How do you move past anger of abusive childhood?

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When I was a child, I was sexually molested by my maternal grand father. He touched my genitals, and would hold me hard on his lap and rub me against his crotch.

My parents were young and divorced and I spent the majority of my time with my two sets of grandparents. All weekend with my dad’s (Fri-Sun) and many evenings at my mum’s parents after school and over night.

One day, after being incredibly upset at the prospect of being left at my maternal grand parents house for the night, I gathered the courage to tell my mum about the sexual abuse. She stated that if I was telling the truth, I needed to tell her mum. I did. They decided unanimously that I was dreaming it/ lying and my mum went out that night and left me there.

I realised in that moment, I had no choice but to ignore the issue too as no one was going to stop the abuse. (I knew I could have told my dad or his family but that would have caused absolute chaos. I simply wanted to not be left in that position anymore not police or social services or Court and the responsibility of it all).

I continued through teen and adult years as if it had never happened. It seemed to suit my mum. The abuse stopped before I became a teenager and I was able to suppress thoughts about it.

When I entered my early twenties the anger started being very difficult to ignore. One time I brought it up and I told my mum that I wasn’t lying or dreaming and she should have protected me. She replied that “It’s not like you were being raped”

Our relationship limped along until I had my children and I decided I did not trust her or want her to play a part in their lives. I started withdrawing. I had two full out rows with her in which I detailed this abuse as well as other instances of abuse which she never protected me from.

I am from a very large family with lots of cousins who I love very much. I have confided in one the reason for my NC with my mum. The rest have been told “she’s just not interested so I’m not pushing it”. I don’t know why I’m still protecting her and my grandad. My cousins think she’s amazing and it makes me so angry.

I won’t be able to tell them the real reason because I don’t think my mental health could sustain anyone else I care about either not caring or not believing me again.

How do I move past this?

I have no advice really as I've never been in this situation, didn't want to read and run.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm so sorry your mom didn't listen to you. as a mother I would cut all contact off and protect my child and this is what your mom should have done :(

Maybe try counselling if you haven't already? and just avoid all contact with grandad and mother. I really have no advice but hopefully my comment will bump this and someone can offer you some help and advice.

Thank you for replying.

I’m usually happy with just being no contact with them and batting off suggestions from family about going to visit her with the kids. Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas and I’m expecting an inevitable “Merry Christmas. I think about you every day. Send my love to the children” text message (while she’s hosting my grandad!)

I’m just so tempted to snap sometimes and tell my family exactly why I won’t be doing that. Only, I know I’d feel even more isolated and let down if I did.

i think you have done the right thing with your mum - it’s so tough she took that stance (for her she just couldn’t believe her precious father could do those things- awful though)

childhood trauma can really manifest later in adulthood in very deep ways - in our self esteem, confidence, and how we view relationships. For me it became something I thought more and more about when I became a parent (and in fact although my history is different to yours, my anger stirred up at that point as I knew I would never hurt my kids). I saw a therapist which really helped - just a weekly session helped me to understand the impact this stuff had on my inner thoughts and then reframe and move onwards.

could you try that?

I can only speak for myself but I would have found it difficult to move on myself without speaking to a professional because I wasn’t aware myself of how deep the trauma had impacted my thoughts, personality and self. I knew I was angry but thought I was otherwise generally unaffected. The therapist asked me the right questions to figure this stuff out and then reframe.

Yes I think therapy would help. I’ll look into it in the new year.

Sadly, I don’t think it’s her shining opinion of her dad that stopped her from intervening. He is a very sleazy, letchy man who women in the family avoid like the plague. I think it’s because inaction means things stay the same. She could continue to go out whenever she wanted and now inaction means she doesn’t have to face the fact she is complicit in my sexual abuse.

It’s nice to speak openly about it on here.
My brother knows but doesn’t like speaking about it.
One cousin knows but I don’t want it to be all we speak about.
My husband listens but feels helpless.

I'm so sorry I can't imagine how devastating that would be. I completely agree that therapy with a good therapist would help. Someone who is trauma informed and perhaps who can do EMDR therapy too, which helps you process intense emotions like the anger you're feeling. I've found EMDR extremely effective in reducing the distress I feel about traumatic memories.

Imo blocking your dm may help. I am nc with my dps after hitting adulthood and realised they were awful to me. No regrets.. She has no right to contact you at all op.

Thank you. I’ll definitely have a serious think about doing that

I am so sorry, OP. If one of my children confided in me that they were being sexually molested by a family member, I would absolutely hit the roof.

I think some people just aren't fit to be parents, but it's a good thing you were born and I am sure you make this world a better place and are a wonderful mother to your children.

That’s made me tear up! Thank you so much

Thats really fucking horrible and I'm so sorry your family failed you like this.

For a start I would seriously considering going NC with them all whilst you start working on yourself.

Get in touch with a therapist who deals with sexual abuse and really consider doing 'inner child work'. The theory is anything that traumatises us as children leaves a lasting effect on how we behave as adults and how we fix that and move on.

How to do the work by Dr Nicole LePera is a good start

Home coming - reclaiming and healing your inner child by John Bradshaw is a tough read but excellent, the previous author uses a lot of his work.

I don’t understand how some parents don’t protect their children. If I’m in a charitable frame of mind , I will put it down to anything from poor mental health as in benign neglect , to barking mad as in that nurse killing the babies. I would not be surprised if your mother had the same treatment from her father.
If I’m not feeling charitable, then I’m engulfed and paralysed with it all.
I would second some therapy, with the right therapist one can find some release and peace.

Excellent book suggestions. Thank you

Is it worth considering with a counsellor reporting his actions to the police and your mothers - it is absolutely not your fault but consider accountability and your voice being heard. This is what has happened not only were you abused, you weren’t believed, your mother left you to be abused over and over and not protect you. Personally you have been abused by multiple different people sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally and then when your abuse was declared your mother effectively said ‘so what’ and enabled your abuser to have access declaring you weren't worth being protected. They are disgusting.

would not be surprised if your mother had the same treatment from her father.

The “it’s not like you were raped” from her makes me ponder this too

Just remember that you don't have to 'get past' the anger. Its perfectly normal to be angry with people that facilitate child abuse. Its not your anger thats the problem, its their abuse.
You are not obliged to maintain a relationship with people that facilitate child abuse. Going no contact can be a big decision, so its a good idea to talk it over with people who have done it.

I recommend you see a BACP counsellor who specialises in working with adult survivors of childhood abuse, they can help you work through it. They often have a sliding scale for fees;
www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/using-our-therapist-directory/

Just remember that you don't have to 'get past' the anger.

Jesus. That’s taken my breath away. You’re absolutely right.

I feel the same way. I also frequently have those thoughts of wanting to expose the abusers for who they are- but I know it wouldn’t really give me the response I want or I would have done it years ago. They would have checked on me as a child. No one did, and they don’t care.

My chosen family do care. And they’re angry with me! So I breathe through the nonsense and then focus on what matters: my life now.

I think your angers is perfectly justifiable. Maybe accept that it is righteous

I had / have a similar situation with my dad. But my mum believed me. I've had 2 years therapy that helped. I accept I'll never get over it but I am learning to live with it and accept it. Some days are better than others. The thing that helps for me is knowing I can make active decisions about what I am prepared and not prepared to do. I now have control unlike then. I take the time I need to decide what is best for me and think through different scenarios about what will happen if I decide to tell people. Therapy should definitely help but it's helped me to learn to live with it not get over it. Hope it helps you too. "The body keeps the score" is the best book I've read to help understand myself too.

I can really empathise with you, OP. I had to do a lot of therapy, and sometimes I barely think about it. Sometimes it overwhelms me. It really depends. I've come to accept that there is no state of "being over it", as such, it ebbs and flows. Certainly having kids myself was a turning point that made it all come into much sharper focus re the adults behavior, and I am dreading my daughter turning 4/5/6 as I don't know how I will look at her and not see myself.

One thing my therapist said to me which helped me to understand my anger (I wondered why I couldn't just accept it had happened and move on), she said that often the actual act of abuse isn't what causes the lingering trauma. It is the response of those who are supposed to protect us. We're we believed and supported, or we're we told we were lying, disbelieved, ignored. If we were believed, did the adults do something about it or just rug sweep? Did we even have anyone safe enough to confide in at all? That is a major part of my anger and trauma today, rather than just the actual act of abuse. Sorry if that seems obvious, but it wasn't to me and I found it quite helpful.

I won’t be able to tell them the real reason because I don’t think my mental health could sustain anyone else I care about either not caring or not believing me again

OK, I think that your mental health will improve via telling them the truth, conversely to what you think. Your mental health have become delicate because you were being told to silence yourself as a child. Other people were telling you to silence important truths that kept you in danger of repeat abuse: this is very damaging for mental health. But what you're doing now is continuing to be silenced, but you are the one who is the authority, telling you to shut up, when actually, it's very clear to you that you need to scream the truth as loud as you can.

Obviously, screaming the truth isn't the wisest way forward, but listen to what the need to do that is telling you: you have a voice, and you want to use it. You have a heart, and it is hurt and needs to be nurtured. You need to respect your hurt heart, and tell the truth. You need to pick the right place and the right people to tell the truth to. It might be that telling your family will be too disruptive for you: but you've told us, and that felt better. You can write down everything that upsets/angers you in a pad, and burn it if you're scared someone will find it. You can talk to a friend or therapist, or talk more on here. You can find online forums for adult survivors of abuse. Find any way you can to get your feelings heard, in any way that feels safe to you. This will be utterly self-respecting: respecting your own need to speak, and your desire to be heard. Once this process starts (and it already has, with this thread, and you already feel a little better), your mental health will start to recover.

Self respect will support you where your family haven't. You're an adult, so it's your job to support you, now. Good luck, and I'm sorry for your bad luck earlier in life. Your feelings are valid, and deserve to be heard.

Yes this is exactly it!
The abuse itself isn’t the thing that enrages me. It’s the lack of action on my mum’s part and then the audacity she has bleating to family members and her friends about her mean daughter who spitefully keeps her grandchildren away from her.

From the outside, it looks like I was fine with her until I had children so I understand people giving their opinions “There are two sides to every story”, “your mum has always been so good to me so I don’t really understand it”, “your mum really misses the kids”

It’s just enraging that she gets to be the victim while I’m a spiteful aggressor.

A family member overheard my mum’s friends speaking in the local pub about how horrible her family are to her (I think it might have been directed at me but the family member was saving my feelings and being vague) and what a wonderful person she is.

It’s momentarily infuriating but then I think, so what? Some of her mates think I’m a horrible person? I can live with that. My kids are happy and healthy and safe so what else matters?

I get it. It does matter, though, doesn't it? Because this is just yet another time where your Mum makes you a liar and a bad person in order to make her own life easier. She can convince herself and everyone around her that she is the innocent party and therefore has no need to do any introspection. You've been thrown under a bus to protect her ego. In a "normal" person they would be able to handle a moderate level of shame that would allow them to see that they had played a role in their daughter being angry with them. Maybe they wouldn't agree with everything, but they could look at it holistically and see they had played a part, and then they could work towards reconciliation. Your mum cant handle even the smallest amount of shame, it would be too threatening, so has to make you the bad guy, the liar, and has to make sure others are on her side to reinforce this. The other people are important in this dynamic. Without them on her side she would feel shame ("what must others think of me?"), and that can't be allowed. I'm sorry. I have this dynamic in my own family. It doesn't get better, and the only way I can manage it is by very, very, very low contact. I wish it was NC, and one day it probably will be, but I just struggle to make that last step.