Relationship with teenage daughter breaking down.

[HowDoIManageThisEffectively]

I'd really appreciate any suggestions on how to manage this. Please bear in mind that if I thought this was just 'normal teenage shit' I wouldn't be posting.

My daughter is 16. Of course, I love her. She's amazing and I'm incredibly proud of her. She's doing OK at school and seems to be happy there; she has a few friends but she rarely sees them outside of school and I'm not sure why; her dad and I separated 10 years ago - it's amicable and he recently remarried (she gets on well with her stepmum so no issues there) and we all speak respect of each other so no family dramas; she has a part time job; she has a lovely boyfriend who sees in school and once or twice a week outside of school; she has pets she cares for well and loves; she has a brilliant relationship with her brother who is 23 and moved out a coule of years ago. They speak almost daily, meet up and she sometimes stays the night at his. They're very close.

She doesn't have a perfect life and I'm not a perfect mother. Who is? But I prioritise her needs and do my best. We spend quality time together in the house but she refuses point blank to go anywhere with me or do anything with me. She is the same with her dad. On the rae occasions she does agree to something, she will refuse at the last minute to go and, tbh, when she does go, it's not always a pleasant experience because her anger is always bubbling under the surface.

The problem is this.

She is a very strong willed and independent character. She can be quite volatile. Over the past 6 months, this has become worse (although its been in her nature to be fiery since she was small - not criticising her, just being honest!)

We are at the point now where she experiences what i can only describe as unmanageable rages several times a day.

Things she has raged at me for over the past week include (but are not limited to) me asking her what her work rota for the following week is because her dad picks her up and drops her off but he is quite ill at the moment and I anticipated having to do some of the ferrying her to and from work; asking her if there was anything she wanted from the supermarket because I was going the following morning and asking her to pick up something from another aisle in the supermarket as we picked up snacks to take to her brothers to watch a film.

Her responses to anything and everything feel disproportionate. She will ask me a question, I answer it and she will immediately scream at me demanding to know why I'm angry with her.

She rewrites history. It feels very manipulative. And she is creating false narratives around her life amd it concerns that these will become her truth as time passes.

These rages are currently happening pretty much every time I speak to her about anything at the moment.

She accuses me of being, for example, neglectful, going out and getting drunk, leaving her on her own all the time. Leaving her to cook her own meals, not doing her laundry and generally not caring about her. She becomes really upset and angry about these things but the truth is, none of them are true. It can't even be a fear or her perception because they are so far from the truth. But she believes it and I know she talks to other people about it. I don't care what other people think but I do care if she ends up in therapy at 40 to deal with the trauma from a life that didn't exist anywhere other than inside her own head.

When she rages, she is not outwardly upset but I know there is something going on. She has moved in with her dad for the week ( he and I spoke and he invited her to provide a bit of respite). She is putting up a wall between us and the gulf is getting wider. I'm walking on eggshells when I speak to her - always planning what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it to avoid accidentally triggering a rage but it happens anyway.

I'm exhausted by it. She must be exhausted by it.

I'm concerned that there is something more serious going on but that I'm missing it because of the constant firefighting. I'm concerned I'm spending such time managing the individual rages that I don't have the capacity to see the bigger picture.

Has anyone experienced similar? I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried eveything I can think of.

I want to say (unhelpfully) this feels like “normal”
16 year old attitudes. But it’s been a while since I’ve been 16, but I related to some of the comments you’ve made.

But is there any possibility something more concerning is happening under the surface? Who would she usually confide in if there was a problem? Do you know any of her friends or would you feel comfortable casually digging for information with her boyfriend?

Another suggestion if you’re really concerned and possibly last resort is checking in with form tutor or pastoral care at school to see if everything is ok?

I want to reassure you that it will pass but I know this doesn’t help!

I’m not sure this is normal. Raging, yes, moodiness, yes. But the totally invented life where you’re leaving her unattended and getting drunk isn’t normal at all. It’s delusional if what you’re saying is true. Is it possible she’s suffering some kind of mental health issue?

Thanks for the replies. It's the rewriting history and creation of false narratives that concerns me the most and some of these underpin the rages.

It's an underlying mental health issue I'm worried about. But I don't even know where to go!

I've tried making GP appoints for both her and myself recently and haven't been able to. I know CAMHS is on its knees amd not able to help in cases where a child is seriously unwell. I will speak to pastoral support at school. I know she has seen them in the past and she has quite a good relationship with one of the staff.

I hope this is soon enough to not be considered a drip feed but we don't have contact with her grandmother because of childhood abuse I experienced. I've seen therapists to deal with it in the past and all have suggested she has a personality disorder.

I don't know if the propensity for developing one has a genetic component...

I'm just really worried about her.

But the totally invented life where you’re leaving her unattended and getting drunk isn’t normal at all. It’s delusional if what you’re saying is true

The truth is that, I go out to a hobby once a week for 2 hours. I'm always with her before I go and spend time with her when I get back. I've started going to yoga once a week (largely to help with the stress I feel 😕). I go out once a week at the weekend but usually drive so I don't drink. I rarely drink at home and never alone. She's never seen me drunk.

I do cook for her but the foods she is willing to eat have become smaller in number and now she won't even eat food from her approved list although she cooks for herself and I provide the ingredients she requires. She enjoys cooking and it's a bit of a hobby for her. I do her laundry. Sometimes she will put an extra wash on if she's forgotten something or she needs to do one and I don't. It's not a case of her asking me to and me refusing - she just does it.

It’s not you. It’s not your fault. Can you talk to her about how you feel? Have you got support?
I am so sorry about your own childhood.

Have you spoken to her Dad?

Thanks. Yes, her dad is really supportive and she's staying with him for this week. He's giving her respite which is what she needs.

It's not all directed at me - the other day she was furious because her dad said that, if she wanted to spend sometime with him on Christmas Day, just to let him know. He told her that I was ok with it - which is true.

She seems to be angry with everyone amd everything but the anger is directed at me and its exhausting. Her rages are scary tbh 😕

I'm wary of talking to her. I do try but she just maintains it's fault because of the way I am with her.

She also uses any vulnerabilities shown as ammunition so it's difficult to speak with her. She sends abusive messages to me from her bedroom eg throwing back things she knows of my relationship with my mum.

There's no reasoning with her. If I engage, it escalates; if I don't engage, it escalates. But these rages are happening multuple times a day now. And even asking her if she wants a drink can trigger one so talking doesn't really happen.

The restricting food thing is another red flag. I really would be pushing for a GP appointment.

Do you know what social media or forums she’s using? How much time does she spend online? My immediate thought is she might have gotten involved in mental health type ‘online support’ and be creating these scenarios in her mind until they become real to her as part of an online community.

The restricting food thing also makes me wonder if she’s gotten involved in pro eating disorder communities.

Has she lost weight? My dd is recovering from anorexia (wasn't particularly obvious for a while as she did eat but less than she needed, she only lost around half a stone in weight) but when she was ill her behaviour was very similar to your dds.

Also is she on contraception? Some contraceptives can really mess with teens mental health.

I hadn't considered that about the food thing tbh!

She's tiny. She has no weight concerns but I have wondered a couple of times of she's worried about putting weight on...

I suppose it hadnt occurred to me she might have read stuff online. It's difficult.

Thanks for the suggestion. I think I will have t push for a GP appointment. I've not been able to get one though even when I've said it was urgent.

Can you drop the rope a bit? You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
This is her anger. It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to hurt others with your anger.
It sounds like she can’t handle her feelings, and doesn’t understand why she is feeling angry, so she’s looking for a reason. That’s where you come in.
You have not caused her anger and you are not responsible for it.
Could you start a general conversation about feelings or is it all too precarious for that?
I have a similar daughter btw.

She's not on any contraception that I'm aware of. She and her boyfriend aren't sexually active. She is open about this and knows she could talk to me of this changes.

I think she's become quite controlled around food. She likes to bake and has done for a few years. But she never eats what she bakes.

Been there at 18 we still have rages. Sometimes it from from anxiety and they can't articulate what is going on.

It does improve. I found it easier to follow up on Text to clear the air

It's a bit precarious at the moment and she's staying at her dad's anyway. She's coming back Christmas Eve.

I'll speak with her after that.

Honestly, the more info you give, the more this sounds like eating disordered behaviour. There can be some really intense group communities online where people go to ‘support’ each other to lose weight - even specifically pro anorexia / bulimia ones (pro-ana, pro-mia etc).

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it.

Hmm it sounds like an eating disorder the more you say tbh, my dd was angry, irrational and delusional when she was restricting food.

Definitely get a Gp to look her over, they need to check her heart rate, bp, bloods and do an ecg. They may say her bmi is okay but in under 18s bmi is not an indicator of an eating disorder.

As I was reading your first post, I thought you could have been describing completely my 16 year old when she first developed anorexia. While some of this is normal teenage behaviour, the rage and attacks on you absolutely sounds like an eating disorder to me. Eating disorders have a profound effect on the brain and personality and the eating disorder will be rallying her to fight you in particular as the one closest to her and most likely to work out what’s going on and require her to get help. Based on your follow up posts about restricting food, you need to get her help and quickly.

Shit.

OK. Thanks. For those who suggested an eating disorder, did you go to the GP in the first instance?

The only thing is that her dad says she's eaten at his ok.

Eating disorders are very sneaky and the brain quickly tips into a deficit. I was reassured by my dd for a few months as she would eat dinner and biscuits in the evening but was barely eating anything else. She always managed around 1000 calories a day but was very ill mentally at this level.

Is it possible she's lost weight?

Yes GP first. Some are useless with eating disorders - ideally you’d go to one who has some experience dealing with these and will see the full picture, not just current BMI, and refer if needed. Really hoping for you it’s not an eating disorder and just an exceptionally grumpy teen! (Eating “ok” at her Dad’s doesn’t indicate one way or another, btw, as he’s less likely to have seen the overall restriction patterns you’ve described, and if she has an ED she’ll be wanting him to confirm to you she’s fine).

OP I recognise a lot of this in my daughter’s behaviour (17). It is so exhausting. My daughter uses me as a focus for her anger. I think a lot of teens are especially suffering from after effects of covid, being too reliant on SM for a start. I really wish I had controlled that more when I could. I am my daughter’s only stable and reliable parent. My ex was like a dad to her, then he left and returned to his own country. He had MH issues, but I don’t think she will remember that. I know she misses him though even 7 years later. She has an eating disorder that she is managing better now. She did get too thin, during last year. I was at my wits end. I also blame social media, INSTAGRAM is especially bad I think. And she has self harmed now and then, burning herself using straighteners etc. Thats all INSTA-shit too, its all out there. She refuses to engage with any help via GP or school. She laughs when confronted and doesn’t engage. I’ve already been through this type of thing with my other teens but this seems worse. We used to do things together like shopping and meals out on weekends. She won’t do this anymore. It’s so upsetting.
I’m just trying to remain constant and attempt to challenge where possible. But I have to say that I will be glad when she goes to Uni next Autumn. She is very very busy and not often at home or if she is she is tired and grumpy. I try to talk to her often, but she’s unreceptive and rude. My other daughter improved a lot after time away.

Also my relationship with my mum, that she has witnessed, has often been strained, because of unresolved family issues that go right back to my childhood. I have often been angry with my mum and she’s witnessed me being unkind though doesn’t understand why. I’m trying to sort this as my mum is getting on. I need counselling though.

With your daughter it sounds like she’s trying to guilt-trip you for going out!

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer with teens, covid, menopause, love life… all I can offer is sympathy and solidarity - this is really really tough.

People with EDs get very good at making it look that way - hiding food, mushing it up, vomiting etc.

She's definitely got something going on and the food stuff sounds concerning.

Is she this angry with anyone else apart from you and her dad? If not, this suggests she can control it - but she feels safe with you.

I agree that it's worth exploring if she has an eating disorder - baking then not eating what you bake is not normal, I don't think.

Good luck, op. It sounds very hard.