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Original poster

He keeps changing his mind about a future with me

40 replies

Hopefultears · 21/12/2022 08:14

I’ve (F28) been with my boyfriend (M33) for 2 years. He has a 5 year old daughter
To start with he was very sure and confident about our future, having kids / getting married etc.
We went through a spell about 6 months ago where we were rocky, both highly stressed, so he ended up saying he didn’t want to move in together anymore.

I kind of agreed at the time but since then I’ve been very anxious about our future, whether he wants kids, or marriage. or to even move in since all convos of that nature have stopped
He lives at home currently due to being screwed over financially by his ex & due to the current rates. Which puts a massive strain for me to be honest, I hate it.
I own my own home 30 mins out the area, which is currently up for sale.

I don’t know how much longer to hang on to wait and see what he wants.
every time I try and bring it up it’s a big argument at the moment and he keeps making comments such as “I’m struggling with you” etc.
it’s a real blow.
don’t get me wrong 99% of the time it’s great, I’m obviously highlighting the worst for this post but it’s these niggly thoughts that keep me from fully trusting and letting go.

how long do I wait on?

OP posts:
Crazykefir · 21/12/2022 08:21

Sorry op. Sounds like he is happy with things as they are. He talked the talk at the begining of the relationship now hes backing off. I wonder what the exs point of view is?

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/12/2022 08:24

Doesn't sound promising. I'd move in while there's still plenty of time to meet someone who genuinely wants to have a home and family with you.

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/12/2022 08:24

Move on! I mean.

Fuuuuuckit · 21/12/2022 08:26

how long do I wait on?

You don't op. Sorry. He's repeatedly telling you that he doesn't want to commit to a future with you.

Martialisthebestpup · 21/12/2022 08:27

This sounds like hardwork only 2 years in. I’d move on and fond someone more interested in building a shared life.

Pansypotter123 · 21/12/2022 08:28

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

This isn't just about him - what you want/need us equally important.

Out of curiosity, why is your house on the market?

LizziesTwin · 21/12/2022 08:30

Split now, life is long & you don’t need him.

Annonnimouse · 21/12/2022 08:32

how do you feel about a future with a man who doesn’t know how he feels about a future with you?

Greenfairydust · 21/12/2022 08:33

Just move on OP.

You don't want to be with a man who is not sure about you and is causing you so much stress and uncertainty.

Velvian · 21/12/2022 08:34

You need to take control of the situation by ending things.

GetThatHelmetOn · 21/12/2022 08:35

Don’t wait, why put your life and future on hold for someone who doesn’t even know if you are the one to keep?

It will only get more toxic and more complex the longer you stay. He is not that into you and your expectations would make him nastier as what you want us not what he wants, let him go to allow yourself the opportunity to find yourself someone that is more aligned to what you want and what you need.

Pictograph · 21/12/2022 08:35

How long had you been together when he was "very sure" about marriage and kids? To be honest I would be wary of someone who says this early on (after less than a year). Do you think he was love bombing / future faking you?

spare123 · 21/12/2022 08:37

Leave. You'll waste your fertile years on him.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/12/2022 08:40

You don't wait... you move on. And if your house is on the market with a view to buying with him.., or moving closer to him... get it off the market now!

Slagging off his ex is a big red flag. You're 28!! So young... go and find someone with no kids!

Triffid1 · 21/12/2022 08:40

Hes keeping you dangling. I couldn't be bothered with that.

I'm sort of surprised though that he isn't pushing to move rent free into your house. A man who was "screwed over by his existing usually v quick to want on tap, feè lodging, housekeeping and sex <spoiler: doesn't happen as often as men like to think because in Real life, being forced to provide for your children is not "being screwed over">

Rainbowqueeen · 21/12/2022 08:40

Move on without him. He’s a future faker. Don’t let him waste your time

upfucked · 21/12/2022 08:50

“Screwed over financial buy his ex”. You mean he is complaining he needs to pay child maintenance. This tells you the kind of man he is.

ZekeZeke · 21/12/2022 08:51

Whatever you do, don't sell your home!
He isn't financially stable and you will be screwed if you buy with him. He lives at home. He is a man child

And don't believe every word out of his mouth about being financialy screwed over by his ex! it's easy to blame the ex.

lamaze1 · 21/12/2022 08:54

Him arguing is possibly him deflecting/not knowing how to answer you as he doesn't want to move to the next stage with you. Do your own thing. Don't wait for him to come around. He might, but don't hang around waiting for that to happen.

TerraNostra · 21/12/2022 08:55

Yep, the “screwed over by his ex” is a massive red flag. He’s either bitter about having to pay a reasonable amount to support his child or he’s an idiot who was unable to negotiate properly!

At 2 years in, on the brink of living together, this should be plain sailing, not second-guessing and mind games. Knock it in the head and move on.

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 08:57

I wouldn't wait any longer. Break up with him.

Also, in my opinion (which is likely to be unpopular), it's a red flag that he broke up with the mother of his child when said child was just 3.

FluffyPersian · 21/12/2022 09:01

Your 'niggling thoughts' is your gut feeling that something is wrong - and that's because it is - don't ignore it.

He says 'I'm struggling with you' to shut you down, to train you to not raise things that upset or annoy you and if you do, he says that as he knows it will upset you further, so in order to avoid being upset.... you don't challenge him, nor do you put your needs first.

He doesn't sound committed to you - he sold you a dream, but doesn't want it to come true in reality. I certainly wouldn't be selling your house if it's anything to do with him - I'd bin him off.

SpacePotato · 21/12/2022 09:14

I hope you aren't selling your home to move in/nearer to him.

Time to put this one to bed. You don't wait for him to waste any more of your life waiting. He's clearly not arsed.

Patris · 21/12/2022 09:18

Hey. You have to think about yourself first and then about him.
Stay with yourself for a moment and focus on what you desire.
What do you feel?Do you imagine your whole life with this person?Or you're just used to it and you're afraid to make a change. Some time ago, I also thought that I loved and wanted a person, but inside I did not feel his soul.
You have to trust your feelings.

AlinaSquareQueen · 21/12/2022 09:26

I’d cut your losses now OP - even though I can tell it’s going to be heart-breaking for you.

My DD, in mid-20s, recently broke off a long term relationship with someone who was totally career-driven and a workaholic, and that she suspected was always going to put himself first. She certainly wasn’t going to wait around to find out. She is now seeing someone else who has a much better work/life balance.

OP, you are young enough to get back in the dating world, and I personally wouldn’t accept someone less than perfect for you (which I accept is easier said than done).

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