Constant battle with DP and DD. I want to just leave them to it.

[MinkyGreen]

DP works until 9pm every night. I’ve made him dinner, he gets in - eats it and leaves the dirty dishes in the kitchen. Falls asleep on sofa. We have 2 children. Oldest DD is usually still awake when he gets home, so he does put her to bed. DD and DP have a ‘bond’ - and I feel I’m often talked about behind my back/Mummy is wrong to say that etc etc. I’m constantly annoyed with DO because he doesn’t do or organise anything. Whether it’s school, days out, activities with the children - he relies on me to tell him what’s going on. Youngest DS is awaiting an ASD diagnosis. He has no clue about any of it, unless I point out that he should really show some interest. Then he makes an ‘effort’ to ask - but default is no interest. He does do DIY tasks, but household tasks are all left to me.
DD just wants to play computer games all day, or glued to her phone. I monitor both - but am just met with rudeness and told I’m strict or made to feel like the bad person. Tried yesterday to engage in Christmas crafts, trip to the park - but it was a horrible battle. She appears to have no joy in anything. No effort to do sports/hobbies etc. She leaves sweet papers, wrappers all around the house - despite me constantly telling me to put them in bin (similar to DP, I found his cake wrapper tucked down the side of the sofa yesterday). Last night I moaned that DP wasn’t back at it was 8pm - she told me it was my fault and that I’m always complaining. It feels like DD and DP are very similar and are ‘ganging up’ on me - although I know that sounds ridiculous.
I feel DD and DP show me no respect whatsoever. And I just want to stop trying.
DS is only 3 - but by contrast is just so happy, he follows me around and helps me tidy.
I currently feel like giving up and just leaving DP and DD to their own devices. It’s the total lack of empathy/respect for other people. Even a letter to Father Christmas from DD was a list of demands, and she shouted at me when I said there needs to be at least be one please or a thank you. I’m fed up with the battles and arguments, reminders, being shouted at.
DP’s parents both have recently tested positive for Covid, he wants them both here for Xmas. I then have to visit my Mum who is alone and CEV. Her needs don’t seem to be part of the thought process here.

My current thoughts now are to go to my Mum’s with DS before his parents arrive. Let DD, DP and his parents all have their selfish Xmas together - and I’ll just spend Xmas with DS and my Mum.

When does DP leave for work?

how old is DD? It isn’t clear if she is 5 or 15!

do you work?

Take DS and go to your moms. Does sound like very one will enjoy the day more.

DD is nearly 12. I work part time. He is usually out of house 8am, back at 9pm. This work pattern first started after DD was born. Felt like avoidance of doing anything to help at home.

So hormones are probably part of the problem with DD, along with learned behaviour from DP.
I’d say LTB, but you’ll lose your DD as well.

DP and DD are so bloody similar. I should have LTB years ago to stop that happening. They agree on everything and it’s a battle against both of them. Apparently I’m wrong to moan about sweet wrappers down the sofa - and it’s coming from both of them. They back each other up.

Both constantly on phones, computers, screens. Both need reminders to thank people in shops, restaurants etc

Where do they think sweet wrappers should go then?!

It sounds unbearable, how childish and pathetic.

He isn't going to suddenly pull his weight so will you LTB?

I can see similar traits between my STBEXH and my eldest daughter. The lack of manners (lack of please and Thankyou drives me nuts!) temper when asked to do anything, general spoilt entitlement.

Luckily DD is 7 and her dad and I are divorcing and I actually feel grateful that I can now parent her 100% in the way I want and try and correct some of the learned behaviour she has clearly got from him

The answer from both of them would be - “I was going to do that, but I was going to do it later. You don’t need to moan at me all the time.” Thing is the later never comes or they then forget.

I would LTB but I have financial security - and weekdays I feel like he not here anyway.

DS also needs stability. He’s oblivious to any of this. He immediately puts his wrapper in the bin. He’s 3.

Why on earth is a high school student doing a letter to Santa? She probably thought you were taking the piss and so took it back by writing a list of demands.

As they say on MN - you have a DP problem

He's setting a really really bad example in the way he behaves and the way he treats you.

A grown adult leaving mess around the house and his dirty dishes for you to clear up? Fuck that.

Needing a reminder to say thank you in shops? Rude, entitled prick.

I would go to your mum's early particularly because of his parents having covid and your mum being cev (but also to get away from your arsehole partner).

@crimbocountdown I should have done the same. Maybe it’s not too late.

The lack of manners drives me completely nuts. But I guess it’s also the gaslighting?? - that I’m wrong to correct that - and it’s now coming from both of them.

@SecretVictoria no - she still believes!! Tooth fairy was only questioned last year. I think we all have some ASD traits.

You might want to ask about assessment for ADHD there.

Just go to your mums with DS and have a lovely break away. In the new year seriously consider separating.

Dd may appreciate you more when 50/50 with Dp. Also by staying your son may start to learn the disrespect patterns as well.

Your dd sounds a little like mine. My dd is 12 and recently diagnosed with asd too. Her dad has ADHD and ASD. she's very much like her dad too.

Very unusual for a teenager to believe in Santa. Girls tend to mask ASD.

it’s a very unhealthy dynamic with both parents complaining to their child about their partner’s behaviour.

I wonder if the way your dd’s behaviour mirrors your DPs is making it harder to react differently to her (a child) than him (an adult who is fully responsible for his disappointing behaviour). Could you tell her ok, you can stay with DP on Christmas Day if you prefer, but lets spend a day together on x day and have your DP look after your 3 year old so you can focus in her for the day? (Assuming he must have more than one single day off for Christmas). Try to focus on your relationship with her as a separate thing from him? I am no expert in parenting soon to be teenagers but I do remember what it felt like to have my mum always annoyed with me and seeming to prefer younger siblings at that age (not that I am saying you make that visible to her).

The description of your DP and your DD's relationship and the way they treat you reminds me of 'the bad father' from the Freedom Program... Might be worth looking up.

I think it must have got really bad for you not to want to spend Christmas with your 12 year old daughter, worse than you think. I also think that a 12 year old wanting to be put to bed is nice but slightly less common, as is still believing in Father Christmas so I would be looking at other explanations.

As for Christmas I would go to your mums now for a few days (if you can) for a bit of time and reflection with both of them, leave OH to sort out what needs to be done for Christmas but then at least drop back dd for Christmas morning at home. Wasn't sure if you mean just popping over to your mums for a few hours leaving them to look after the Turkey or going over there to stay.

I do get you with the sweet wrappers. I tell mine that when I visit their house I am looking forward to stuffing wrappers down the sofa and leaving the lights on in every room!

Why on earth is she writing to Father Christmas at secondary school age?

My eldest dd used to be like this. I split from my ex when she was younger, he has them 50% of the time, but now actually she's lovey when she's with me, she helps out, likes to do things with me, and apart from her bedroom (which is a shit tip), she's clean and tidy. Apparently she's a nightmare at her Dads

It sounds like you feel victimised, like no one will ever just genuinely consider your needs. That is a really bad feeling when you clearly do a lot for everyone else.

I think working out what you want to change about the whole dynamic would be better than focussing on the small behaviours like sweet wrappers, which are easy to minimise. Does your DH genuinely need to work such long hours? Can you go to a therapist together to have some of these discussions?

I have a DD exactly the same who also stuffs rubbish down the sofa cushions and is awaiting an ASD assessment!

How was your relationship before your DS came along? I wonder if it is jealousy and resentment that she had/has to share you.

I think you would really let her down if you went away with just DS. She still needs you, despite her behaviour indicating otherwise.

With DD I have an app on my phone that I can set a time limit for the phone to be used and bed time/wake up time. It goes down much better when it is the device reaching the limit, rather than me saying enough.

You really need to reconnect, could you play a computer game together or watch a film? Things that she enjoys and would grudgingly agree to. Can you sometimes do something with just DD?

I really understand the frustration of the other parent never being at home. Don't mention it to the DC though, carry on life as if he is not there. Do what you want to do with the DC, don't mention Daddy being late, eat when you want to.

Can you contact your PILs and say that you're really sorry, but you will have to cancel your plans, as you can't risk giving Covid to your mum?

Exactly the same age, that should have said.

Do you think your DH might be on the spectrum too? If your dd is waiting for an assessment and they have many of the same traits...
Also have you thought of family or relationship therapy a or individual counselling for you?