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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship has ended, but I just want him back

49 replies

NellyTheCake · 21/12/2022 07:45

My partner ended our relationship on Monday and I'm heartbroken. We've been together 18mths and had made plans for a future together.

I knew he was unhappy and I'd asked him why a few times but he'd brushed it off blaming work and tiredness. Now I know he was unhappy because of me.

He felt that I wasn't including him enough in my life. But he never said anything to me about this. He said he was waiting for me to work it out.

This year has been horrible for me. My dad died suddenly at the beginning of the year. My mum has spent most of the year in and out of hospital and care homes. Just as I think she's better, she ends up in an ambulance back to hospital. And it's a 500mile round trip for me to visit her.

I also have a teen still at home. My partner's children are much older. But I have to around for my child to be supportive as well as their taxi driver.

I know I've been guilty of putting my partner's needs last in recently months but I just haven't had the headspace to think of him as well as my mum's needs and my child's. But I also didn't want to drag him into all the stress that was going on in my life.
He was my haven of peace and calm. I thought he understood. He has been supportive and listened to me all the time.

He has a very logical way of looking at life. And as much as I tried to explain he just said he'd given me plenty of chances to realise what I was doing.

I know he is very hurt by this and that he's ended it because he doesn't want to be hurt any more.

Has anyone any ideas how I might be able to sort this out? Or how I can get over it? I feel so bad that I've done this to him but I also think it could be fixed if he would listen to me.
Thanks

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/12/2022 07:48

He's been a total shit to watch you going through all that stress and not mention how he was feeling, silently testing you to work it out on your own. Honestly, what a selfish arsehole.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 21/12/2022 07:50

You're well rid of him really!!!

JoanCandy · 21/12/2022 07:52

Definitely well rid, he’s done you a favour by buggering off. You’ll see that eventually, OP.
I hope the new year is a better one for you 💐

Fireflygal · 21/12/2022 07:55

Your priorities were correct - your focus should have been your mum and teen.

If he couldn't understand and accept that then he isn't the right man for you.

Of course it's upsetting but the fact he didn't speak to you and expected you to "work it out yourself" shows he is emotionally immature. If he didn't end it now, it would be another time when you needed to priortise other people.

18-24 months is when you start to know your partner - it seems you invested significantly with planning a future but that may have been premature. You will grief the loss of the future but keep in mind you still had to get to know each other and he has shown he isn't the right man for you.

Crazypaving22 · 21/12/2022 07:56

What?!?! You've lost your dad, your mum is in and out of care and you're running around over that and you have a teen and the poor sausage feels you're not giving enough to him.

Seriously there are so many red flags waving with this idiot it's unbelievable.

Men do not leave on these terms. I suspect he is just done with the relationship and is lying to you on the reasoning to paint himself in the best light. Classic blame-shifting.

You are well rid of this loser.

Allelbowsandtoes · 21/12/2022 07:58

Sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time OP. I know you're hurting now, but would you really want to be back with someone who is so poor at communicating? He'd presumably be the same with any other issues that came up in the future - never discussing them but silently resenting you - and you'd always be second guessing yourself.
I'd say you're well out of it. Just take some time to take care of you, right now ❤

PumpkinTruffle · 21/12/2022 07:59

So sorry to hear about you father and mother OP. If you other half was not there supporting you and expecting you to wait on him hand and foot, then good riddance to him!!! He does not deserve you. Your priorities were absolutely right. If he doesn't understand that, then he's a waste of space xx

Original poster
NellyTheCake · 21/12/2022 08:00

Thanks for everyone's comments.
I know you are all right. And I will keep reading them to remind myself.

Right now I feel guilty for not recognising what was happening.
As someone said he is emotionally immature in some ways. I think he has a number of autistic traits which is not an excuse but his way of thinking is based on logic not emotion.

OP posts:
hobbledyhoy · 21/12/2022 08:01

As PP's have suggested you have dodged a bullet, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that just now.

For a person to sit on the sidelines and watch another go through such heartache and trauma and come out of it with the opinion they he's not getting enough attention is quite appalling and I think tells you everything you need know about him.

Your focus was absolutely on the right things, your family, rather than a man you had at that point recently met, this needs no explanation or apology.

And if he comes back tell him to fuck off.

PainfulAnkles · 21/12/2022 08:09

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here and he’s not a bad guy.

If the last 12 monthd out of 18 month relationship has been this bad, that means there had only been 6 hood months. You can’t fault anyone for leaving.

I wouldn’t want my new relationship be about ill and dying elderly or teenagers, either.

And he was likely mature enough not to push you while everything was going on, but then realised that there wasn’t enough of a relationship here.

Fair enough. At least he didn’t go and cheat or blame you.
He did the right thing.

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 08:11

I think it’s good he’s ended things. Expecting you to just figure out exactly what was wrong when you certainly noticed things weren’t right and asked him is really messing with your head. You’ve had an incredibly intense and difficult year and put your energies where they are most needed. He seems to have both thrown his toys out of the pram and also expected you to play guessing games about what he actually wanted from you vs communicating like a mature adult.

In the context of how much you’ve been through, that’s exceptionally cruel. It’s also cruel for him to pretty much lay the blame on you for this breakup by saying you should have realised x and y. You asked, you wanted to fix whatever was wrong - he stonewalled you and then shifted the blame onto you.

I realise you’re upset and I don’t blame you, especially since he’s done this a couple of days before your first Xmas without your dad. This should be a time where you feel supported and valued, not when this man plays mind games with you. But if this is how he resolves issues in a relationship he is not a healthy person to be with.

Really sorry you’re going through this, I hope you can have a peaceful Xmas.

Feellikeimalwaysmoaning · 21/12/2022 08:13

Sounds to me like he has worded his reasons for breaking up with you to make you feel it’s your fault so that he doesn’t look or feel bad for ending things.

’if only you had realised or if only you had behaved like this, then I wouldn’t be ending it’

of course there are always reasons why you are breaking up with someone but you can do it in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel it’s all there fault.

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 08:17

PainfulAnkles · 21/12/2022 08:09

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here and he’s not a bad guy.

If the last 12 monthd out of 18 month relationship has been this bad, that means there had only been 6 hood months. You can’t fault anyone for leaving.

I wouldn’t want my new relationship be about ill and dying elderly or teenagers, either.

And he was likely mature enough not to push you while everything was going on, but then realised that there wasn’t enough of a relationship here.

Fair enough. At least he didn’t go and cheat or blame you.
He did the right thing.

He did blame her though. She asked what was wrong and he refused to tell her, and then told her she should have basically worked it out for herself. That’s game playing in my book.

I agree anyone can end a relationship of course if it’s not working for them, but he seems to have quietly seethed and then broken up with OP vs communicating when she asked what was wrong so things could be fixed. That’s not the actions of a decent and healthy communicator.

NewToWoo · 21/12/2022 08:29

He sounds like that creepy bloke in Love Actually, who is so offended that his date prioritises her mentally ill brother over his need for a shag that he never bothers with her again. If he can't appreciate how hard life is for you right now then he is looking for something very different from what you can provide. He wants to be centre of attention.

PainfulAnkles · 21/12/2022 08:48

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 08:17

He did blame her though. She asked what was wrong and he refused to tell her, and then told her she should have basically worked it out for herself. That’s game playing in my book.

I agree anyone can end a relationship of course if it’s not working for them, but he seems to have quietly seethed and then broken up with OP vs communicating when she asked what was wrong so things could be fixed. That’s not the actions of a decent and healthy communicator.

Show quote history

Like I sai, he perhaps saw and knew op had enough on her plate, so didn’t want to add pressure.
It just went on and on and perhaps he didn’t want to waste more time.

If he had asl more attention, op would be told he’s horrible fir asking whatever he’d be asking, since she has so much going on.

It doesn’t sound like there was much of a relationship here anyway.

Original poster
NellyTheCake · 21/12/2022 08:50

PainfulAnkles · 21/12/2022 08:09

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here and he’s not a bad guy.

If the last 12 monthd out of 18 month relationship has been this bad, that means there had only been 6 hood months. You can’t fault anyone for leaving.

I wouldn’t want my new relationship be about ill and dying elderly or teenagers, either.

And he was likely mature enough not to push you while everything was going on, but then realised that there wasn’t enough of a relationship here.

Fair enough. At least he didn’t go and cheat or blame you.
He did the right thing.

I get what you're saying. The stress of this last year has been horrendous.
I thought I was going to lose my mum as well as my dad.

It is a lot for someone to take on.
But I asked him a number of times what was wrong. And I asked if he was fed up with the stress and felt he'd had enough.
He always said no.

One of the reasons he gave for not feeling included was that I never asked him to drive me to see my mum.
I just felt that was too much someone to do.

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 08:57

Did he say he wanted to come with you to see your mum? Did he offer to drive? Or did he expect you to offer without saying anything to you?

Because if he never said anything, again, that’s expecting you to be a mind reader vs actually communicating.

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 08:58

Sorry - expect you to ask not offer.

Concerned3 · 21/12/2022 09:09

Hmm so he's closed the relationship in part because you didnt ask him to drive to your Mum.

Yet when you pecifically asked during the relationship what was up, he couldn't manage to say that was important to him, to help him feel included.

Assuming he's genuine about his reasons ( the reasons he's sharing now, because you failed to psychically 'work out' the reasons he gave before were not the real issue) how would that work for any future issues?

Expecting you to figure out he's fobbing you off when you ask what's wrong, then breaking up because you took him at his word (while going through a very upsetting & difficult time yourself)? That's immature, self-centred and unreasonable. Unlikely to change.

And great point from PP about the timing, just before your first Christmas after the bereavement.

You're almost certainly much better off without this secretly sulking man-child.

Ofcourseshecan · 21/12/2022 09:22

PainfulAnkles · 21/12/2022 08:09

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here and he’s not a bad guy.

If the last 12 monthd out of 18 month relationship has been this bad, that means there had only been 6 hood months. You can’t fault anyone for leaving.

I wouldn’t want my new relationship be about ill and dying elderly or teenagers, either.

And he was likely mature enough not to push you while everything was going on, but then realised that there wasn’t enough of a relationship here.

Fair enough. At least he didn’t go and cheat or blame you.
He did the right thing.

I totally disagree.

He felt that I wasn't including him enough in my life. But he never said anything to me about this. He said he was waiting for me to work it out.

So in all the grief OP is going through, it’s her fault for failing this test, which she didn’t even know he had imposed on her.

OP, he’s a sh*t. I hope you meet a decent man soon.

Original poster
NellyTheCake · 21/12/2022 09:31

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 08:57

Did he say he wanted to come with you to see your mum? Did he offer to drive? Or did he expect you to offer without saying anything to you?

Because if he never said anything, again, that’s expecting you to be a mind reader vs actually communicating.

No, he never offered to drive or suggested he could help with this.
He said I should've known he would've been happy to do this because he's helped me with other things.

He admitted that he should've said something but thought I would realise what was happening.

The sad bit is that I did realise he wasn't so much a priority but I thought he understood why.

Communication was poor by both of us but especially from him.

He was crying when I saw him and hugged me so tight and for so long I thought he wouldn't let go. And I thought he had changed his mind. But he had made his mind up before he saw me and nothing I said made a difference.

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 21/12/2022 10:36

He was setting you up to fail. You are rushed off your feet and bereaved an should have "realised" he was unhappy even when he lied to you saying he wasnt. I think he had checked out.

Captone · 21/12/2022 10:46

Let's hope his next relationship is with Mystic Meg, because expecting you to read his mind when you tried to have a conversation several times to help the relationship is completely unreasonable of him. Relationships require communication and he doesn't seem to believe this, so sounds like you'll be much happier without him, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

DecayedStrumpet · 21/12/2022 11:16

Flip it around - How can he have watched someone close to him struggle like that, and not offered to help if he could?

Just to run some sort of test on you? How cruel!

Original poster
NellyTheCake · 21/12/2022 12:32

The worst bit of this is that my mum was so happy I'd finally met someone after being on my own for years.

I'll have to somehow tell her it's over without saying he couldn't handle dealing with the stress her illness has caused me

OP posts: