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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with a lawyer - not sure how to handle

29 replies

AbsolutelyDrambulous · 21/12/2022 14:18

Have been seeing someone for almost a year and a half now (we don't live together), he is genuinely the kindest person I have ever me. However, the issue I have is his line of work.
He is an extremely busy lawyer, having said that - I do hear from him every single day, and we make time to call each other most days. The issue is when the sh*t hits the fan at work and something happens that makes him infuriated with work, he just goes off the grid and says he is not good company to be around and that he still loves and misses me but he is very angry with work right now.
This has happened a handful of times and it's been really hard to deal with. Most recently, I told him I would just leave him alone completely and he can contact me and I'm there for him. I won't speak to him all day and then he'll just send a message saying good night.
He is so lovely and kind and I respect that he wants to be alone to feel angry and knows he isn't good company, but it is so hard. I previously had an incredibly abusive relationship and my ex husband used to stonewall me for days and days, weeks and weeks on end and it feels like I am being shut out. I feel like this again in someway, like it's a communication breakdown, I appreciate the way he deals with it isn't abusive, he's just letting me know his mood and he will always reply if I cave and message him, he never ignores me.
I guess what I am asking is, how do I raise this with him and how it is making me feel without wanting to sound selfish? - I appreciate and respect his feelings and believe them to be valid as I certainly couldn't be a lawyer, but it makes me feel pretty crap, I guess partly because we don't see each other every day and don't live together.

OP posts:

layladomino · 21/12/2022 14:26

This isn't about him being a lawyer. It's about him, and how he deals with stress. He would be the same if he had any other job that came with stress.

It sounds like he is being honest with you, doesn't ever ignore you, is otherwise kind and decent. It sounds like he needs space when he's feeling stress.

If that doesn't suit how you deal with things, then you aren't going to be compatible I'm afraid. It wouldn't be fair to try imposing your ways of communicating on him when he's already feeling stress.

If this was a regular occurrence, then it would seem sensible for him to consider if he's in the right job, or if he needs to talk to someone about managing his stress.

SuperGinger · 21/12/2022 14:35

This could totally be him being a lawyer. What sort of lawyer is he? It can exceptionally stressful and there is often not time for much else, it can be all consuming.

mondaytosunday · 21/12/2022 14:38

Well said @layladomino! My late husband was a managing partner in a huge law firm and very long hours and stress (not anger though - I don't know how anyone could deal with a job that regularly made them angry) were part of it, but he found being with me a antidote to the stress. That's just the way he dealt with it. You have to accept how he deals with it if you see a future (and he remains in the profession).

Vinvertebrate · 21/12/2022 14:40

This is totally lawyer-relayed. (I’m a lawyer). Commercial/corporate/BigLaw stuff? Hell on toast. I feel for him - I got out years ago.

It’s genuinely a thankless and exhausting environment where you are battered by both clients and more senior partners. If you can’t accept it or he’s not amenable to a new career, then I’d find a non-lawyer boyfriend.

Many of us have Stockholm Syndrome and talk a good gam about leaving without doing anything about it. Even now I can estimate 6 minutes with clockwork precision and get stressed if a quick task takes longer than that.

Original poster

AbsolutelyDrambulous · 21/12/2022 14:54

Vinvertebrate · 21/12/2022 14:40

This is totally lawyer-relayed. (I’m a lawyer). Commercial/corporate/BigLaw stuff? Hell on toast. I feel for him - I got out years ago.

Think you're genuinely right about everything in the second paragraph of your comment. I think it is more so about how I deal with it and respecting the way he wants to deal with it, I have no idea what its like to work as a lawyer but can see its obviously incredibly stressful and like you say, thankless!

OP posts:

froggedup · 21/12/2022 15:03

Sorry if this sounds harsh as I know you're looking for advice, but I'm not sure how raising it will change anything, or that he should have to change. He's clearly self-aware enough to know how best to handle his work stress and he's communicated that with you and hasn't given you false expectations, so if you're struggling with how he decompresses then maybe it's just a compatibility issue.

You're not in the wrong at all for wanting more/having a partner who doesn't handle things by retreating into themselves for a bit, especially given your abusive ex. I dated someone lovely who had a very high-stress job, he was very honest about how he managed the stress and his time, but ultimately I needed more consistency and stability. We left it on good terms though. I hope you can come to some sort of mutual compromise.

Roselilly36 · 21/12/2022 15:11

I can totally believe this of a lawyer, I know someone who’s a lawyer, and this is exactly what he does if he has a big case. I don’t think, he’s giving you the runaround, I think it’s the nature of his job, only you know if that’s compatible with a relationship with you OP. Good luck.

superdupernova · 21/12/2022 15:14

The 6 minute thing made me laugh. I'm one of the few of my peers who got out (commercial litigation). Several have been talking about leaving since before I left but keep moving from firm to firm expecting it to be different instead. It's been nearly 7 years since I skipped out of the door!

Vinvertebrate · 21/12/2022 15:17

Well done @superdupernova its 6 years for me, spent far too long shinning up that greasy pile and then quit almost as soon as I got there! No regrets though! 😊

GoldenCagedBird · 21/12/2022 15:18

Do you want partner who goes off grid when ‘shit hits the fan’, who aren’t good company to be around when things are difficult?

You should be his sunshine- not another person he can’t really deal with because he’s stressed.

I‘ve had relationships with ‘career men’ and my husband is currently a CEO dealing with multiple time zones and regular fires that need to be fought. Even when we were dating- I was an absolute priority and still am. I never felt abandoned or frozen out by his work.

People will make apologies for this bloke because “big man job very important”- but if a man wants to see you he will. You sound very much at arms length.

GoldenCagedBird · 21/12/2022 15:20

I also avoid ‘angry’ men at all costs. I don’t like the sound of that. He’s in the wrong job if work is making him angry and he can’t be around the person he apparently loves?

asquideatingdough · 21/12/2022 15:26

I am a lawyer and it is hard to understand the intensity of the work and the way your self worth gets wrapped up in it if you aren't one. What you describe, OP, sounds totally normal to me (although not a good thing as the profession needs to change). The question is whether you are prepared to accept it in your partner. Unless he leaves his job for one that is less demanding he will be like this until he retires and then may struggle with the loss of that intensity. Stockholm syndrome is a good way of putting it! Have you discussed with him what his career plans are? Does he express any desire for a change ?

MMmomDD · 21/12/2022 15:27

This isn’t lawyer specific. This would be true of any high pressured profession that has fast pace and stress.
I used to work in a different but similarly passed environment. And needed time to focus in periods of high work volume, deadlines. My relationships were with people who also had corporate jobs, so it was never an issue to be busy and working.
What is it that you find so difficult? It seems that you need some sort of constant communication and reassurances through my the day? I am not sure that is a normal mode for an adult relationship. For me - this seems too insecure and needy.

He communicates well and tells you when he is busy and needs to focus/be on his own/etc. He replies if you contact him even in those periods of stress - which is more than most people would do.

You can of course leave and find someone who will be more focused on you. But in your place - I’d actually rather explore why you are feeling the way you do.

Original poster

AbsolutelyDrambulous · 21/12/2022 15:31

I am glad I started this thread, it is making me seeing things from a different perspective. He is very pressured in his role because he is also on the path to be made up which also creates more pressure. It's just when things happen that infuriate him at work that he needs time to decompress and I suppose I should respect that. As mentioned, if I was to call, he would pick up instantly, if I messaged he would reply back as soon as he could - we don't constantly communicate throughout the day as we're both busy at work, but I guess it is the extreme of talking and then just him going into himself because he's furious because of something that has happened at work. It's just learning to deal with his way of dealing with things. You are right, he has been honest with me about how he feels, he has never ignored me.

OP posts:

RabbitHoleOfHell · 21/12/2022 15:34

Sorry if this sounds harsh; surely this is about your insecurities, not his job or how he handles it? So what if you're not in contact for 24 hours or even longer? He's working, he's busy, and you're both adults. You're not joined at the hip, nor should you need to be. He sounds like he's considerate - even of your separation anxiety, which he forestalls with the perfectly reasonable explanation that he can't spend every waking moment with you over X period because of a looming deadline or whatever. Maybe you're a bit too intense, and he needs to come up for air, apart from having to work. Maybe it's you that can't handle him having a demanding career that's also (contrary to some PP's views) intellectually and financially rewarding simply because it's outside your immediate orbit where he gets to operate independently of you.

Mooshroo · 21/12/2022 15:36

God, the work completely takes over your life. I’m perma stressed.

Also my husband says I treat every argument like a court case 😆

cavily1806 · 21/12/2022 15:37

I could have written this OP, except DP isn't a lawyer- it's a similarly high pressure job with massive peaks in workload though. Like you, I've been in a relationship where silent treatment was used as a weapon do I struggle with this too. No advice except if he's otherwise kind try not to take it to heart. I know it makes me feel panicky when my DP gets like this though

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/12/2022 16:09

I'm like this with work, DP has always said that if she asks how my day was and I respond with just a grunt, then it's time to leave me alone for the evening.

If a day has been that bad, then I'm drained, I just want to go murder aliens on the computer for a bit, and deal with real life tomorrow. I really don't want to be around people and inflict my bad mood on them, it wouldn't be fair on DP.

Obviously if theres something that needs doing or DP actually needs me then i'll get over myself, plaster a smile on and deal with it, and if I'm in that sort of mood from work, then something's gone wrong and I'll be putting steps in place to make sure it can't happen again

MMmomDD · 21/12/2022 16:13

OP - wanted to add.
I think you massively projecting something your ex did - ‘silent treatment’ - onto this new bf.
It would probably help to realise that someone busy working/being stressed is NOT giving you silent treatment. And this has nothing to do with you.

Just think about partners of surgeons; paramedics, train drivers, policemen, etc - other people who are on the job and need to be focussed on the job. Many aren’t event allowed to be using their phones for personal communication during their work hours.
How would you be able to handle dating people in those professions?

Not sure why you keep mentioning that he ‘only does that when he is infuriated with something at work’. It doesn’t really matter which part of his job makes him most stressed and needing space. His job os what it is.

At least - he is in a corporate job and likely is/or will he quite well paid for what he does. Which isn’t always the case for people with stressful jobs.

theonlygirl · 21/12/2022 16:26

It doesn't really matter if this is normal for lawyers or other high flying professionals, what matters is how you feel about it and if you can live in a relationship where this happens? Everyone needs different things for their emotional wellbeing. Maybe you'll get used to it, maybe you won't, maybe you shouldn't. Only you know what you need and makes you happy.

billy1966 · 21/12/2022 16:40

His response to stress being anger, would be my concern and how that would work were you to live together?

Angry people are exhausting and very very stressful to live with.

You have had one stressful relationship.

Do you really want to be tip toeing around your home because he is in fould form?

Even if he isn't angry with you, you will feel his anger and the way it sours an atmosphere.

Is that how you want to live?

purpledalmation · 26/12/2022 15:13

Sounds a similar job to a senior policeman. He's been honest and it's up to you if you can cope with it

2bazookas · 26/12/2022 15:50

The "communication problem " is yours. You expect contact every day.

As if you were close family, or married, or committed partners who live together full time. But you're not.

You're just "seeing each other". A more casual relationship where its perfectly normal to go days without seeing each other or talking or having any contact at all.

ChristmasChair · 26/12/2022 16:06

Dont feel you Have to be OK with it. You Can and Are allowed to find someone with lots of time amd attention for you. You are not asking for too much but this bloke may not be the one for you. I am particularly thinking several years down the line if you intend to have children one way with him.

Elecktra22 · 26/12/2022 20:01

I’m a lawyer and work in house now. I can’t tell you how stressful private practice is. Without being rude, I think you’d have to have worked in an extremely high pressured job with high standards expected (think negligence claims) and billing pressure to understand it.
I ultimately couldn’t live like it anymore (money not worth the stress)
and I certainly wasn’t a good partner during that time

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