How do you move past anger of abusive childhood?

[Namechangeforthesake]

When I was a child, I was sexually molested by my maternal grand father. He touched my genitals, and would hold me hard on his lap and rub me against his crotch.

My parents were young and divorced and I spent the majority of my time with my two sets of grandparents. All weekend with my dad’s (Fri-Sun) and many evenings at my mum’s parents after school and over night.

One day, after being incredibly upset at the prospect of being left at my maternal grand parents house for the night, I gathered the courage to tell my mum about the sexual abuse. She stated that if I was telling the truth, I needed to tell her mum. I did. They decided unanimously that I was dreaming it/ lying and my mum went out that night and left me there.

I realised in that moment, I had no choice but to ignore the issue too as no one was going to stop the abuse. (I knew I could have told my dad or his family but that would have caused absolute chaos. I simply wanted to not be left in that position anymore not police or social services or Court and the responsibility of it all).

I continued through teen and adult years as if it had never happened. It seemed to suit my mum. The abuse stopped before I became a teenager and I was able to suppress thoughts about it.

When I entered my early twenties the anger started being very difficult to ignore. One time I brought it up and I told my mum that I wasn’t lying or dreaming and she should have protected me. She replied that “It’s not like you were being raped”

Our relationship limped along until I had my children and I decided I did not trust her or want her to play a part in their lives. I started withdrawing. I had two full out rows with her in which I detailed this abuse as well as other instances of abuse which she never protected me from.

I am from a very large family with lots of cousins who I love very much. I have confided in one the reason for my NC with my mum. The rest have been told “she’s just not interested so I’m not pushing it”. I don’t know why I’m still protecting her and my grandad. My cousins think she’s amazing and it makes me so angry.

I won’t be able to tell them the real reason because I don’t think my mental health could sustain anyone else I care about either not caring or not believing me again.

How do I move past this?

You’re making feel so understood! Thank you so much

Do any of your cousins/ siblings have children? Are any of those children allowed to spend time with your grandfather now? Are they at risk from him? I think it's worth sharing your story with the parents of the children who still see him so that they can protect their children.

@Eatingjumper and @Watchkeys have this spot on.

On the one hand you are battling someone who is defending the undefendable and families will go along with the route of least resistance otherwise they would have to examine their dirty linen. Someone would need to be held to account which will upset the fragile structure and could result in life-changing actions. It's far easier to scapegoat you whatever the cost to your mental health.

But as @Watchkeys says there is value to you in being honest, part of the stink of this is having to hide your truth from the world, to come up with excuses for not wanting to be around the perpetrator, the frustration of bottling it up.

I got to the point of exposing my mother's behaviour to the rest of the family, her promiscuity, selfishness and neglect of her children. Of course it was denied and me painted as being 'mad' but I didn't care. I didn't have any expectations of change or remorse. The family are seriously messed up. I'm not.

My mental health immediately improved by getting it out there. I was free of the burden of keeping her dirty secrets. All three of her children are NC with her. It's up to her to explain why. The idiots that believe her are of no consequence to me. I know what happened.

No. No children are at risk of him. He’s practically a breathing corpse.

I had a lovely Christmas and Boxing Day,
then got the dreaded text on Boxing Day night.
I ignored it but I’m still stewing over it.

I haven’t blocked her because I obviously have some scrap of hope that one day I’ll get a proper apology, not just “I did my best” and she’ll acknowledge the abuse she invited into and allowed into my life through my grandad and a very angry and controlling, alcohol and drug fuelled stepfather.

That’s not going to happen though is it?

I should just block.

Do I send her a message explaining why? Or just do it? A link to this thread?

I wrote a short letter stating that I was going to stop contact with her and why. I did that for myself, because I needed a 'cut off point'. Fading out gradually wasn't going to work. I knew it would make her angry and defensive, and I got a long letter in reply, full of defensive comments and vague counter accusations. But she didn't answer anything I had said. I know I'll never get an apology, I've accepted that. I just needed to draw a line under that part of my life, let go of the hope of any reconciliation, and move on.