Young adult DD has come home for Christmas and it is a very bittersweet time for me

[LindorDoubleChoc]

My dearest nearly 22 y/o girl, who lives 400 miles away, has come home for Christmas!

She got home late last night, about 11.30ish, after I'd gone to bed (her dad was up waiting for her). She couldn't wait til morning to see me so knocked on the bedroom door, came in, got on the bed and lay down next to me and put her head on my shoulder and we chatted for half an hour.

Obviously I loved it!! I love having her here.

But feel so so so so sad and disoriented that I never had anything remotely like this with my own family. I'm grateful she has those feelings towards us, she genuinely seems to want to be around us and was so looking forward to coming "home". I just can't relate to it as I had nothing comparable when I was a YA. Just wanted to leave home, never look back, spend the bare minimum amount of time with my parents. It's sort of revealing to me what I missed out on.

Similar position, I left home just before I was 18 and never had any desire to return to live at home although I did maintain a relationship with my parents.

I know my daughter wouldn't want to return to live here but once a month or so, we spend an evening together (either me at hers or her at mine). We open a few bottles and have been known to stay up until 6am 'putting the world to rights'. We don't agree on everything and allow for that without rancour (mostly). She is in her 40s now.

I am so proud of her - and of how we have both negotiated our adult relationship.

She will still occasionally call me for help, in her words, 'adulting'. It's usually more about being a sounding board though.

This is me too op. My relationship with my mother was strained at best. As a child I thought that was what mothers were like, but looking back, as an adult, I realise that Mum had children because 'that's what you did' she clothed and fed us, did crafts with us as children but I never felt loved, she rarely told us she loved us and I don't think she liked being a mother tbh. I left home at 17, she told me that once I'd left I couldn't come back, and I never went back. When I told her I was pregnant, the first thing she said was 'don't think im looking after it'.

I've got an amazing relationship with my dd and I love her more than life itself. But I can't help feeling I missed out on that kind of relationship with my own mother .

I understand OP. It is the grieving for the parenting/childhood that you never had. Sadness for what could have been, but wasn’t. Allow yourself time and space to acknowledge this, then drink in the love of your DD and let it heal you.

@LindorDoubleChoc Why do you think she chose to move 400 miles away? I did that when I felt no emotional attachment to my family. Within a couple of years my mum forged a relationship with me and I happened to move back to be a bit more local.

Keep being there for her and hopefully she'll move back nearer. x

@OldFan

errr maybe she moved for her career? Or to do a masters or whatever?

not everyone wants to live just round the corner from their parents no matter how lovely their relationship is

some people wanna spread their wings

I'm not looking forward to Christmas. I get on OK with my parents and love spending time with them. But they're both 80 soon and I'm sad that there probably won't be many more family Christmases like I've had for 50+ years 🥺

@LuckySantangelo35 Yeah I mean I moved for uni at first really, but a lot of people wouldn'tve gone that far away from family.

@OldFan

plenty do

@OldFan it's for a masters. She may only be there for a year but if she loves it in that city and chooses to stay - good for her! You don't measure how close you are to your family in physical miles.

That’s a lovely post. Merry Christmas x