Emotionally Unavailable partner. Therapy?

[albapunk]

Firstly I want to say my DP is hugely supportive, kind and treats me well. We generally have a great relationship and I come from a previously very very abusive relationship. If I thought for one second I was in another, I'd have been long gone.

The issue? DP really really struggles to understand, show or feel sympathy or empathy when I'm upset or struggling emotionally with something. He doesn't generally show concern in these situations, or even offer a hug and handhold. Essentially he comes across as being emotionally checked. Not ideal when he is the person I want in my time of need.

It's becoming a bit of a niggling issue in our relationship, and after a pretty big conversation about it, DP basically admitted that he just looks for practical solutions, keep calm and carry on etc and he struggles to feel empathy, or understand why I (or people in general in certain situations) get upset over things that to him seem trivial to him. He feels there is often much bigger issues going on in the world, or that people are worse off etc. I have explained how yes that is correct but it doesnt mean my (or others) upset isn't valid.

He grew up being heavily bullied by other children and even adults, with an abusive stepfather and a mum who adored him but couldn't escape until he was in his teens, he then joined one of the armed forces for many years, he even now works in a male domimated environment. I think this past has built a wall up, and pushed feelings to the side because if you don't feel, you can't be hurt or bullied any longer but it has also taken away his ability to grasp others feelings. He is mostly happier being on his own as he doesn't have many friends. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, struggles to make friends as his hobbies and lifestyle doesn't revolve around laddish banter and alcohol like a lot of his peers. He feels he has little in common with a lot of other men to make friends.

We spoke about therapy or counciling but neither of us have experience of this, and our relationship is excellent in every other aspect, so we aren't sure if this type of thing would be best done as a couple or with him going on his own. Is there other things he could look at?He is absolutely willing to try all options and avenues and accepts we need to work through this. He has expressed it does hurt him to think that he is unintentionally hurting my feelings but again, that he simply can't understand it.

Does anyone have any experience or advice that is similar to the situation we are in?Thank you!

You do want to change him though. You have a specific balance of practical and emotional support that you want from him, that isn't what he naturally provides.

I'm like your DP in that I immediately leap to practical support, and the idea of emotional support that doesn't fix the problem makes me feel very awkward and unnatural. If all I can offer is a hug rather than a fix, it feels pointless to me. I do understand that sometimes people do just want non-practical comfort but it's not how I'm wired. (When I complain about something it's rarely just for the sake of venting - I want help with a solution!) If my own partner demanded that I become more empathetic I would feel very uncomfortable.

That's not to say you're unreasonable - if you need a more overtly empathetic partner, then that's what you need. But it's not the partner you have. You have to either accept him as he is, including for what he can't give you as well as what he can give you - or you consider what he can't give you a deal-breaker. Both choices are valid but they're yours to make.

Also, don't confuse personal growth with asking someone's personality to change. We're all growing as people, hopefully, and we're all working on ourselves. But this has to come entirely from within and you can't put a timeframe on it and nor can you quantify it.

Some problems don’t have practical solutions though. I’m as rational as you get and self sufficient and not needy but there are many many human issues and experiences that future children and partners will experience that simply don’t have a rational answer grief and loss, break ups, getting over bullying, facing up to personal hurdles and limitations, etc etc and no amount of rational suggestions are going to fix them.

I'm like this too. An upset child I can handle. An upset adult I cannot. For something big like bereavement I can understand but someone upset about the more trivial issues in life are a struggle.

@gannett thank you.

Yes this is essentially what I would like him to grasp better, that life does have situation where practical solutions don't work. I'm not looking for him to drape me in cuddles and cry at my side, but at the very least to understand that emotional upset can be extremely valid and there is nothing that can rationally or practically be done, and just being there is enough.

By the way I do sympathise with what you want. As PP have said, the "man up" era/public school upbringing/armed forces mentality is all toxic masculinity and it's done such a number on so many men of that generation - I can only hope it's changed for good with young men now. Elements of my own upbringing definitely moulded me into someone uncomfortable with non-practical empathy. I don't think it's a great trait to have - but it feels very unchangeable. In terms of friendships I tend to be "the fun friend" rather than the shoulder to cry on. In terms of relationships, I'm lucky to have found someone who's also a bit of a cold fish in these ways but with whom I can still be vulnerable - we're on each other's level.

albapunk

well yes if he wants children with you
that’s a tumultuous time in terms of charged emotions
Oh yes !!

and much to be said for him making peace with some aspects before he’s dealing with a hormonal mama and a crying newborn xx