New baby - MIL one

[Dildilemma]

NC for this.

I'm due a baby in the next couple of weeks. My MIL lives almost 5 hours away. My parents are coming to help me around the time that baby is born- they live a few gours away and have always been helpful and supportive of DH and I.

My dilemma is re MIL visiting. I know she has to come and visit her grandchild. I'm just really dreading it and need some advice on how to manage it.

She made horrible comments to me about IVF when we were going through the process to get pregnant and when DH told her I was expecting she ignored the news. I saw her a week later and she didn't acknowledge my pregnancy despite DH asking her 3 times to say something
to me.

I was annoyed about this, though also relieved in a way because I felt like we had no responsibility towards her as regards the baby seeing as she wasn't acknowledging its existence. Anyway, DH got mad at her and I got a bizarre phone call a few months later "Hi, your DH told me to ring you to say congratulations so I'm just ringing to do that."

For context she's been a terrible mother to DH for his whole life. She threatened not to come to our wedding and we didn't know if she'd show up until the day of because she fell out with another family member and decided to use our wedding as a weapon. She is absolutely no help with her other grandchildren, one of whom had severe special needs. She made more work for that child's parents by demanding lifts and errands and jobs, and refusing to acknowledge that they didn't have time for that stuff any more as their child needed 24 hour care.

She had arranged a day trip to our city around my due date which I was happy to accommodate if baby is here by then because she'd be gone within a few hours. This has now been cancelled. Now there's talk of her coming to stay for several days 2 weeks after baby is born (we have a fair idea when baby will arrive, unless it's early). The thoughts of her staying in our small house expecting to be waited on, making rude comments about me and how I do things is more than I can bear.

DH says she has a right to see the baby as its grandmother so there's no way around it. I understand he wants his family to meet and bond with our child (not that his mother is capable of that but I assume DH had convinced himself it'll be fine) but his mother is just so awful!

Any advice re what I can do to accommodate a visit but also keep my sanity?

Even my inlaws who are lovely and live six hours away stayed in a hotel after my babies were born (despite having a spare room). It is what nice people do.

I didn’t have my fil over until I was ready. He doesn’t lift a finger. Dd was at least 2 months and he stayed 4/5 nights including over the weekend. Your dh needs you to recover. You’ll have had major surgery and won’t want someone to intrude like this. I would say 3 months to properly recover. By then the weather may be warmer and she can come over the weekend for a few nights like my fil. If your dh takes a couple of days off, this will be doable. Yes, your mil is entitled to meet your child - if your dh wants. But it has to be on terms, which are agreeable to you. Safeguarding you is the highest priority.

Do not have her round. You must be selfish and put your foot down.

I found just having my stepchildren over really hard and I get on really well with them.

You will be vulnerable- potentially find it very difficult to move, your hormones will be going all over the place. I was weeping and getting angry and all sorts of unexpected stuff. I snapped at one of my DSC for taking a photo of me and I still feel bad about how I handled it but i was so tired.

Unless someone is coming to help, you won’t want anyone. You sleep when you can, you’ll likely be exhausted, baby may have colic/reflux (hopefully not) but if they do you’ll want to get out with the pram. Shower when you want, rest etc. Even someone you love hanging around is bad enough!

If your DH wants his DM there, he needs to take the time off work and be there with her.
You are not a waitress, this needs to be made crystal clear. If she comes, she better be prepared to do washing, vacuuming, chores, getting food. 😬

She doesn't have any 'rights' to see the baby!

I'd say she's welcome to come and stay if she's willing to be helpful and support but as soon as she makes you feel uncomfortable he'll need to tell her to leave.

Hi 👋
personally for me I wouldn’t let her come. What gives her the right if she’s unpleasant to you? Being a new mum is challenging enough. Whether you have a c section or vaginal birth you will have discomfort, bleeding etc. You may want to breastfeed and it takes time to get it right. You don’t need the stress of in-laws. Put your foot down. Don’t give yourself extra stress and worry.
And if you do feel obliged to let her visit, set ground rules. I would say “because I’m unsure how birth will affect me I’m not comfortable letting you stay in our house at this time. You may visit but you must stay in a hotel and must text to check it’s ok to pop over before you come.” If she asks why your parents are allowed to stay just explain you are comfortable with them seeing you post birth as they are your parents.
stay strong! Don’t let anyone tell you how to parent.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy 😊
Secondly, there is zero benefit to having her stay, either short term or longer term.
You need to be set up with a relaxing environment as possible in a time where you are likely to feel vulnerable.
If you’re considering doing this to help your DH, it sounds like having her there will only lead to you resenting her more in the future which is going to be more problematic. Offending her in the short term is by far the better option.
Your house your body your baby. Good luck

Now is a good time to practice advocating for your baby before they're born.
Your mil knows how hard postpartum period can be because she has had children but she doesn't know how you want to experience postpartum.
Put your boundaries up now and make sure your dh understands he's either supporting his new family or he's against it. There's no grey area.
MIL will need to wait until what ever date is best to be a visitor, you're after volunteers to help around the home only.

I find our MIL difficult (last time she visited she went through our cupboards at 3am and found calpol, she told my husband how upset she was as she’d raised him better than to give children calpol and then told me she’d help me lose the baby weight etc…) so when we had our second we told her she could visit but she had to stay in a hotel. It worked a lot better!

Wtaf

There is no obligation to treat an abusive person in the same way you do people who are helpful and supportive.

She has no right to be a grandparent, I'm a grandparent and it's an honour with its scope defined by the child's loving parents.

You need to be blunt with your husband because he's used to having to manage her bad behaviour.

Focus on protecting your baby from being hurt the same way you husband has been, good luck.

This x 10000000000000000000000

Seriously, keep her out of your house. You don’t need that shit when you’ve just given birth. At all.

For the first 2 to 3 months I was leaking breast milk everywhere and literally sat down or with the baby 24/7 unless getting something to eat or making bottles up.
I would ask her to book a hotel as a compromise as some others have helpfully suggested.
If you let her stay in your home I can guarantee she will try to be 'helpful' by offering biased shitty advice (criticism) and ripping the baby out of your arms when you least expect it e.g are trying to feed the baby, to display how much of a great grandmother she is.
You will be bleeding for weeks, extremely tired from lack of sleep and last thing you need is to host your mil given her history.
Dh should be supporting you.

Seriously do NOT let her stay in your home when you've just had a baby

You might feel you can anticipate what it will be like for you postnatally but you really will have no idea until it's happening and everyone is different( I know I had no idea how I'd be). You'll be in the throws of recovering physically and also emotionally you'll quite likely be all over the place too. If you plan on breastfeeding this will be a key time for establishing that so you'll just basically need to have baby on the breast for a large proportion of the time. You'll be exhausted and adjusting to a brand new life! You do not need to be accommodating your unhelpful mother in law during this time. If your DH can't understand that then I'd be booking him in the hotel with her !!! Honestly please put your foot down, don't let anything jeapordise this vital time for you and baby postnatally. especially after everything you've been through to have this baby in the first place! DH needs to support you and book his mother into a hotel if she insists on coming and set boundaries on length of time for visiting. I'm still traumatised by my whole DHs family coming round a couple of days after my birth and passing my baby round (and they were only there for a couple of hours) I felt awful as I just needed to hold baby myself. Please don't do it !

DH says she has a right to see the baby as its grandmother so there's no way around it. I understand he wants his family to meet and bond with our child (not that his mother is capable of that but I assume DH had convinced himself it'll be fine) but his mother is just so awful!

He needs help tbh.

She doesn't have a right & forcing your child to have a relationship with her even though he doesn't is bloody horrible.

She won't beconme the mother he wants her to be just because he becomes a father.

Give her one chance of redemption. Let her stay one night only. Make it clear your dh is to be present and she’s not to be waited on. If, when, she Fuchs up, she can bugger off.

No-one has a 'right' to meet any baby. (Except maybe the father). Not grandma not anyone. When someone chooses to continually hurt and disrespect you and the family, you can chose to not facilitate a relationship with your kids. You have to protect them too. If a women had treat her kids like shit, then she's capable of treating her grandkids like that too.

I'd give her one chance in a hotel. If she questions this, your husband clearly explains why.

I would suggest that you get your husband to read the book - Postnatal Matters by Sophie Messager.

I would also suggest that he speaks to someone about his childhood / relationship with his mother with a view to exploring how to navigate the relationship, creating a strong family bond between you, him and your new baby, expecting his mother to create a bond with this baby because she has a 'right' to, while all evidence points towards her inability to create these bonds.

It is not unusual to see parents and children try to create 'normal' relationships when the next generation arrives, however she has already been through this with DH's siblings and he knows what that looks like. His own childhood will be reflected to him and this may make his question his upbringing.

You can also help by exploring how you and DH want to have those first few weeks at home and managing how your family feed into that. Even though your family are supportive and will come to help, that might not be the best thing for your DH. It may make him feel pushed out, incapable of creating this family bond and excluded from having his family around.

Take this time to work out how you want this post partum stage to be, putting you, your baby and your DH front and centre and then asking others to provide support but not necessarily to move in and do everything.

I wouldn't have her staying at all. We have a spare room and my parents stayed with us when DD was born but my DH's mum and stepdad didn't and don't stay with us. You can definitely say you don't want her to stay.
You will have just given birth and have a very demanding child needing you, you don't need the hassle of entertaining and looking after MIL aswell.
She'll probably kick off but that isn't your problem. Would your DH support you in asking her to stay elsewhere?

Absolutely this.

Tell him he doesn't get to tell YOU that anyone has a right to the child YOU are carrying.

Put him straight.

She wouldn't be staying with me and she would only see the baby IF and WHEN it suited ME.

Is your husband a bully?

He doesn't sound great.

Have you family and friends nearby for support?

Keep them close to you.