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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Young adult DD has come home for Christmas and it is a very bittersweet time for me

35 replies

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/12/2022 19:28

My dearest nearly 22 y/o girl, who lives 400 miles away, has come home for Christmas!

She got home late last night, about 11.30ish, after I'd gone to bed (her dad was up waiting for her). She couldn't wait til morning to see me so knocked on the bedroom door, came in, got on the bed and lay down next to me and put her head on my shoulder and we chatted for half an hour.

Obviously I loved it!! I love having her here.

But feel so so so so sad and disoriented that I never had anything remotely like this with my own family. I'm grateful she has those feelings towards us, she genuinely seems to want to be around us and was so looking forward to coming "home". I just can't relate to it as I had nothing comparable when I was a YA. Just wanted to leave home, never look back, spend the bare minimum amount of time with my parents. It's sort of revealing to me what I missed out on.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 20/12/2022 19:56

It's nice her Dad waited up for her. Not sure on the reason for posting as all sounds great really. Put your past sadness in the past and live in the present maybe? Instead of feeling bitter about your own experience and getting locked into unnecessary negative thinking, be proud that you haven't done the same treatment to your DD, but maybe watch out in case it creeps in as old learnt habits can die hard.

NewIdeasToday · 20/12/2022 19:56

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter. Rather than looking backwards I’d focus on what a great job you’ve done as a mum.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas break together.

OldFan · 20/12/2022 20:24

Put your past sadness in the past and live in the present maybe?

It's not always easy to do though. Otherwise no one would have emotions they didn't want to have, at least not for longer than a minute or something.

FluffyPJs · 20/12/2022 20:31

I totally understand your mixed emotions. I received a Christmas card in the post from my dad, literally just signed with his first name and his wife's name, he didn't write my name in it or write love or even from. He left when I was 3 and it was years before I saw him again. He's never said I love you, never hugged me. I see the relationship my son has with his dad/ my dh, and the relationship my dh has with his dad, and I'm jealous. But also so grateful that I was able to give my own child the father that I never had. I do feel sad at times and it's hard to leave it in the past, but I am trying. Try to focus on the positives of your relationship, you must have been/ still be a wonderful mum for her to enjoy your company so much.

Always4Brenner · 20/12/2022 20:34

I never had the best relationship either with those who brought me up after 13 I just wasn’t wanted. Enjoy your time now with your daughter, have a wonderful Christmas.

EthicalNonMahogany · 20/12/2022 20:36

Love and parent the child/YA in you that needs to heal, as you would parent your own lovely DD. Speak to your younger self and tell her she was loveable and now as a mum yourself you see all she did and what she missed, more clearly. Tell her you are proud of her for growing up so well. Imagine hugging her and telling her it's all ok. Welcome her to you now and celebrate yourself for how incredibly you've come through.

Welcome home, OP. xxx and Merry Christmas

5128gap · 20/12/2022 20:38

Its also bittersweet because its temporary. The pleasure of having her back brings with it the sadness that she will leave again. Its complicated and sometimes the feelings divert themselves to something else. I may be way off, but I often find myself feeling sad about the past when things are emotionally conflicting in the present.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/12/2022 20:38

Isn’t it interesting how experiencing our childrens childhood as their parent reveals reflections on our own childhood. This happens to me too.

sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

Gawdknows · 20/12/2022 20:41

I have an almost identical background to what you describe. I have a 3 year old DD who loves me, hugs me, & knows she can talk about anything to me, I hope it stays this way & I will always try my hardest to keep it so. I appreciate you're sad but you need to be fucking proud of yourself that you have moulded such an amazing relationship with your DD for the last 22 years. She will hopefully grow up always knowing she is loved & she's secure. That is my power, to make sure my daughter never feels the way I did growing up.

SweetSakura · 20/12/2022 20:42

How lovely that she feels like that. Well done for creating that despite your own experience

Windtunnel · 20/12/2022 20:54

That's beautiful OP! I've got a young adult dd too who does this and I never would have with my mum!! But don't you think family relationships, closeness, emotionality, saying I love you, and cuddling was different "in our day"?

Rotherweird · 20/12/2022 20:57

Beautiful post, @EthicalNonMahogany

pinneddownbytabbies · 20/12/2022 20:58

My dd still gets into bed with us on Christmas morning to open her stocking, and she's 23!

PotatoScone1 · 20/12/2022 20:59

Don’t ruin it with the navel gazing. Be present and enjoy it.

Amoreena · 20/12/2022 21:09

It's a big achievement to not repeat how you were brought up, which anyone can do, but to build a good relationship with your own kids when you never had that yourself. You should be very proud. Bringing up your own kids does bring back a lot of memories of your own childhood. That's normal and no one should insist you bury that and have a stiff upper lip about it. That does no one any good. Enjoy your time with your daughter

firstmummy2019 · 20/12/2022 21:10

Feel what you are feeling. Don't deny yourself to feel sad as long as it doesn't overwhelm you. I had a similar experience earlier today while dancing with my 10 month daughter in the front room. I was kissing her and telling her how much I loved her. Then I felt sad because I remembered how my mum was with me. No affection or kisses. Horrible names etc. I felt sad for a few moments . I felt it. I let myself feel the emotions. A tear came to my eye. I then let the sadness pass.
All the love that I didn't have from my parents as a child is being given back to me through my son and daughter. Sounds like the same for you. You will cherish it even more.

PacificallyRequested · 20/12/2022 21:16

Windtunnel · 20/12/2022 20:54

I agree with this. Unless there's some backstory about your family relationships OP, they were just different times.

Amoreena · 20/12/2022 21:17

EthicalNonMahogany · 20/12/2022 20:36

Welcome home, OP. xxx and Merry Christmas

Good post

georgarina · 20/12/2022 21:24

It was only in having my own children that I realised just how failed I was as a child. Be proud you gave your DD something better.

Original poster

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/12/2022 21:24

"I agree with this. Unless there's some backstory about your family relationships OP, they were just different times."

No. It's definitely not just a case of different times. I know plenty of people from my generation who adore their parents and want to spend time with them.

OP posts:

HaggisWurst · 20/12/2022 21:28

It's understandable, op. You sound like a great mum. I didn't have my dad around until I was 13 and even then it wasn't a typical father / daughter relationship. We chat now and it's all "ok" but I feel a warm kind of sadness sometimes when I see some of the amazing dads my friends have. My son is 2 and a half, and my husband was dancing him around the dining room earlier to Christmas songs. DS was grinning ear to ear and I just felt again that warm sadness that I never had that with my dad but such an overwhelming gratitude that my son has an amazing father.

NancyJoan · 20/12/2022 21:29

My DD and I are close like you two are. DH is close to her too, in a different way. They go to gigs together and have lots of daft jokes.

When I was 18, I left home and never looked back. Never spent another night in that house. No one ever really loved me like that, which makes for interesting times navigating my own DCs lives.

ohwhatadustyanswer · 20/12/2022 21:37

I find this (and other mumsnet posts about unloving parents) so hard to relate to as I adore my own parents and find it hard to be apart from them for long. I am late 30s with my own children and they are 60s. I would probably still wake them up to have a chat and hug in bed if I hadn’t seen them for a long time. Not helpful, I know.
Have you spoken to your parents about why wanted to get away from them?

Dweetfidilove · 20/12/2022 21:45

Everything @EthicalNonMahogany said.

Merry Christmas to you and the loving family you've created.

Fleurdaisy · 20/12/2022 21:58

Your past will always affect your present, in good ways and bad. I had a very cold childhood, my parents were neglectful and my mother told me when I was about 5 or 6 that I wasn’t the child she’d wanted. At times they were deliberately cruel.
It sounds to me as if you learnt from your parents errors and created a very warm and loving relationship with your child. Enjoy it, and just give a nod to the sadness in your past while patting yourself on the back for doing a great job.

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