can’t believe she could be so heartless as to leave me with no food after I’d made my own way out of an abussive relationship at just 18 years old.

Is this as bad as I think it is, or am I maybe over thinking it? This was 20 years ago now, so I feel like I should be able to leave it in the past, but combined with other things, I’m struggling not to feel really angry! How do I move on from it?

The you were easy, or you made your bed are all adult excuses. They are also things misogynistic women say to excuse their own bad behaviour or the men in their lives. Usually because they have a controlling brute for a partner. And they take that value for themselves, put the men first always, no matter what.

Having empathy or trying to connect with someone like this is just exhausting. It will hurt you more.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry for everything you went through.

And incredibly impressed that at such a youthful age you managed to look after yourself. Leaving 2 abusive situations: your family home and then your boyfriend.

’Forgiveness’ is a big huge encompassing thing, with heavy moral and religious currency. But it seems to have many components, if you unpick it. E.g:

Freeing yourself of the hurt and harm: if you can look at what happened from a distance and rid yourself of most of the residue of self doubt, damage to self worth etc, engaging in therapy, then that seems a powerful thing to do for yourself.

Understanding her situation. Maybe you were (are) a walking beacon of guilt, of her failure as a mother. Maybe she has to blame you because she cannot bear to approach her own role in what happened. Maybe she has built your brother to be her personal proof (false, of course) that she was a good mother. Maybe she was being emotionally abused. Or maybe she is a narcissist. None of this need be the basis of all encompassing forgiveness but may give a perspective that she did it because if her, not because of you. I.e yes you were the victim but it was driven by other factors. (And consider that the root cause of leaving wasn’t her, but your sexually criminal father. Of course you were a ‘difficult’ teen!! But she may have thought that your behaviour was a primarily a rejection of her. For example, as I have no idea of the exact situation)

Self-care . Finding ways to feel good about yourself and your own future, freeing yourself from the anchor that was your past. It seems to me that much of this amorphous thing known as forgiveness is about being able to look forwards. You have already found some ways to do that.

None of this means denying that her behaviour was cruel and abusive.

‘Forgiveness” seems an overwhelming concept to me, and laced with a bit of guilt tripping.

So I would just concentrate on what happened, it’s effect on you, and how you relate to those effects.

You have amazing strength, OP.

@mathanxiety
Not to rub salt in your wound, but I would bet big money that your mum knew about the sexual abuse and decided to blame you and keep her mouth shut.

My thoughts exactly. Textbook!

For everyone else buy your mum a mug with Remember! Your Child/Children will choose your care home.!

I also agree that your mother knew about or suspected the sexual abuse.

And ignored it because she was being abused, because in some twisted way she was jealous, because it ‘kept him quiet’, because she didn’t have the courage to believe it, or whatever.

Hence you are a beacon of her guilt.

And people gaslight themselves rather than face the truth.

And many people who feel out of control blame others because it gives them a sense of control.

I do understand the wanting to have her in your life - it's the child who desires parental love. I'm glad you're having therapy and hope you can explore as the adult you are, what having her in your life brings to you now. Does she enhance your life in any way, is she a reminder of what you went through, does it make you feel stronger than you can still have some contact with her. You don't need her. You haven't since 16. You don't owe her a relationship. If you're finding it difficult to maintain one (and who wouldn't) then you don't need to have one. It doesn't have to be a forever decision either.

No wonder you ended up in an abusive relationship, your upbringing basically set you up for it.

Being angry with her is totally valid. She let you down so badly.

Okay firstly, do not push those angry feelings away. You’ve been doing that for many years and they’ve now surfaced. Feel the anger, and then let it go. Your mother was very cruel.

You can talk in therapy about how you would now like your relationship with your mother to be from hereonin. Good luck 💐.

I was an unloved child op. I chose to go completely no contact with my Mother.

My Dad died a few years ago and I came to realise that they were co-dependently abusive. Mentally I have lost them both and with the help of long term counselling I have grieved and accepted it.

I will always have a gaping hole where my parents love should be, but at least I don't still have the useless arseholes in my life. It is some consolation and - more importantly - has allowed me to move on with my own life with people I love and who love me.

This is a very helpful post!

@HowDoIGetOverIt anger isn’t wrong here. You have a right to feel angry and trying to suppress it will do more harm than good

you’re in a good place now, you’re in control of your life and now you know you have us too. If you have access to a therapist, you can use them to help you safely express that anger and process it. It’s possible to do this for yourself too. Feel the anger, speak it out loud, punch pillows if it helps, then remind yourself of how far you have come, and what it’s taken to get you there. Remember to thank yourself for being so strong and brave and remember to tell yourself how loved you are

your parents are horrific, and as others have said, it’s what they did and not something that you caused.
You always deserved better than this.

I find it so frustrating when people say "forgive them, set yourself free" - if only it was that simple.

If your mother is not sorry and asking you to forgive her, she does not deserve your forgiveness.

But you do need to feel the anger to get through this. I think people see forgiveness as a quick fix solution, when it doesn't work like that for everyone.

She sounds like a monster.

My kids are 25 and 24, both doing very well, and I still ask them now and again if they are okay for money, and make it clear that they only have to ask if they are ever short.

Your mothers treatment of you is downright bizarre.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through

I too, had a difficult childhood/parental coldness but over the years I've slowly realised something. We are all a product of our upbringing and surroundings unless we actively self reflect or have therapy. Your mother has been moulded by her husband and presumably by her own parents (who were moulded by their own parents, etc) to react a certain way. She will have also be moulded by society too, I don't know how old she is but there are plenty of women still alive who were legally raped in marriage and were unable legally to have their own credit card without written permission from their husband. They were effectively "owned" by their husbands and so had to obey their wishes. Conditioning doesn't disappear magically once a law has been passed. The fact she runs around after her DS who is similar to your father reflects her own conditioning on how to please a certain type of man. Please don't put all the blame onto her. For a start, would your father have "allowed" her to help you all those years ago?

You do not have to forget but you do need to make peace somehow with what happened between you and your mother and let go otherwise it will constantly follow and consume you.

It's possible to have compassion for a parent who failed.

But equally, forgiveness, discussion of circumstances, engaging with your mother is likely very damaging.

The poster who talked about co-dependent abuse is talking about something which is still pretty taboo. It is more common than people like to admit. It accounts for women staying in relationships which are abusive and also enables abusive behaviour towards the children, who are the weakest.

Children who grew up in such homes are right to be angry. It is failure as a parent to enable an abusive household. Because it does drop down generations. There are disordered families like this everywhere. The excuses women give now and indeed then are about the same for not doing something to change it.