Relationship with teenage daughter breaking down.

[HowDoIManageThisEffectively]

I'd really appreciate any suggestions on how to manage this. Please bear in mind that if I thought this was just 'normal teenage shit' I wouldn't be posting.

My daughter is 16. Of course, I love her. She's amazing and I'm incredibly proud of her. She's doing OK at school and seems to be happy there; she has a few friends but she rarely sees them outside of school and I'm not sure why; her dad and I separated 10 years ago - it's amicable and he recently remarried (she gets on well with her stepmum so no issues there) and we all speak respect of each other so no family dramas; she has a part time job; she has a lovely boyfriend who sees in school and once or twice a week outside of school; she has pets she cares for well and loves; she has a brilliant relationship with her brother who is 23 and moved out a coule of years ago. They speak almost daily, meet up and she sometimes stays the night at his. They're very close.

She doesn't have a perfect life and I'm not a perfect mother. Who is? But I prioritise her needs and do my best. We spend quality time together in the house but she refuses point blank to go anywhere with me or do anything with me. She is the same with her dad. On the rae occasions she does agree to something, she will refuse at the last minute to go and, tbh, when she does go, it's not always a pleasant experience because her anger is always bubbling under the surface.

The problem is this.

She is a very strong willed and independent character. She can be quite volatile. Over the past 6 months, this has become worse (although its been in her nature to be fiery since she was small - not criticising her, just being honest!)

We are at the point now where she experiences what i can only describe as unmanageable rages several times a day.

Things she has raged at me for over the past week include (but are not limited to) me asking her what her work rota for the following week is because her dad picks her up and drops her off but he is quite ill at the moment and I anticipated having to do some of the ferrying her to and from work; asking her if there was anything she wanted from the supermarket because I was going the following morning and asking her to pick up something from another aisle in the supermarket as we picked up snacks to take to her brothers to watch a film.

Her responses to anything and everything feel disproportionate. She will ask me a question, I answer it and she will immediately scream at me demanding to know why I'm angry with her.

She rewrites history. It feels very manipulative. And she is creating false narratives around her life amd it concerns that these will become her truth as time passes.

These rages are currently happening pretty much every time I speak to her about anything at the moment.

She accuses me of being, for example, neglectful, going out and getting drunk, leaving her on her own all the time. Leaving her to cook her own meals, not doing her laundry and generally not caring about her. She becomes really upset and angry about these things but the truth is, none of them are true. It can't even be a fear or her perception because they are so far from the truth. But she believes it and I know she talks to other people about it. I don't care what other people think but I do care if she ends up in therapy at 40 to deal with the trauma from a life that didn't exist anywhere other than inside her own head.

When she rages, she is not outwardly upset but I know there is something going on. She has moved in with her dad for the week ( he and I spoke and he invited her to provide a bit of respite). She is putting up a wall between us and the gulf is getting wider. I'm walking on eggshells when I speak to her - always planning what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it to avoid accidentally triggering a rage but it happens anyway.

I'm exhausted by it. She must be exhausted by it.

I'm concerned that there is something more serious going on but that I'm missing it because of the constant firefighting. I'm concerned I'm spending such time managing the individual rages that I don't have the capacity to see the bigger picture.

Has anyone experienced similar? I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried eveything I can think of.

You say she's close with her brother. Have you talked to him about her? How did she behave around him? Does she tell him the lies about you? Has he ever seen her rages? Does she eat normally there?

i wouldn’t necessarily say she has an eating disorder but I think she sounds unhappy / anxious and is trying to gain control over some aspect of her life in some way. If there is a restriction in what she eats this may be it. I have done it myself when I am miserable. I stop eating meat. It’s the only control I can find in my life that I can control. I understand this now afterwards.

with regards to her behaviour towards you it’s very manipulative but she probably/ hopefully won’t even know but her saying you’re drinking (you’re allowed you’re an adult) and being neglectful is all made up. It’s making her again feel in control. I know thought from personal experience that this is awful to face. I tend to take notes when behaviour is really made up and I write note on circumstance so the next day I can rationalise why she may have made things up. It helps to process and document.

in my own experience I think there are usually other issues that cause this type of rude behaviour and it’s probably friendship problems. Insecurities they have about them self, stress of every day life and what they see on social media as everyone else being more perfect or having a better life than themselves. I don’t think covid has helped our teens.

i say all this facing similar issues. It’s relentless and constant.

Thank you for everyone's replies.

She eventually replied to the message i sent and we have been chatting, plus chats in the family group chat withe, her and her brother since yesterday morning.

It's all been really nice. Her dad called yesterday but Iussed it and he wasn't available to talk again.

She is still at her dad's and is staying at her brothers tomorrow night too. They're both coming round on Friday. Tbh, it's given both of us a much needed break from the negativity.

I spoke to her brother (can't remember if I said) amd he said that something stood out to him. He asked her what she did for fun and she had nothing. It's true. But this is partly because she stopped doing her hobbies over lockdown and didn't want to restart (for various reasons). She started a new hobby last January but then gave it up within weeks. She has withdrawn from many of her friends.

So I do think this post has hit on what might he the issue.

It's hard because she refuses to do anything but complains she doesn't do anything. She refuses to go anywhere with me but was upset recently that she and I don't do things together.

It's best summed up as

would you like to do X?
No
OK. Why not. I just don't want to do that
OK is there anything you would like to do?
Well I don't want to do this, that, the other etc
OK, well we won't do those things. Is there anything you would like to do
No!
OK...
you never do anything with me!

Replace 'do' with eat or anything else and the pattern is the same.

She's always had a tendency to he a bit like this but it's definitely got worse since lockdown.

I've bought her a journal anyway. It's got stuff in it about recognising who you are as a person, setting goals, aspirations, influences etc. I'm hoping we can use it together to perhaps make some positive changes.

It's just hard. I have hobbies so it's something she's seen and been around all her life. I play in a band. She won't come to gigs, even when her brother does or her friends have said they want to (eg at festivals where there are loads of other families/teenagers). Her cousin comes to stay every summer for a week. They get on brilliantly but this year, my niece and I ended up doing things on our own because she refused to come with us.

If we agree on a day when we are going to do something together, the most we end up doing is watching a film because she won't leave the house with me.

When these happen, she ends up just sitting at home on her own in her room. She won't give anything a chance.

And she's just so angry. She's clearly hurting. It's just so hard.

She will come through this @HowDoIManageThisEffectively. Few bumps along the way, but she will.

You know all that love you’ve poured into her? All those birthday cakes, all the little moments, all the times you’ve taken her pain, that’s not for nothing. It’s all in her. Have courage. Just keep doing what you are doing. GP is a good idea as well.