Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

New baby - MIL one

46 replies

Dildilemma · 21/12/2022 10:25

NC for this.

I'm due a baby in the next couple of weeks. My MIL lives almost 5 hours away. My parents are coming to help me around the time that baby is born- they live a few gours away and have always been helpful and supportive of DH and I.

My dilemma is re MIL visiting. I know she has to come and visit her grandchild. I'm just really dreading it and need some advice on how to manage it.

She made horrible comments to me about IVF when we were going through the process to get pregnant and when DH told her I was expecting she ignored the news. I saw her a week later and she didn't acknowledge my pregnancy despite DH asking her 3 times to say something
to me.

I was annoyed about this, though also relieved in a way because I felt like we had no responsibility towards her as regards the baby seeing as she wasn't acknowledging its existence. Anyway, DH got mad at her and I got a bizarre phone call a few months later "Hi, your DH told me to ring you to say congratulations so I'm just ringing to do that."

For context she's been a terrible mother to DH for his whole life. She threatened not to come to our wedding and we didn't know if she'd show up until the day of because she fell out with another family member and decided to use our wedding as a weapon. She is absolutely no help with her other grandchildren, one of whom had severe special needs. She made more work for that child's parents by demanding lifts and errands and jobs, and refusing to acknowledge that they didn't have time for that stuff any more as their child needed 24 hour care.

She had arranged a day trip to our city around my due date which I was happy to accommodate if baby is here by then because she'd be gone within a few hours. This has now been cancelled. Now there's talk of her coming to stay for several days 2 weeks after baby is born (we have a fair idea when baby will arrive, unless it's early). The thoughts of her staying in our small house expecting to be waited on, making rude comments about me and how I do things is more than I can bear.

DH says she has a right to see the baby as its grandmother so there's no way around it. I understand he wants his family to meet and bond with our child (not that his mother is capable of that but I assume DH had convinced himself it'll be fine) but his mother is just so awful!

Any advice re what I can do to accommodate a visit but also keep my sanity?

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 10:26

Can she book a hotel nearby?

Original poster

Dildilemma · 21/12/2022 10:29

I'm not sure how I can justify asking her to stay in a hotel when we have a spare room and she knows my parents will have been staying with us.

OP posts:

WhineWhineWINE · 21/12/2022 10:29

Absolutely put her in a hotel or she doesn't come. Refuse to budge on this. You will have just had a baby and are not obliged to have her stay in your home. If she doesn't like it, tough.

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2022 10:30

Obviously your DH wants his mother to know the baby - people love and crave the love of even the very worst, most neglectful parents so it's very natural. However, you need to be very clear about his role in managing the visit. You will just have had a baby and he cannot just leave you to cope with her.

Tygertiger · 21/12/2022 10:30

DH needs to learn what the postnatal period is like for the new mother.

Heavy bleeding, requiring massive fanny pads. Likely to have stitches and find sitting uncomfortable or to be dealing with a c-section wound. Constipation and piles. Hormones all over the place, constantly swinging between crying and elation. If you’ll be breastfeeding, trying to establish that essentially involves a lot of sitting around topless or nearly so in the early days with a baby almost permanently attached to encourage your milk to come in, then when it does you’ve got leaky boobs which are really sore.

It’s a very visceral experience and you feel really vulnerable. You do not want anyone in your house you are not comfortable with seeing you in your PJs and clearly wearing a nappy, basically. Absolutely do not have her to stay. She needs to book a hotel if she’s not doing it in a day and there need to be clear boundaries. Definitely your DH needs to step up here and protect his new family.

WhineWhineWINE · 21/12/2022 10:31

It doesn't sound like she has any issue with upsetting other people, so why should you feel guilty about upsetting her?

Shatterproof9 · 21/12/2022 10:31

I think the fact you’re expected to entertain and attend on HER when you’ve just had a baby is enough reason not to have her stay. I assume your own parents are not like that and are far more supportive and helpful.

also, does your partner work? Will he be around when she visits

Martialisthebestpup · 21/12/2022 10:33

Definitely hotel and she visits during the day -DH will be responsible for booking the hotel, taking her there and back from your house, making sure she has food etc.
You will be recovering and looking after your newborn.

Bedazzled22 · 21/12/2022 10:36

I’d tell DH to postpone her visit- you’ll have more than enough to cope with with your new baby and recovering from the birth. Dont budge - put you and baby first!

Wfhandbored · 21/12/2022 10:41

This is basically the same story as mine, bar the IVF. My MIL abused my DH as a child, battered him when she was drunk, let his stepdad do the same. DH hasn't processed that he was an abuse victim yet so still has a relationship and feels duty to his mum. As far as I'm concerned she could drop dead tomorrow and I wouldn't care. Obvs I've never said that to him. But we also have 5 hours between us. She probably won't come often,if at all. Mine has never made the journey and berates us for not coming often enough (1 year old in the car for 5 hours is a no for me). The relationship may fade. I really hope so.

LimeCheesecake · 21/12/2022 10:41

Yep, if she wanted to be treated like your parents, she should have acted like a nice person.

also you need to prepare yourself - becoming a parent often makes adults who grew up in emotionally abusive families realise how bad it was. There’s a chance your DH will suddenly have a lot of emotional issues to deal with once your dc is born and his mother staying in your house might not be the best for him.

Essexexile · 21/12/2022 10:58

Definitely a hotel for the MIL, no way would she be staying at our house if she were my MIL. Your DH needs to put you first and you need to insist on this. Daytime visits should be the only thing to happen here.

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 11:11

OP, you can justify the hotel stay because she acts differently to your parents.

Dalooah · 21/12/2022 11:43

Could your parents stay till MIL leaves- t by us would serve a twofold purpose- your spare room would no longer be spare and they could help you manage mil?

SalviaOfficinalis · 21/12/2022 11:49

Tips for managing - don’t feel rude about taking the baby (or leaving baby with DH) and going to your bedroom however often you need to. Make it clear that MIL is not to come in there.

DH needs to manage the visit completely and take on all practical aspects - meals etc.

It can be an emotional and vulnerable time and you need to allow yourself breathing space.

Original poster

Dildilemma · 21/12/2022 12:07

Thanks so much for the advice. There's plenty of food for thought for me to consider.

@Tygertiger DH doesn't seem to have a clue what it'll be like postnatally. I'll try to explain that again, but surely when baby arrives it'll be pretty clear to him that having someone difficult in the house is not appropriate when I'm trying to recover and breastfeed.

@Shatterproof9 yes he works but he's taking a month off when baby arrives so he'll be at home. In fairness he will do most of the minding of his mother, he doesn't expect me to do that.

@Wfhandbored I'm sorry to hear that. I almost never visit my MIL since the wedding stunt. Last time I did I stayed with SIL and MIL did not react well! But she wouldn't make any accommodations for me so I had no choice really.

@LimeCheesecake someone else mentioned this to me and it's a good point. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

Welshmonster · 21/12/2022 23:08

Maybe talk to MIL before she comes and make it clear through conversation that you are looking forward to her visits and what ingredients should you get in for the meals she will cook for you and DH. Say how great it will be to have someone run the hoover over and clean the bathroom. She may just decide to stay away and you have done nothing wrong

ign0re · 21/12/2022 23:25

Sounds like you’re having a c section? Say that your parents are coming to look after YOU and not the baby as you’ll have just been through a dramatic medical procedure and have a hell of a lot going on. Any that wants to come and wait on you hand and foot whilst you recover and bond with baby is welcome to stay, otherwise, short day visits only in the early days. That first month you don’t need him looking after his mother you need him looking after you and baby.

good luck and don’t feel bad. She can have a relationship without staying over!

Salome61 · 21/12/2022 23:29

I hope you can speak up each time she is rude/unhelpful, it's just not acceptable especially when you've just had a baby.

I remember my late MIL coming to help when my son was born, she hated me because I was a southerner, and I hated her because she was so critical and unhelpful. She didn't help at all and I still had to do everything, she was 61 and disappeared off for 'naps'. I'm 66 now and still don't have naps.

Years later, she lied that her childless son and wife had already invited her for Christmas, which really hurt my husband - but it was then that we realised that she wanted to be the centre of attention and waited on.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/12/2022 23:33

There is no way in hell she would be staying in my house after all this.
Your husband is in the wrong here and I think you just need to get strong and say she is not to stay in your house.
And I'd be making it plainly clear that she does not have a "right" to see your child.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 22/12/2022 00:16

Your dear husband isn't being a team player with you he's on the team against you.

Those first few weeks and months are crucial for making sure your mental health stays tip top, that you're getting rest, that you're not stressed, that you're not bringing pathogens near baby that needn't be there.

On top of that, it's your fucking vagina that's going to be bleeding everywhere, clots and all, for weeks, leaking breasts, tears every where, feeling unable to break away from your baby to shower, and even when you can you don't want to. It's up to you who you feel comfortable having around you in this time when you're vulnerable.

Tell him when his vagina starts hemmorhaging blood, his tits are oozing, his let down is painful, he's sneezed and wet himself for the third time, his c section itches but he can't scratch it, and when his hairs so greasy you could fry a fish on it THEN he can dictate that his mum comes so soon after birth.

Until then, she can bloody well wait cos she's not coming to do you any favours. The baby will still be a baby in a few weeks or so.

Fraaahnces · 22/12/2022 00:22

Can you convince your mum to stay for that period too?

MadameMackenzie · 22/12/2022 00:24

Based on your DH's comment on your MIL's 'rights' I'd say you have a DH problem

thewrongcolourcup · 22/12/2022 05:57

I had no boundaries when my fist was born, it was hell. His awful family traipsing to be first to see the baby. Didn’t lift a finger to help. Tongue tied baby,interfering relatives and poor postnatal recovery for me and baby. All I wanted was for peace and to feed my baby.
ended up cooking a meal for all of them as I was hungry and they showed no signs of leaving.
with second baby I knew they were CF so made sure I had no visitors until I was ready.
you MIL sounds a complete bitch, why would you want her anywhere near you after having a baby. You DH needs to step up and protect you and baby from her.
I promise, unless you put in some boundaries NOW that you follow thru with and DH is on board it will be a train wreck.
enjoy your baby for the first few weeks.

Jellyjam36 · 22/12/2022 06:10

Similar situation to you, she needs to stay in a hotel or air bnb. You do not need any unwanted guests staying in your house when you've just had a baby, especially one that will be rude, make you feel uncomfortable and spoil this special time.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread