Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

He keeps changing his mind about a future with me

40 replies

Hopefultears · 21/12/2022 08:14

I’ve (F28) been with my boyfriend (M33) for 2 years. He has a 5 year old daughter
To start with he was very sure and confident about our future, having kids / getting married etc.
We went through a spell about 6 months ago where we were rocky, both highly stressed, so he ended up saying he didn’t want to move in together anymore.

I kind of agreed at the time but since then I’ve been very anxious about our future, whether he wants kids, or marriage. or to even move in since all convos of that nature have stopped
He lives at home currently due to being screwed over financially by his ex & due to the current rates. Which puts a massive strain for me to be honest, I hate it.
I own my own home 30 mins out the area, which is currently up for sale.

I don’t know how much longer to hang on to wait and see what he wants.
every time I try and bring it up it’s a big argument at the moment and he keeps making comments such as “I’m struggling with you” etc.
it’s a real blow.
don’t get me wrong 99% of the time it’s great, I’m obviously highlighting the worst for this post but it’s these niggly thoughts that keep me from fully trusting and letting go.

how long do I wait on?

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2022 09:26

If he's not capable of a reasonable discussion about your futures I'd find that concerning. I'd say either end things and move on. Or make your own choices in your best interests and see if he's willing to fit in.

80s · 21/12/2022 09:27

Lots of red flags there to be honest, OP.
🚩 Very sure at the start that you'd get married and have children - weird enough as it is, but from a recently divorced man even stranger
🚩 Screwed over financially by his ex - what tricks can you play, exactly, to get more than your due share of money out of your exh?
🚩“I’m struggling with you” - making out that you are a problematic person, whereas he's what? A great catch?

You know what you want. Do what you want and leave him to dither.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/12/2022 09:30

From here he doesn't sound like a good bet! Unstable, angry, blaming his issues on other women, seemingly taking that out on you, keeping you hanging on. Nothing in that sounds like a good life partner, regardless of how much sugar he pours to keep you sweet!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2022 09:30

You're not listening, op. He's being quite clear this relationship has run its course.

Original poster

Hopefultears · 21/12/2022 09:32

Thanks everyone for your input

just to clear up a few things

when I say screwed over financially, I mean he had to go to court to get what he was fully owed from a house they bought together, she refused to move. Meaning he’s had a save pretty much from
scratch again for a deposit in this market.
Nothing to do with child maintenance at all. In fact he sees his daughter more than the mother and still pays his maintenance.
Hes also never been married

I think my main fear is getting to 30 and still not being in a position of having kids and having to start again

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 21/12/2022 09:32

Leave. If he keeps changing his mind now then it will continue. Even if you stay together until you retire with hundreds of kids, he will continue to threaten to leave. You don't need that kind of insecurity in your life.

Please find someone who actually wants you

Dotcheck · 21/12/2022 09:35

How long had he been broken up with his ex before you got together?

OP- you are so young. Find a wonderful man who can’t wait to start a future with you.

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2022 09:41

The trouble is, he's not even talking the talk to keep you dangling right now because you say every attempt at a conversation ends with him being defensive and argumentative.

Sounds like he likes the situation how it is but that's not working for you, so only you can decide where you go with that.

80s · 21/12/2022 09:43

So he didn't marry his ex either? That makes it more surprising that he was so keen to marry you immediately after breaking up, not less. If, as you say, he has his dd more than 50% of the time at his mum's house, then I guess that he would be keen to move out, though.
You mean his ex refused to sell up so they could divide the profits from the house sale between them? He took his ex to court and will now be getting the money he is owed? Could that have anything to do with him now changing his mind about moving in with you?

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 09:43

Hopefultears · 21/12/2022 09:32

Thanks everyone for your input

just to clear up a few things

I think my main fear is getting to 30 and still not being in a position of having kids and having to start again

At your age there are plenty of guys who are uncomplicated and don't have all this baggage and drama surrounding them. Court cases, daughters etc...I mean, come on OP, open your eyes.

You don't need this shit.

You don't want to get to 30 and have to start again....so don't, do it now at 28.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/12/2022 09:47

he had to go to court to get what he was fully owed from a house they bought together, she refused to move.
She had his child to house... many women are advised by all and sundry, solicitors included, to sit tight

Meaning he’s had a save pretty much from scratch again for a deposit in this market.

And his ex, the parent housing his child? Was she given a house for free or something?

Nothing to do with child maintenance at all. In fact he sees his daughter more than the mother and still pays his maintenance.

Really? Does his daughter live with him? Or does he have the greater share of leisure time, the good bits, with his daughter? You know, Disney Dad whilst her mum does all the housework, parent stuff? Still pays his maintenance sounds like something a bitter man would say!

Hes also never been married

Can't say that surprises me! And makes it even more understandable that his ex stayed in the house until a court told her to move.

Hopefully all of that will give you another perspective. Obviously I have no idea as to the truth. But you only have his version of events!

80s · 21/12/2022 09:51

When I broke up with my exh, one of his accusations was that I pushed him into marrying me. This is a common part of the Script - he seemed keen enough at the time! Can you imagine being in the same situation in 10 years' time: you've married him, had children, then he starts being a shit to you, or has an affair, and can convincingly claim that you pushed him into having children and he was never even sure about marrying you, hence this is all your fault?
He doesn't have to be begging you desperately to marry him, but a bit of enthusiasm is the very minimum requirement.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/12/2022 09:51

You do know he wants, which is not to move in with you.
He's not that interested, sorry to be so blunt. Time to keep your dignity and move on.

Meseekslookatme · 21/12/2022 10:17

Move on.
I sold my flat to go off with a future faker.
(He was back with mummy and daddy too)
We split 4 years ago, I've paid off half of the 22k debt i was left with.
Run a mile.

ThePear · 21/12/2022 10:32

Exactly what @Dacadactyl said.

You are 28, there’s nothing appealing about your boyfriend who is dependent on his parents to house him, who has baggage and who openly doesn’t want to be with you. Believe him. You’re throwing your time away. No need for analysing or big discussions or rows, simply discard him and move on and enjoy your life.

when I saw your thread title I thought ‘why is he being given the opportunity to decide if you’re ‘worthy’ of him? Raise your standards significantly, this bloke should never have been on your radar.

Flip

1 2