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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why are so many people so deceitful?

34 replies

Anon778833 · 20/12/2022 04:47

About 6 months ago, a guy that I dated for a few months bumped into me in my local waitrose. Over that time, he has been texting and calling me nearly every day, inviting me out and to watch films at his house. And telling me he's 'campaigning for another chance'. I said that we could get to know each other better. And then we'll see.

Anyway, after the last time I met up with him I just got this strange feeling that he might not be single. So I did some digging and found out that he's engaged and has been living with someone for at least a year!! He would go on holidays and send me about 40 pictures and crop her out of them all!! He would remove all traces of her from his house when I was there.

Why are so many men such liars? I've blocked him after telling him in no uncertain terms that he's awful. His gf is a nurse and he would arrange to meet up with me whilst she was at work on night shifts:

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 05:10

People lie for actuality a few reasons. They are looking to gain for their deception or they are hoping to deflect with their deception.

People lie and he lied.

It is wasted time and energy to try to sue out why. That energy is better spent on you and your healing.

I am sorry you were lied to. I am sorry you had to tangle with a trash person.

It might be time to focus less on the “why” and more on the “what”… what are you going to do moving forward?

He is a throwaway you know. His words and actions were all fake. It’s up to you to accept your value and to walk away, go absolutely no contact, and to look for those who never leave you guessing.

again, I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this.

PS you bring up him asking for another chance. I wonder what that was about. I also wonder if you understand boundaries and that if yours were crossed you need to cut ties no matter what. It feels like you’ve been let down by someone who has let you down before. You need to raise your bar.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 20/12/2022 05:23

I'm feeling more sensitive than usual because I also found out in the last month that a person who I thought was a good friend for the last 16 years is actually a pathological liar.

Because of my autism, I think I'm easily manipulated by other people. Because I lack the ability to foresee what someone's motivation is.

The reason I ended things with him the first time was because I found him to be a bit of an emotional drain on me.

OP posts:
changedd · 20/12/2022 06:12

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I've always been a people pleaser... I've started implementing boundaries, stop doing all the giving, listening and never saying no to, my "friend" has now started to ghost me. (New relationship)

My best friend asked me to loan her £1000 out of my criminal injury claim and no intention of paying me back it seemed.

As I needed the money and didn't think I'd get it back I let my family member takeover trying to get it back (took over 2+ years)

Her and her boyfriend sent me a message full of abuse and how I'm in the wrong... so don't speak now.

Any advice or this would be great!

I am in the wrong? Or am I now no use to friends that want to a doormat?

curiouslycinnamon · 20/12/2022 06:17

I agree with @JustKittenAround really.

You can never fully understand why other people do what they do, because you don't live in their head. Sometimes trying to work it out can be very draining for your emotional/ mental health.

What would you gain from knowing his thoughts? He still did it, and it was still awful. Whatever his reason, you still have to deal with the fallout on yourself.

He did what he did, so what's the best thing you can do now to help yourself feel better and move on from this?

curiouslycinnamon · 20/12/2022 06:18

@changedd I think you would get better replies if you start a separate thread for your question

KangarooKenny · 20/12/2022 06:58

changedd · 20/12/2022 06:12

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I've always been a people pleaser... I've started implementing boundaries, stop doing all the giving, listening and never saying no to, my "friend" has now started to ghost me. (New relationship)

My best friend asked me to loan her £1000 out of my criminal injury claim and no intention of paying me back it seemed.

As I needed the money and didn't think I'd get it back I let my family member takeover trying to get it back (took over 2+ years)

Her and her boyfriend sent me a message full of abuse and how I'm in the wrong... so don't speak now.

Any advice or this would be great!

I am in the wrong? Or am I now no use to friends that want to a doormat?

Its rude to jump on someone thread. I suggest you get this post removed and start your own.

changedd · 20/12/2022 06:59

curiouslycinnamon · 20/12/2022 06:18

@changedd I think you would get better replies if you start a separate thread for your question

I'm so sorry it was my first post and couldn't see how to delete it.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 07:19

OP it could a lot of things but unfortunately people get lied to. I’m not autistic but in my past I’ve been lied to and allowed it and on and on.

whatever the reason you need to decide what you are going to do now.

what are you going to do now that you know you’ve been lied to?

why doesn’t even matter until you’re operating from a place of safety. Believe it. #1 is to make sure you cut off liars.

liars stay lying. They do it for reasons but often it’s the most base. What matters isn’t the reasons!!!!! What maters is your ability to cut that bullshit out of your life.

dint seek to understand it. Seek first to protect yourself. You know whats up now, don’t bring pain upon yourself.

KangarooKenny · 20/12/2022 07:31

changedd · 20/12/2022 06:59

I'm so sorry it was my first post and couldn't see how to delete it.

Show quote history

Click ‘report’ at the bottom, and in the ‘comments’ ask for it to be deleted.

KangarooKenny · 20/12/2022 07:32

People are deceitful because 9 times out of 10 they get away with it, and they have very low morals.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 07:48

KangarooKenny · 20/12/2022 07:32

People are deceitful because 9 times out of 10 they get away with it, and they have very low morals.

It’s low morals coupled with some sort of gain.

people lie to gain or cheat

people lie because they feel they are boring and want to seek interesting

people lie for attention

people lie to not have to deal with the truth

people lie to protect the feelings of others ;misguided and its really lying so they that they are saved the hard conversation)

We have all lied. There are reasons but reasons don’t mean it’s acceptable. Especially in this instance.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 20/12/2022 08:00

It's the way that he sees himself and presented himself as someone who feels it's important to do the right thing(!)

I think it takes a certain depth of deceit to be living with someone and invite women round to your house and misrepresent yourself as single.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 08:10

Anon778833 · 20/12/2022 08:00

It's the way that he sees himself and presented himself as someone who feels it's important to do the right thing(!)

I think it takes a certain depth of deceit to be living with someone and invite women round to your house and misrepresent yourself as single.

It does.

Now you have seen him for what he is it’s time for you to decide what you’re going to do about it.

are you going to dwell on WHY? Are you going to wonder at the wherefores?

OR are you going to accept what you know and get moving on your next chapter? This is hard as hell but it needs to be done and the earlier the better

he LIED. That’s it. Don’t take this crap because it’ll never end. The more you take it the more you give your permission.

WHY doesn’t matter as much as HOW you’re going to deal with this and WHAT you are going to do.

curiouslycinnamon · 20/12/2022 08:29

@JustKittenAround is right OP. There is really no point in dwelling on this. The truth is you'll never know.

Maybe have some counselling so that you can get it off your chest. But at some point you will need to put it down to experience and move on, for your own sake.

Greenfairydust · 20/12/2022 09:16

If I were you I would find a way to warn his girlfriend too about what he is really like.

People like him deserve to get found out...

Original poster
Anon778833 · 20/12/2022 09:40

I'm dwelling on the fact that a lot of people in my life turn out to be wolves in sheep's clothing. As far as he goes, he's blocked on all platforms. So I'm not disagreeing with what you say. I'm just starting to feel that maybe most people think it's ok to tell black lies.

OP posts:
coolcahuna · 20/12/2022 21:47

This happened to me this summer. An old flame got back in touch and about 4 months in , I found out he had a girlfriend the whole time. Was so shocked! I did actually tell her and he's done it before, she's stayed with him!

Totally shocking especially as he got back in touch with me. No idea on the motive...attention or excitement but I've cut him off on everything and given myself my own closure.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 22:26

Anon778833 · 20/12/2022 09:40

I'm dwelling on the fact that a lot of people in my life turn out to be wolves in sheep's clothing. As far as he goes, he's blocked on all platforms. So I'm not disagreeing with what you say. I'm just starting to feel that maybe most people think it's ok to tell black lies.

It’s important to understand that it’s perfectly ok to be wary of people and to not trust them right away. Often people trust until they find a reason it to, and that’s not always the best way.

With relationships I think it’s better to build trust and let people earn the ability to access you and your inner self.

I am no blaming you at all, however this may be a sign that you should have more boundaries and protect yourself a bit more. Maybe it isn’t. I just thought I’d reach out to say that.

Because the world is full of good and bad people and some in between. The one thing you can do is protect yourself and make it harder for bad people to get any footing in your life.

it won’t protect you 100% but it will be effective. I work on this as well and I find my life and those who are in it have dramatically improved once I started to let people build trust and didn’t hand it to them on a platter.

I am glad you have blocked him. He is a trash and while it hurts now, I PROMISE that in time you will look back and be stronger for this.

I hope you’re feeling a a bit better OP!!!

Niblo · 21/12/2022 01:43

What he did is disgusting, did you tell his partner?. The more people like this get away with it the easier it becomes for them.

Hope you are okay

Original poster
Anon778833 · 21/12/2022 03:35

Because the world is full of good and bad people and some in between. The one thing you can do is protect yourself and make it harder for bad people to get any footing in your life.

Yes, I completely agree. I don't know how to make it harder for people, that's the thing. Clearly, I need to have a different way of protecting myself when I meet someone and I need to learn how to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 21/12/2022 03:37

Niblo · 21/12/2022 01:43

What he did is disgusting, did you tell his partner?. The more people like this get away with it the easier it becomes for them.

Hope you are okay

Yes, after thinking about it I did reach out to his partner with evidence of all the messages he's been sending me and the lies about who he is with. I don't know what she'll do because I don't know her. But if she does choose to stay with him, at least it is from a position of being informed about who he is and what he's capable of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 21/12/2022 03:39

coolcahuna · 20/12/2022 21:47

This happened to me this summer. An old flame got back in touch and about 4 months in , I found out he had a girlfriend the whole time. Was so shocked! I did actually tell her and he's done it before, she's stayed with him!

Totally shocking especially as he got back in touch with me. No idea on the motive...attention or excitement but I've cut him off on everything and given myself my own closure.

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, as well. I think people deserve to know when they've been cheated on. I would 100% want to know.

OP posts:
coolcahuna · 21/12/2022 23:24

Anon778833 · 21/12/2022 03:39

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, as well. I think people deserve to know when they've been cheated on. I would 100% want to know.

Show quote history

I was feeling dreadful about it but she was very much 'oh here's another one,he's done it again and asked me if I was planning to continue! So obviously a pattern that she knows about and is willing to accept. She blocked me pretty quickly. Then he messaged me jn a rage and I blocked him . It was all done and dusted in about 20 mins but left me reeling for a while.Confused

Suprima · 21/12/2022 23:52

the facts that he never took you on a date and invited you to watch ‘films at his house’ like you were a takeaway pizza getting delivered should have been immediate red flags

men are generally quite awful, and they aren’t very good at hiding it. You just need to be a bit better at seeing it.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 22/12/2022 10:22

Suprima · 21/12/2022 23:52

the facts that he never took you on a date and invited you to watch ‘films at his house’ like you were a takeaway pizza getting delivered should have been immediate red flags

men are generally quite awful, and they aren’t very good at hiding it. You just need to be a bit better at seeing it.

No, he's been nagging me to go to the cinema with him and even a pantomime of all things. I was happy to not go out because I don't like going out. He just thought she wouldn't find out because he thought she didn't know anyone in our town.

OP posts: