New Relationship - DD Issues

[MrsLynch]

Name changed to keep this separate from my usual posts.

Background is I separated from DH 3 years ago due to his cheating and problems with alcohol. We are now divorced and moved on, he is currently single after splitting from his AP, and after much animosity we have finally reached a point where we are amicable and co-parent relatively well.
I met someone else around 8 months ago and things are going really well. The problem is that my DD15 point blank refuses to meet him, or discuss him with me and gets noticeably angry whenever his name is mentioned. This is not personal to him, she just does not like the fact that I have a boyfriend. In contrast, my DS11 has met him, really liked him and doesn’t understand DD’s problem.
DD is an intelligent, emotionally mature girl and her point blank refusal to even have a conversation about my relationship has thrown me. I get that she is upset about the change in status quo and is possibly feeling insecure. I feel that she would like me to be single forever.
I am doing my best to address this sensitively with her and I have reassured her that I will always put her first. I have always been very mindful of her feelings throughout my divorce from her Dad, and despite his appalling behaviour I never said a word against him to the DC. I spend quality time with her, and we have a close relationship. Any advice on how I should navigate this? I am not planning on moving my bf in, just having him round for a cup of tea, but she is having none of it.

Thank you - yes! This is exactly what I am trying to do, it's a struggle though!

He comes here when the DC are with their Dad, and always makes sure he's gone before they come home. The time he met my DS was a similar occasion when he came round with other friends, so it didn't feel as intense to DS. He came and said hello, had a brief chat about football and that's it. He could have been any one of my friends really, there were no displays of affection to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I have told DD that she will not be expected to converse with him, and can hang out in her room with her friends while the adults are downstairs as usual. But even this is a firm no from DD. No reasons given. Do I let her call the shots here and exclude him, or do I invite him anyway? It's so difficult!

Apologies @GreyCarpet I misread & thought you were OP

@MrsLynch my post was my thoughts to you. (Have successfully navigated similiar & out the orher end ) x

Thank you @beachcitygirl
She can be a strong willed madam at times, like a lot of girls her age and I'm wary that I can pander to her a little bit, to avoid conflict. While she doesn't get to dictate how I live my life I worry there is something underlying going on that I am missing.

But even this is a firm no from DD. No reasons given. Do I let her call the shots here and exclude him, or do I invite him anyway? It's so difficult!

Is she able to say what she’s uncomfortable with?

I’d not think of it as letting her call the shots so much as you being sensitive to maintain her home as a safe space for her. While including him in a gathering might feel like you’re just inviting him to your party like anyone else, you (and she) knows the relationship is different.

I’d look at her meeting him away from her home if at all possible. When she’s ready maybe going for a coffee or something so the first time they meet he’s not in her home. For now I’d take it off the agenda completely, taking time now will
pay dividends in the future. I’m

Had she met the AP?

How did that go?

No she walks away and refuses to discuss it, when I try I just get silence which is unusual as she is normally a good talker.

She would absolutely not agree to meet him for a coffee unfortunately. I thought in her own space surrounded by her friends and family would be the best environment for her.

No, she didn't. That was never on the cards for some reason, but from what I hear her and ExDH were drunk most of the time together, so maybe meeting each other's children was not on their agenda.

It’s all about balance: respecting your child’s needs but also modelling to them that you are a human, too, and have a right to form relationships and see people in your own home.
My ex’s DD (a teenager back then) refused to meet me for over 5 years, he was too scared to do anything she didn’t agree with and as a result my relationship with him ended as it all became very dysfunctional. He recently contacted me saying that his daughter changed her mind, wants him to be happy and told him that he should have stood his ground in the past. Sadly, it’s all too late, I have moved on.

I thought in her own space surrounded by her friends and family would be the best environment for her.

I can totally see why you’d think that. My DD is younger, and I’m absolutely not ready to date, but I know she’d feel under pressure to behave in a particular way if her family were present and if her friends were there she’d worry about having to explain who he was and deal with the inevitable giggly gossip that is so common with girls. She’d be embarrassed by the implied sexual relationship and feel disloyal to her dad. Those are quite big, complex feelings to negotiate at a time when life is pressured anyway with school, exams etc.

Having him there with family and friends in some ways solidifies his presence in your (and her) life, because other people know about him and have socialised with him. So while she might not need to engage with him she can’t deny he’s there, may see other people getting on well with him and feel she needs to do the same.

While it’s been 3 years since your marriage breakdown, it’s only been 8 months with him.

I know both my kids are worried that I might start dating and bring a new man into their lives and will need a lot of support if/when that happens, and no pressure to meet or have a relationship with him, so I’m looking down the road and thinking about how they might feel and what they might need. So I may be projecting a bit but taking it at her pace means doing that. It’s only been 8 months, I’d be accepting of her needs just now and giving it a bit longer. What’s the rush really if it means she feels more secure.

Hi Op. My parents split up when I was 12 - they went to extremes - my dad brought constant new women into our lives with no [proper introductions - just women hanging around him - which was shit for many reasons including that I felt lied to and patronised.

My mum focused on us and didn't date or - didn't tell us when she was - to be honest I really really disagree that a 15 year old should dictate your relationship

It's so often the mother than bears the brunt of teenage disapproval - the parent who has stayed! who cares, who is there all the time - your daughter needs to see you put yourself first in some ways - don't be a slave to her emotions and teen awkwardness.

You have every right to have a relationship - she is at an age where she will be spreading her wings within a year or two, going out and not telling you where ! (just thinking of myself at 16/17)

Women constantly lose years of their lives to being the steady present parent - I think you hve to be very calm with her and say you are going to allow her personal space and not infringe on it too much with a man she doesn't know - but she does not get to dictate your adult decisions about yourromantic life.

I don't think children of any age -including teenagers - should feel they can control their parents lives - what message does it send them?

Obviously there is another extreme of uncaring parents (usually men but women too) who move far too fast - but as that clearly isn't what is happening here I don't think you should have this level of guilt.

I think you should be mindful of your daughter's feelings. I would invite him as part of a group gathering, but I would wait longer before having him over for any solo visits. I think that there is very little to be gained from introducing kids to potential partners any earlier than necessary.
It may be that after seeing her father split from his partner who was one of the precipitating causes of your divorce, she no longer wants to be aware or involved in what may be the transitory love life of her parents. You daughter is probably approaching the point where she is beginning to think about dating ; she probably did not expect to have to focus on her parents' love life at a time that she is just beginning to think about her own dating and love life.

Your relationship is not even a year old, at this stage there is no need for either of your children to be introduced to someone that you are seeing.

You do not need to give up or stall this relationship, but you can keep it separate from your home life a bit longer.

@MrsLynch I could have written your post word for word as I’m going through the exact same thing with my DD at the moment. She’s 17 and I have been with my BF for 16 months. I also have the additional issue of her 15 year old brother feeling the same.

It’s definitely loyalty to their dad compounded no doubt by disgust at the thoughts of their mother having a boyfriend 😐

She is so trenchant in her views that she will never meet him ever - we have had many a heated discussion where she has said the most awful things about him and our relationship😞

But I know at the back of it all there is a girl hurting over her parents break up and navigating that along with teenage angst and hormones.

I don’t know what advice to give about your upcoming party - it would be so easy to proceed regardless with having him attend but I know I would feel so guilty doing that and forcing things and I have backed down to my DD similarly.
I am waiting for a therapist to call me back to discuss all of this 😂

Maybe you need to tone it down a bit with the bf.

It can be pretty annoying to be around someone in a new relationship who goes on about him, always on the phone/texting, always out with him. Especially annoying if it's one of your parents.

No, I wouldn't invite him to the party either.

It's so difficult isn't it! And you have the resistance from both DC. I'd be interested to know what your therapist's take on this is. You've been with your BF a while now so I'd imagine things would be getting easier.

I'm not sure what you mean? I don't do any of these things 😂There is really nothing to tone down?

What is her response to her father having relationships?

And I certainly don’t do this either - I’m 49 fgs 😂
my relationship is long distance also so I only see him EOW mainly, when kids are with their dad - no going out with him otherwise.

And for those asking why does DD need to meet BF - if you are like me @MrsLynch you may see a future in this relationship and want those important people in your life to know and like or at least tolerate each other. I am not seeking a new Daddy for my kids, I’m looking for a companion for me who would be a bonus relationship in their lives not a source of conflict.