New Relationship - DD Issues

[MrsLynch]

Name changed to keep this separate from my usual posts.

Background is I separated from DH 3 years ago due to his cheating and problems with alcohol. We are now divorced and moved on, he is currently single after splitting from his AP, and after much animosity we have finally reached a point where we are amicable and co-parent relatively well.
I met someone else around 8 months ago and things are going really well. The problem is that my DD15 point blank refuses to meet him, or discuss him with me and gets noticeably angry whenever his name is mentioned. This is not personal to him, she just does not like the fact that I have a boyfriend. In contrast, my DS11 has met him, really liked him and doesn’t understand DD’s problem.
DD is an intelligent, emotionally mature girl and her point blank refusal to even have a conversation about my relationship has thrown me. I get that she is upset about the change in status quo and is possibly feeling insecure. I feel that she would like me to be single forever.
I am doing my best to address this sensitively with her and I have reassured her that I will always put her first. I have always been very mindful of her feelings throughout my divorce from her Dad, and despite his appalling behaviour I never said a word against him to the DC. I spend quality time with her, and we have a close relationship. Any advice on how I should navigate this? I am not planning on moving my bf in, just having him round for a cup of tea, but she is having none of it.

If she’s not ready to meet him I’d put that on the back burner for a while. Don’t mention it and don’t push her. And definitely don’t compare her to DS!

I have a 14yo niece in the same position as your DD and I think she finds the idea of her mum having a boyfriend particularly difficult because she’s just starting her own romantic relationship and thinking about sex etc. In those years (13-16ish) most people try to pretend their parents don’t have sex (cos ewww) and that’s really hard to do if your parent has a new boyfriend / girlfriend.

I’d just give her a bit more time and space tbh. But then I hated being a teenager myself, so probably over empathise with how difficult all those new, complicated, grown-up thoughts can be!

Go at your DD’s pace. Don’t think that by talking about your new man that will win her round, it won’t. It will make her dislike that thought of you with another man even more.

Also, it will demonstrate to your DD that you aren’t taking her feelings seriously.

15 is so young, she has enough to contend with without having to think about your new man.

Let her come to you when and if she is ready. Until then, accept that your life with them both will not be, for the foreseeable, together.

Maybe loyalty to her df? Fear of getting attached and the relationship not working out?
Or just a typical at times bloody awful teen!
If which I currently have 3. It won't last ime. She will grow up.
Don't keep your relationship a secret but tell her he will be round for a cuppa and she can either be out or sulk in her room. But it is all your home and you won't be banning her friends will you?

I think 'putting her first' means letting her go at her own pace with this one OP, there's no reason you can't keep your relationship separate from home/DD for a while longer to let DD come to terms with the idea that you have a BF in her own time. There's a limit obviously but DD is at an age where she will be starting to find her independence soon anyway and you may well find things just evolve naturally if you give it a few months.

She doesn't want to meet him - thats fair enough - no reason why she should have to, is there?

She doesn't have to have anything to do with him, but you don't have to ban him from your house.

Tell her that you understand she doesn't feel ready to meet him so you will always let her know if he is coming around so she can choose to stay in her room or go out is she prefers. Make sure you also spend time doing nice things with her too.

Just be reasonable and understanding without putting your life entirely on hold. I definitely wouldn't move him in though until she is comfortable with him or she has moved out.

This is a tough situation.

My daughter is 16. Her dad and I separated 10 years ago and I made the decision not to introduce anyone into their lives. So I dated a bit but nothing serious (just company amd sex really). Around 18 months ago, she asked why I'd never had another relationship and I explained. She told me she felt she'd missed out by not having a step dad! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apparently, I'm the only one of her friends who still had a 'single' parent and all her friends have great relationships with their step dads. Talk about not being able to do right for doing wrong! 😁

I went on to get together someone I've known for a few years and I've now been in a relationship with him for 14 months. She adores him and keeps asking when he's moving in (not yet!)

Anyway, I agree with the others really. Don't put your life on hold but be respectful of her feelings.

When I started seeing this man, I sat down with her and talked to her about it. I said that she would always be my priority and he would never be a replacement for her dad.

My own parents split up when I was younger and both my parents went on to have relationships. My dad always created a sense of "Dad and Grey + his partner" whereas my mum's position was "Mum and partner + Grey" does that make sense? We always felt that our dad was our dad more than he was his partner's partner but mum's approach created a sense of us being pushed out.

So do invite him round but sit on the sofa with her and have him on another chair rather than sitting on the sofa with him and having her separate.

You are her mum but you are also entitled to a life and a relationship outside of the one you have with her. Hopefully, she'll settle into the idea of it if it doesn't feel like a threat.

I know that was a bit convoluted and not entirely relevant but I hope you get what I'm trying to say!

Thank you for all the replies, they are really useful. I do think that loyalty to her DF is playing a part, although she has never commented that she would like us to be back together.
I feel I have had my life on hold since the separation and now, 3 years on I should be able to progress my relationship while being sensitive to DD. As PP said, she has her friends round whenever she likes, and I facilitate this by driving them around, providing food etc. On the other hand, she is a still a child and I clearly need to tread so carefully.
I am having a get together with friends after Christmas and had thought about including BF. DD will be in her room with her own friends anyway and wouldn’t need to interact with him, but she just doesn’t like the idea of him being in the house. I don’t want to force her to meet him if she doesn’t want to, but don’t want to exclude him from occasions like this on her say-so as he gets on well with everyone else! It’s so difficult.

You will get a mixture of replies to this, some will say that your daughter needs to come before your new man. Others will have a more balanced view.

You know your daughter best. Ultimately we can advise but obviously it’s your decision.
Your daughter is telling you how she feels. Please listen to her. It doesn’t really matter what her reasons are, she doesn’t want to meet your new man. She doesn’t want to be in the same house as him.

Give her time, respect her wishes. If this new relationship is going anywhere then waiting a few more months or however long it is until she is ready to meet him is surely worth her well-being? Your daughter won’t be 15 forever, she will mature and start to have a better understanding of relationships.

Tbh, I think your idea of inviting him round after Christmas when other people will be there and she has her own friends round is a good one.

That's completely 'normal'.

Her resistance to him is her trying tainting some control over her own life and maintaining the status quo.

I suspect a fear of change is underpinning this more than anything.

Talk with her about it beforehand but present it as a done deal (ie he is coming too rather than is it OK if he comes too?)

But you obviously won't be having him stay overnight amd he won't really look Amy different to any of the other guests for that evening.

She might even wonder herself what the matter is by the end of it.

You can’t possibly equate DD having her friends round to you attempting to foist a new bloke on her, surely?

Doesn’t matter if DS has met him or not. She is clearly telling you she doesn’t want to. There is no need for her to yet, unless you’re planning to move him in within the next few months?

it's been 8 months, I wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of them meeting till at least another 4 months.

Also she's 15, if she doesn't want to meet then don't force her, it won't be for her benefit only yours and his.

I think it is important to be sensitive to your daughter while making it VERY clear thT she does not get to dictate yourife and who your friends are.

I would leave it to the 12 month mark.

If she doesn't wish to meet him, that is fine, but she doesn't get to dictate whether you have a friend visit.

I would avoid sleep overs at yours and I don't think you should make any plans to move in together indefinitely at the moment.

Use respectful language to her that just as she gets to choose her friends, so do you.

Maybe as she matures she may become more flexible, but it seems very clear she really doesn't want any boyfriend moving in any time soon.

There is no reason why you cant entertain when they are with their father.

You're brave putting this on Mumsnet. You'll be told to dump him immediately, stay celibate until your daughter is 40 and be stoned even thinking otherwise.
You need to be sensitive to your daughters wishes of course, but equally she is not young child anymore. She needs to respect your right to a life and a relationship. It's not like you split with her father 3 weeks ago, and whilst she does not have to build a relationship with him, she equally does not get to dictate things like this to you.

And yet, not one single person has said this... 🙄

I was like your DD. My DM didn’t force it, took her relationship very slowly, he didn’t stay over for a long time.
My stepfather (they married after 16 years together) has been one of the most important people in my life for 30 years now. He is the first person I turn to in times of trouble. He’ll be arriving any minute now for Christmas and is the best grandad to my children you could ever hope for.
He knew not to force me into liking him when I was 15. I respect my mum so much for the way that she was able to prioritise me, her child, while respecting herself enough to make her relationship work too.

That's lovely. I hope my daughter regards my boyfriend similarly in years to come ❤️

She's 15 and no matter how mature she is, you're her mum and she's not ready for a new man to enter her world. That's OK. Keep seeing him, but you need to respect her wishes. She'll eventually come round. If he's a keeper, he'll understand.

My mum left my dad because of an affair and alcohol too. Although I wasn't upset by this and I was younger than your DD, I became protective of my mum and wasn't keen on anyone she seemed to be close to after that.

Thank you again for all the great advice. I will heed it, and not rush to introduce DD and BF, and hope that she'll come round in her own time, in the not too distant future. It's good to get perspectives from adults and children who have been in in this situation.

I love this, thank you. Your Mum and Stepfather sound lovely. I will certainly keep your story in mind and think of the big picture.

Thanks GreyCarpet, I agree with all this too. If she is still really resistant to him coming round though, I won't invite him. I want her to see that when I say she comes first, then I mean it. I have no plans to move him in, or to have him stay over when the DC are here, but just the idea of his presence in her home is too much for her at the moment.

I agree about listening to your dd but not letting her dictate.

Which is an extremely fine balance!

A group get together I wouldn't exclude him. She doesn't get to pick and choose which if your other friends come round on these occasions.

I'd be honest. I'm inviting 5 people around for dinner and drinks. BG will be there as part of that group. I don't expect you to sit and make conversation with any of them but I expect you to treat all the visitors equally of you choose to come downstairs.

But also agree you won't invite him around to sit cuddled up with you on the sofa alone for now because she isn't comfortable with that. You can meet him at his or when your DCs are at their dads.

If you talk about him as you would any of your friends who are visiting he'll become more of "someone in your life" rather than "something" iyswim?

I completely agree with all of this and it's exactly how I would have approached it with my daughter had she been equally resistant.

Hi @GreyCarpet

My every sympathy & whilst I agree you should take your daughters feelings into account a little. She absolutely cannot be allowed to rule the roost, which is what she is currently doing.

Absolutely 💯 invite him at Christmas drinks do with your other friends. She should treat him as politely as any of your other friends. She's not a baby.
If she won't be polite and friendly, I'm afraid I would be having a talk with her. As in you talk she listens.

To explain that it's all of your home & as she is allowed her friends and potential boyfriend/girlfriend in the home then so are you. And the same way she would like you to be lovely & welcoming to then, you would like the same respect.

If she doesn't concur then I'm
Afraid I would be
A) doing it anyway
B) disallowing her to have friends over.

She will (presumably) be off to college/uni in a couple of years.

You sound a lovely mum and I just wouldn't be dictated to by a teen.

I would as others have suggested be empathetic when he comes over, ie at first sitting on sofa with her, no pda and no sleepovers initially & for a good while.

But at the moment her attitude stinks & it needs addressing or she won't be served well in future. Teens who are allowed to be dictators don't do well in life. It's an exceedingly unattractive trait.