Husband (38M) and I (38F) have been together for 6 1/2 years, married for 2 years now. We have been on the same page about having kids together since Day 1. Although throughout the relationship, he had doubts about whether we should stay in the relationship leading up to marriage. I didn't hear any more issues/doubts since we got married so I thought his commitment-phobia was gone. We were excitedly telling family/friends that we'd start trying to have kids about 8 months ago. Then one day he does a 180 and started getting defensive when I tried to talk to him about actually working on a baby. Ended up getting in a huge argument. He had started to become distant, I thought because of some health issues. Turns out he was having doubts about us again. A few weeks later, he told me that subconsciously he didn't think he could have kids with me. That something was inherently missing between us, an emotional intimacy that he wasn't sure if either of us could fix. I asked him, if kids were off the table, would he reconsider? He said there would still be something missing. I asked him if we could do couples therapy together? He didn't want to do that and thought we could do our own individual therapy. I asked him if we can actively work on it? He said working on it means we have to kill the current relationship, get over each other completely, and then see if we still want to be together. Although even if we "worked on it" there's no guarantee he wouldn't have these doubts a year from now. He says he wishes we were in our 20s where we'd have plenty of time to figure it out, but he didn't want to string me along any longer now that I'm in my late 30's.
I had enough of this instability, so I moved out 3 weeks later. That was 6 months ago. We filed for divorce 3 months ago because he said that if I meet someone, he wouldn't want me to be hung up on the fact that we're still married.
The problem is, we have still been hanging out quite often. I tried to go limited contact and that seemed to help, but we still have things to wrap up (i.e. a car, a house, financial things, etc.).
One of his biggest issues he had with me during the relationship was that I didn't communicate with him enough to his expectation. I thought I was very communicative but thought I'd try harder. So I have been open and honest with him about how I feel, about the dates I've gone on, and he's been honest about the dates he's gone on. Despite my communication, he maintains his stance that he's in limbo and isn't sure what he wants. All the while telling me, I'm the only woman he's ever wanted to have kids with, he loves me so much, etc. He still wants to have kids. He says things like, if I can work on my communication then I will have him 100% -- the goal posts move a lot and this feels very conditional.
Well over the last 6 months, I started chatting more with a former male colleague of mine who I've known for 12 years. He actually used to be my boss, I worked with him twice for 4 years total. He lives in a completely different state (where I used to live). I discovered that he likes me back and we have great chemistry. Although when I knew him, he was in a similar marriage situation before for 13 years so there was never any inkling of mutual interest. He just recently got out of a 2-year relationship, so he's taking some time to heal himself. He's understanding of my situation and is in no rush. He also doesn't want us to be a rebound for each other. I agree. He has a 9-year old son and has always wanted more kids. So we are on the same page in all of those aspects and would be open to having them with each other.
My DXH had suspected I had feelings for this person before I even knew I did and had constantly questioned me about him. After DXH and I separated, he kept asking me if I had spoken to this colleague yet and I said not really. He kept asking, why not? He's handsome, he's successful, etc. I started getting sick of him encouraging me and asking so much, I finally threw in the towel and started talking to this guy more. I was honest and told DXH about the fact that I was talking to him more. He continued to encourage me, saying he was proud of me for talking to this person and exploring this option. This was confusing to hear my DXH encouraging me to date him. One night he even asked me if I was in love with him, and I said "I don't know, I don't really trust any of my feelings right now fully." He took that as a YES, and said "It sounds like you're on your way."
The very next day, my DXH calls me up, he is in tears. He says it finally hit him that he might lose me, that I would be falling in love with this person so quickly. He is so used to speaking with me often and having access to me. I told him it isn't fair that he encourages me to date and then comes back the moment I start having feelings for someone else, and he said "I know I know, I have no right." I told him I cannot live in limbo, that I have little time left and this is the consequence of the rest of my life we're talking about. The lives of my children and their children. Then he came over and brought me flowers and groceries. He was hugging/kissing on me. We ended up hanging out for several days in a row. Although I was having my own doubts by the end of it. It's been 2 days and we haven't really spoken much.
I am distraught now and unsure what to do. I feel like my DXH's actions and words are signs he wants to get back together, but at the same time, not. Now I have growing feelings for the other guy. I am also afraid that if I got back with DXH I may not be able to trust his commitment. Also, I realize that him expressing his love for me doesn't mean he has any interest in getting together, more so he is just coming to terms with the fact that I'm moving on. I don't really know what to believe that comes out of his mouth anymore, it just confuses me further.
My colleague asked me if DXH had tried to come back to me yet, because that's what his DXW did when she found out he was moving on. So I called my colleague and told him that's what just happened, that it was confusing/overwhelming me, that I needed to get my head on straight and close this current chapter before opening a new one. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, overlap nor rebound. He was very understanding and said likewise, he's just started going to therapy for his 2-year relationship that ended 3 months ago and doesn't want to rebound. So we've just been texting every couple days.
I really don't feel like I have much time left to be dilly dallying with DXH and his indecisiveness. I also don't want to ruin my chances of this new guy. Although I've known him for so long and we have been very good friends and colleagues, we have traveled the world together for work trips and have shared a lot of very interesting memories through our work. I think we both know it could grow into a very deep love with mutual respect and admiration. I don't think he would close the door on me for needing more time.
I am curious if any other ladies (or men) have been in a similar situation where they had to make the difficult decision to leave a long-term relationship because their partner changed their mind. Or if the partner made it difficult for you to move on. Or if you had fear taking that step forward with someone new.
I know people are going to say things like 'no contact' and 'wait until you're officially divorced.' No contact is impossible at the moment, but waiting until divorce seems doable.