Emotionally Unavailable partner. Therapy?

[albapunk]

Firstly I want to say my DP is hugely supportive, kind and treats me well. We generally have a great relationship and I come from a previously very very abusive relationship. If I thought for one second I was in another, I'd have been long gone.

The issue? DP really really struggles to understand, show or feel sympathy or empathy when I'm upset or struggling emotionally with something. He doesn't generally show concern in these situations, or even offer a hug and handhold. Essentially he comes across as being emotionally checked. Not ideal when he is the person I want in my time of need.

It's becoming a bit of a niggling issue in our relationship, and after a pretty big conversation about it, DP basically admitted that he just looks for practical solutions, keep calm and carry on etc and he struggles to feel empathy, or understand why I (or people in general in certain situations) get upset over things that to him seem trivial to him. He feels there is often much bigger issues going on in the world, or that people are worse off etc. I have explained how yes that is correct but it doesnt mean my (or others) upset isn't valid.

He grew up being heavily bullied by other children and even adults, with an abusive stepfather and a mum who adored him but couldn't escape until he was in his teens, he then joined one of the armed forces for many years, he even now works in a male domimated environment. I think this past has built a wall up, and pushed feelings to the side because if you don't feel, you can't be hurt or bullied any longer but it has also taken away his ability to grasp others feelings. He is mostly happier being on his own as he doesn't have many friends. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, struggles to make friends as his hobbies and lifestyle doesn't revolve around laddish banter and alcohol like a lot of his peers. He feels he has little in common with a lot of other men to make friends.

We spoke about therapy or counciling but neither of us have experience of this, and our relationship is excellent in every other aspect, so we aren't sure if this type of thing would be best done as a couple or with him going on his own. Is there other things he could look at?He is absolutely willing to try all options and avenues and accepts we need to work through this. He has expressed it does hurt him to think that he is unintentionally hurting my feelings but again, that he simply can't understand it.

Does anyone have any experience or advice that is similar to the situation we are in?Thank you!

It’s good he’s considering therapy: he should go on his own and with you to build your relationship

How is he supportive or kind though? The rest of your post contradicts this

He treats me with love, kindness, respect, we are equals in our relationship and he works incredibly hard to pay for our life in general as I am a low earner in comparison. He supports my choices in pretty much all aspects of life. He would walk to the end of the earth to fix something as ailly as a flat tyre for me if I needed him too but he just cannot handle emotional upset, he doesn't make me feel bad as such for being upset, he just struggles to understand why or what to do, say, how to react.

I don't feel this issue we are having means he isn't supportive in general as he is open to accepting the issue is there and he wants to work it out.

He sounds a bit like my DH. My DH doesn’t really know how to do emotional support when I’m upset - instead he supports in very practical ways and helps ease my load that way. That works for us.

Thank you for your reply.

Have you ever found it difficult to deal with in the past, or have you always been able to manage with his way of helping?

Does he need to understand it?
you look sad, he doesn’t want you to be sad or for him to be the one to make you sad
he knows when you’re sad you like to be comforted in x way
so that’s what he does? It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t feel the same feelings

I've realised I'm a bit like this as well OP. I put it down to 2 possibilities, because I'm autistic (only realised late in life, and this is a very common symptom) and / or because I have been completely desensitised to show my emotions from a long term verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with my husband.

Its sounds like his way of showing love and support is through acts of service. Read up on love languages it might be a helpful way for you to reframe what is going on. I am not sure you can change someone who is like that, but if you can perceive he is showing his love and support in his way, that might help.

This was my first thought when I read post. I have autistic people in my life and are very much like this.

Counselling may be helpful as if something like this is suspected it would get picked up on

I had a lovely childhood and can be very empathetic. However, I absolutely cannot deal with partners' emotions. I can watch a TV show or an advert and cry, but I don't want a partner's emotions. I deal with mine, I don't want someone else's. My inner thoughts on the subject are less kind but that's the gist.

I don't mean I want him to feel the same feelings as such, but rather understand why I'm upset and that it is still valid for me to feel that way. He wouldn't ask for example if I'm okay, offer a hug or to chat about it. He struggles with the entire idea of upset emotions.

@TheMatriarchy , well said.
when others get emotional i go into action; hot tea, clean up bodily fluids, call 911, order dinner, even do the dishes, send cash. what ever physically needs doing.
sure i can hold a hand (for a short time) hug (for an even shorter time).
it doesn't mean i don't get it. i had a good childhood (albeit long ago) so different approaches typical to that time. it's my way of doing "something" that shows i care.

@albapunk is that because he loves you and doesn't like seeing you in such distress? wants to help but doesn't know how? or does he try in his own way and your not seeing it?

I have suspected autism in the past. He is dyslexic and was born with mild cerebal palsy, and does have some albeit fairly mild sensory issues.Not saying this goes hand in hand with autism of course but I know these conditions can sometimes have similar traits.

But also his general life has been so horrifically abusive, or male domimated and "man up" that I worry he is also insanely guarded

I think its important that a partner can deal with someone's emotional needs and both partners work together to find out how best to support each other.

The “man up” era has a lot to answer for, that’s for sure

@fallfallfall

Thank you. He is a very practical person, he deals in logic and problem solving. His entire career is built on these skills and he is VERY good at it. So in a way yes, I feel like he thinks he is helping in his own way somewhat, and I understand that completely...

But the fact he genuinely cannot seem to comprehend upset emotions, or see the validity in them does concern me somewhat, that sometimes the gesture of simply asking if I'm okay or even if I simply need a hug...I guess it hurts. I do appreciate folk have different love languages also.

We are both early 30s and it worries me that this is still happening despite massive pushes towards removing mental health stigma etc. In his armed forces career, it wasn't uncommon for others to find ways out of getting deployed, forcing him or others to step in, and a bullying culture developing from resentment. He has never been a bully, and has always stood up and did his job, but has always ensured he wasn't in a place to be bullied again if that makes sense because of how much abuse he has suffered in the past.

Can he learn empathy? The short answer is yes, but it’s difficult. Personally, I believe empathy is both innate and learned. Some of us are born with lashings of it, some of us aren’t. Some of us develop it through life experiences, some of us lose it through life experiences. Either way, with the right therapist then yes, he can develop it (he must have SOME empathy if he fixes your car, does things for you in general etc) but it is a core character trait. He will probably never become as connected to the feelings of others as you are op, but he can certainly improve, if he wants to. Have a look at the BACP website for a registered therapist in your area. Perhaps have a couple of sessions together initially (he might struggle to articulate what it is he wants to achieve) then let him crack on. Good luck xx

I agree with whoever said love languages

I’d say so much is good here
there is love
there is communication

but he’s made a certain way
you are made a certain way

he could certainly have therapy to help him process his past

but does he want to ? As if he doesn’t then it’s a waste of time !

im always wary of trying to change people

but personal growth is good

Isn't that just needy though? If you need something, tell him - "working together" just seems to imply person A is going to bore person b into submission by detailing their endless emotional requirements and then it becomes formulaic : fuck, she's crying again, better hug her. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had so many emotional needs that I was required to sit and discuss them.

I was going to query autism as well.

My father was like you describe and like your situation a combination of a very traumatic upbringing and likely autism meant he could not do emotion in himself (except outbursts of emotional dysregulation) or in others. Empathy is definitely a developmental stage in life too as well as in built so a traumatic start can obviously hamper that.

I also have two children with autism and we suspect DH has it too. They are fantastically emotionally expressive and DH who was more unemotional like you describe at the start of our relationship has be some very open to emotion and dealing with our family emotion and he is great at it now. We had a lot of the rationalising and dismissing and minimising same as you experience for a long time which was my own experience growing up as well so it actually hurt me a lot that DH did it too but he absolutely has learned along the way and doesn’t do that stuff at all anymore and I would go as far as saying that he really gets it now. He is very open to growing and learning as a person so that has really helped us.

I don't think it's needy to want your partner to be there for you in times of emotional upset, and I'm far from a needy person. I have asked him this question, and he also doesn't think I'm needy. I do tell him what I need, why I'm upset etc the issue is, as he himself admits, is he cannot process the idea of someone being upset or needing someone to be there for them outside of practical assistance in those situations.It's an emotion he has almost fully blocked out.

@Buildingthefuture

He does say he doesn't know how to articulate things. He doesn't also want to say the wrong thing because of course he then struggles with how to respond if someone gets even more upset.

Thank you!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Thank you for seeing that on the whole our relationship is great. I don't want to change DP as such but I think the fact he himself is open to trying to improve communication around emotions and upset is worth exploring. We want children and I am concerned about how he would handle my emotions through pregnancy and a child being upset and needing their daddy.

@Alibabasonethief

Thank you. This is really really helpful as we do want to try for children and how he would be able to handle the emotional needs of myself through pregnancy, and the potential risk of course of losing a pregnancy, as well as the emotional needs of children.

He is absolutely fantastic with kids in the family and he desperately wants to be a dad. My own father was also more practical than emotionally supportive but he did understand and there was balance in my upbringing and that is essentially where I would like us to be, just more balanced and DP feels the same.