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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I’ve just been catfished but to what end?

47 replies

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 20/12/2022 19:01

Nice looking guy on tinder, verified profile, chatted a bit, video called to check real etc.

then suddenly he deleted every message and disappeared, unmatched from me.

id sent a couple of pictures but nothing revealing, things were getting flirty but not sexual.

what do they get out of this? Feel like such an idiot

OP posts:

Tuilpmouse · 20/12/2022 20:27

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 20/12/2022 20:09

I hope your face wasn't in the photos.

Why? It's pretty normal on OLD to send photos that include your face... unless it's a dodgy site, people's faces are usually in their profiles anyway.

ButterflyOil · 20/12/2022 20:27

This is the thread - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4687135-dating-thread-236-swiping-blocking-and-video-calls

Mydogatemypurse · 20/12/2022 20:29

Married

ForestLilac · 20/12/2022 20:30

Not every man who deletes a chat is married, or partnered up, or a dickhead, and you’ve not had a ‘lucky escape’.

You had a video chat together and he wasn’t feeling it. He’s not flakey any more than the many many women on here who delete a chat are.

We women are allowed to change our minds after seeing a video or hearing a voice or indeed any reason whatsoever including no particular reason.

So are men.

I’m not sure why Mumsnet is slowly turning into a weird man hating space, but it’s been noted by other people on other threads I’ve seen so it’s not just me.

Some men on dating sites are shitheads. Some women on dating sites are shitheads. Most are just looking for the ‘spark’ and they move on if they don’t find it. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you OP, it just means that you weren’t a good match for each other. That’s okay isn’t it?

TulipCat · 20/12/2022 20:30

OLD is party a numbers game. Just move on to the next one, you will never know the reason unfortunately.

Nothing2lose · 20/12/2022 20:41

That is called “ghosting”.

Catfishing would be if he showed photos of himself perhaps young and handsome, then you turned up and he was much much older and looked nothing like his photos.

Calphurnia88 · 20/12/2022 20:44

We women are allowed to change our minds after seeing a video or hearing a voice or indeed any reason whatsoever including no particular reason.

So are men.

This.

Although you say he deleted all the messages... This is the only thing that sounds a bit odd to me. What do you mean by this?

purpledalmation · 20/12/2022 20:47

Could be he was talking to someone else at the same time and decided they were a better match, so deleted everyone else?

Fireflygal · 20/12/2022 20:47

You hadn't met him...likely hereunder someone else that he was interested in.

Would you have preferred to have had a 'sorry but you're not for me" rather than unmatch?

Best to learn from this is to not invest at all, until you meet.

Calphurnia88 · 20/12/2022 20:54

Best to learn from this is to not invest at all, until you meet.

This was one of the biggest lessons I learnt from OLD, and once I stopped investing it made the experience much more enjoyable/less stressful.

See also: don't fall into the trap of messaging loads before you meet. You can end up building a picture of a person that is very different to the one you actually meet.

Original poster

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 20/12/2022 20:57

Slightly loathe to feed this thread and have more people come in to tell me I’m wrong 😅

we were chatting on WhatsApp most of the day. Then he was talking about coffee, then next I looked half his messages were deleted, followed by the rest.

I guess that was what seemed sinister. If it was a normal ghosting he would have just blocked/unmatched. There were quite a few messages to delete

OP posts:

ForestLilac · 20/12/2022 20:59

He deleted the messages on the dating app or on WhatsApp?

Original poster

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 20/12/2022 21:00

On WhatsApp

systematically deleted them all

OP posts:

ForestLilac · 20/12/2022 21:05

When I delete messages for me, no one can see I’ve done that.

Has he deleted WhatsApp?

Original poster

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 20/12/2022 21:07

I guess he deleted for everyone?
It’s done now

i have learnt though that I’m still a bit too vulnerable and easily taken in.

OP posts:

category12 · 20/12/2022 21:14

He might have deleted because he has a partner/girlfriend whose suspicions were aroused.

I wouldn't worry too much.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 20/12/2022 21:16

Im interested in the deleting of messages thing cos once they have been delivered or definitely read by another person I cant delete them my end for 'everyone'. I need you to get back in touch with him to ask him how he did this if nothing else!

Calphurnia88 · 20/12/2022 21:24

Hmm. The fact he went through and individually deleted all the messages - so not just deleted from his phone, but deleted from your phone too - suggests that he really doesn't want them to be found, ever.

Married would be the obvious answer.

Or he's clueless about technology.

Either way this isn't normal behaviour. Don't let it put you off OLD.

Calphurnia88 · 20/12/2022 21:28

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 20/12/2022 21:16

I've just tried this myself (clearly having a wild Tuesday night) and I can still delete messages 'for everyone' for all messages sent since Sunday. Not Saturday.

So depends how long they've been messaging for.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 20/12/2022 21:38

I’ve had this a few times with men and I’ve done it to a few too. Sometimes there’s a reason and sometimes you just change your mind.

You don’t know what’s going in his mind, he could have work issues, felt he’s ready for a relationship but isn’t, and the easiest way is just to ghost or block and delete. Often it’s because you don’t want to go into endless explanations.

FahridaFaraho · 21/12/2022 09:33

He ghosted you and deleted because he isn't single.
Normal face showing clothed photos are not a big deal. There are loads of pictures of women online on social media everywhere. Ordinary women of every age and ethnicity. The internet is awash of people's faces.

Soph30363 · 05/04/2023 16:42

Catfished on Hinge.

I class myself as an intelligent and intuitive person however I’ve realized I’m not. I got speaking to a guy on hinge and it was going well - we exchanged pics (clean ones just of life etc). We then arranged to meet and on the night he apparently ‘fell asleep’. That was the end of that and I was really disappointed. We didn’t speak again. I deleted hinge and decided to forget it. I had this gut feeling then that something wasn’t right.

2 weeks later I went back onto hinge after persuasion from friends. Got talking to a couple of guys. He then pops up again with a new profile but different pics. We didn’t match. He then messages me on WhatsApp a few days later. What happened after that - I’m embarrassed to say I fell for.

We were chatting and he apologizes and says he would like to take me out. We arrange a date - I said ok but can we FaceTime first. Of course he says…..that never happened. The next day he tells me he is sick and in bed with flu and a chest infection - this is 5 days prior to the date. On the day of the date he can’t make it, it’s actually me who says you can’t go out like that. He then drops it and says he’s unwell and he has shunt in his brain. He then makes up a whole thing that he had to go to hospital. He has a scan and his shunt has moved and he has to go for surgery. Meanwhile I’m there feeling awful for this guy - I’ve even been sucked into the point of feeling worried about him. He was sending pics from hospital etc. Still no video call but at this point I thought that was fine.

in between him having the op, he also tells me his mum has been rushed to hospital. She’s unwell now too. The whole family is in crisis. He then goes for this supposed surgery. His supposed sister text me to say he’s ok. I asked him for a pic in hospital and he wouldn’t send one. I then asked for the ward and he said he didn’t know. I pretended I was in the area and was dropping something to the hospital and he got annoyed. I just knew. I then said I’ve called the hospital and you aren’t there. He said he was in another hospital but he wouldn’t say which one. Obviously rubbish.

When I say this out loud it sounds crazy. However I have so many pics of this guy. Selfies and other pics. Family pics. The detail he has gone into is crazy. I feel like he had taken on someone’s identity.

He has a Facebook but it’s completely private. I can’t find any other detail of him online. It’s just so weird.

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