Relationship has ended, but I just want him back

[NellyTheCake]

My partner ended our relationship on Monday and I'm heartbroken. We've been together 18mths and had made plans for a future together.

I knew he was unhappy and I'd asked him why a few times but he'd brushed it off blaming work and tiredness. Now I know he was unhappy because of me.

He felt that I wasn't including him enough in my life. But he never said anything to me about this. He said he was waiting for me to work it out.

This year has been horrible for me. My dad died suddenly at the beginning of the year. My mum has spent most of the year in and out of hospital and care homes. Just as I think she's better, she ends up in an ambulance back to hospital. And it's a 500mile round trip for me to visit her.

I also have a teen still at home. My partner's children are much older. But I have to around for my child to be supportive as well as their taxi driver.

I know I've been guilty of putting my partner's needs last in recently months but I just haven't had the headspace to think of him as well as my mum's needs and my child's. But I also didn't want to drag him into all the stress that was going on in my life.
He was my haven of peace and calm. I thought he understood. He has been supportive and listened to me all the time.

He has a very logical way of looking at life. And as much as I tried to explain he just said he'd given me plenty of chances to realise what I was doing.

I know he is very hurt by this and that he's ended it because he doesn't want to be hurt any more.

Has anyone any ideas how I might be able to sort this out? Or how I can get over it? I feel so bad that I've done this to him but I also think it could be fixed if he would listen to me.
Thanks

You don’t have to tell her that because it’s not true. He was unable or unwilling to communicate his needs to you and because of that it got to the stage where he preferred to end it vs communicate. That’s all you need to say to your mum.

You don't tell her that because he's lying!!!!

Really OP don't even go near the idea that this man isn't a selfish idiot.

Plenty of couples get together and have awful things to deal with in the first year/ two years, but they ride it together. He's chosen not to.

Don't buy his absolute bs of this is your problem. He had a voice, he chose not to use it.

He wanted a cheat out and he's got it.

He's a creep!

You deserve so much better!

Oh, please.

Now he’s creep!?

Don’t be silly.

He didn’t want anymore of op’s misery, that’s fine.
There is a on going thread, first page, where op wants to leave her depressed husband - many are supporting for her to get out.
Is she cheat, creep, awful too?

@PainfulAnkles you're the only one who can't see that this man is trying to blameshift.

He's making the OP feel awful for a decision he's ultimately entirely happy with.

I'd say that makes him a creep - you might not.

Imho adults own their choices, not shift blame leaving the devastated partner trying to figure out how they could have done better...

People think differently to you here, I've not called you out, you gave your opinion I clearly have mine.

Don't call me silly and patronise me thank you just because you disagree it's so tedious.

@Crazypaving22
Called me out?
I don’t care.
There’s nothing to call out on.

I was trying to give another perspective.
Giving 12 months and not getting much back isin’t something to just brush over.
Fair enough if you don’t want to see that, but it’s good for op to know that, so she can see that someone was there for a long time.

Relationship didn’t work out for him anymore, anyone can leave at any time, doesn’t make them the bad guy.

Is there a reason you have to gather other people in your team, pointing out that they agree with you?
Stand behind your own words, no beed to drag others into it.

Maybe you’re taking your frustration about your poor relationship out here, since you seem determined to get the OP to question herself and blame herself for this guy’s issues? Would you enjoy people telling you that if your partner isnt romantic it’s probably fair enough and they’ve done nothing wrong and interpret it all through the lens it must be you?

I agree with @PainfulAnkles and I really disagree with @Crazypaving22. Whatever reason he gave for ending it would have upset the OP. It is really unfair to label him creepy. What is the MN mantra about getting involved with a guy who has family problems? Don't lumber yourself, get out while you can and nothing should be this hard so early on.
Sounds like you have enough on your plate with your mother at the moment, OP.

I said he was a creep not creepy.

At the end of the day I don't think he's being honest with the OP, you do. I've seen enough of this to feel justified in saying that.

I haven't time to argue with two people on mumsnet over this. It's Christmas.

We disagree, end of.

He set you up, imposed covert tests on you, refused to discuss issues, dismissed your concerns. Then of course he 'cried' at the parting, I expect he did that uglycrying with extra shoulder heaves [cynic].

He is a manipulative arsehole and you are well rid of him.

If posters think she is well rid of him then the OP has had a lucky escape but the OP says she is broken hearted. Wait a couple of months OP, until things with your mother are more stable and then approach your ex boyfriend and ask for another chance. Make sure you include him this time around and make him feel like a valued part of your life. Nothing ventured and all that.

I don’t agree with this at all. It would have been totally inappropriate of him to mention it as it was happening - can you imagine? “I know your mum is in hospital but I’m feeling neglected.” I can’t see that would have gone down well.

I think he’s done the right thing - he can see that you can’t give him what he needs so he’s finished it. What else was he supposed to do?

I agree that the wording “waiting for you to work it out” isn’t great, but in terms of what’s happened, he’s perfectly entitled to end the relationship if he’s not happy.

He couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention more like.

He's not reading well to me...how unhealthy to wait for someone to "figure out what they're doing wrong." He's incapable of a relationship.

Hes also, whilst hurting you, twisted this to make you feel guilty and he the long suffering victim. It's manipulative.

Oh...and there's someone else. I guarantee it.

"He has a very logical way of looking at life. And as much as I tried to explain he just said he'd given me plenty of chances to realise what I was doing."
What a Prince Amongst Men this particular arsehole is! Won't say anything because he expects you to be telepathic. Because that is what he's actually saying. You said - "I knew he was unhappy and I'd asked him why a few times but he'd brushed it off blaming work and tiredness." You asked him. He misled you with his answer, but still expects you to divine the "real" reason from the aether.

I'm going to make a suggestion here. He's lying. He's rewriting history to present himself (to himself) as the good guy, rather than the unsupportive jerk who sits back and watches someone he claims to care about be run ragged, whilst whining to himself inside his head 'But what about meeeee?'

"I know he is very hurt by this and that he's ended it because he doesn't want to be hurt any more."
Honestly - you know no such thing. All you can know is what he tells you, and he is too busy telling himself that he is a good guy to tell you the truth.

@PainfulAnkles Giving 12 months and not getting much back isn’t something to just brush over.

I never said he didn't get much back. I made sure I saw him every weekend and at least once during the week. I included him in my friendship groups. I booked tickets to a number of gigs for the two of us, days out etc. We had weekends away that I arranged. We talked on the phone for at least 30mins every evening.

His complaint was mostly that I excluded him from my family time. That I kept my parents and my child at a distance from him.
He said he just wanted to spend more time with me and I didn't let him.

This thread has helped me see that he was being selfish. He is alone with few friends and family around and got lonely when I wasn't there. If my child wasn't still at home, I think he would've pressured me to move in with him.

I feel I gave him plenty of opportunity to say what was bothering him. I asked if the stress of my life was getting too much and that was why he was being distant. But he said it wasn't. He said he was happy to be there for me, to support me.

And as much as I tried to explain he just said he'd given me plenty of chances to realise what I was doing.

OP, I know I’m not the only person on this thread who is grinding her teeth with rage reading that!

What a tough year you have had and he turns out to be a petulant toddler because he wasn't your priority and you didn't work it out even though you asked him multiple times.

You are well rid OP.

He's extremely immature.
Not what you need.

Mind yourself, i hope things get easier for you.

This - what a bloody selfish patronising bastard.

what are you a child - supposed to drop everything and run around after him and worship him and prioritise him. Normal men don’t do this - they communicate and even then he could be offering to drive or fly with you.

you have had a very very lucky escape even though it doesn’t feel like it

if you were ill yourself he would still Expect to be number one.

please block this one

I think this too.
The mere fact that he’s twisted everything around to make it your fault is truly shitty behaviour.

if you were ill yourself he would still Expect to be number one

I'd forgotten about this. About a year ago I was ill. One of those horrible colds when you're very snotty and just want to stay in bed.

I cancelled my weekend with him, explaining I didn't want him to catch it.
He sulked and ignored my messages until I called him. He said I should've asked him before cancelling the weekend. He said he didn't care about catching my cold, he just wanted to be with me.

Then he came over to see me for the weekend and was ill with a cold for the rest of the week.

I thought he was being caring at the time but now I think he was manipulating me into thinking I'd been mean to him

Gosh, reading this last post he sounds awful!
My DD had a boyfriend like this, he twisted absolutely everything around to make it her fault. Luckily she eventually escaped from the relationship.

This. As well as coping with all the family upset, OP's expected to be a mindreader. What an absolute tosser he us.

He sounds worse the more you post about him. Why should you invite him over when ill?

He sounds really immature.

Don’t give this man another thought. Whatever you did, it would always be wrong. Too much attention, or too little attention. Too little involvement, or too much. Whatever you did, it wouldn’t have been enough.
you have your priorities right, he doesn’t. Oh and please do brush up on your mind reading skills!

Oh and please do brush up on your mind reading skills!

That made me laugh.
Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better about it all now.

I still miss him and I know I will do for a while but I have a different perspective on what happened now.