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Original poster

How often should separated dads see their children

45 replies

Jewel7 · 19/12/2022 23:09

I know this is different for everyone but I was married a long time. So new to this. Kids are really missing their dad. He has them alternate weekends and sometimes pops by in the week but not often. They are really missing him and feeling let down. I know it’s a tough juggle but it’s not really working. I thought we would be Parenting together but I feel like the few days a month he has them doesn’t really compare…

OP posts:
JustBkind · 19/12/2022 23:10

As much as they possibly can! But appreciate this isn’t always doable on both sides. Just do the right thing by the children whatever decision you come to.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/12/2022 23:50

I’ve recently separated, my ex has the kids two overnights a week (so I can work) and every other weekend. It works out around 60/40, he lives nearby so it’s easy enough. It works out to be a good balance I think.

BungleandGeorge · 20/12/2022 00:03

Unfortunately you can’t force him to be more involved though? Presumably he’s choosing not to see them much during the week

Original poster
Jewel7 · 20/12/2022 00:07

He seems to have put work first and has moved 40 minutes drive away. So not really on hand. The weekend he has them I’m working the whole time. I’ve tried discussing him being nearer/more involved but we will see.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 20/12/2022 00:13

Unfortunately you just can't force them.

My DS only saw his dad EOW, very very rarely anymore - he's now an adult and he's had one holiday (5 days) with his Dad. That was just the way it was, sadly they never really developed an amazing relationship, so when his Dad decided to give DS the decision over when to see him - he was about 15 - it really showed that there was no huge desire either way. They get on fine now, but go months without seeing each other. I'm sure if Ex had made more of an effort when he was little, things would be better now.

Talon01 · 20/12/2022 06:57

Every other weekend with the odd mid week is pretty common when the Dad works full time.

Have you spoken to him and do you know if it's what he wants in terms of time with the kids.

wheresmymojo · 20/12/2022 07:20

Personally I think any good parent should want to find a way to have them 50% of them time, working or not.

Plenty of single mothers work full time. Mine did and she had me 100%.

EOW is a cop out IMO. It's like the absolute minimum required that allows him to feel like he's still a 'Dad' and hasn't abandoned them.

Putting work first isn't an option. What would he do if you decided to put work first too?

WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie · 20/12/2022 07:25

My ex had the DC every Sunday. Then he decided Saturday was more convenient, but not until after lunch so could I feed them. He cancelled whenever something else came up.
Then his wife banned them from the house for a couple of years. They were getting back on track.
Then lockdown happened and he told them he wasn't allowed to see them because Boris made it illegal.
Now they see him every few months. But that's all.

I worked/studied full time through most of that. He's been unemployed for years. If I asked him to help he said if I couldn't manage he'd apply for custody. Hmm

wheresmymojo · 20/12/2022 07:25

familyissues12345 · 20/12/2022 00:13

Unfortunately you just can't force them.

My DS only saw his dad EOW, very very rarely anymore - he's now an adult and he's had one holiday (5 days) with his Dad. That was just the way it was, sadly they never really developed an amazing relationship, so when his Dad decided to give DS the decision over when to see him - he was about 15 - it really showed that there was no huge desire either way. They get on fine now, but go months without seeing each other. I'm sure if Ex had made more of an effort when he was little, things would be better now.

I would gently try to point out how the DC feel and that this (PP quoted) is what often happens with EOW Dads. I'd make it clear that you're only planning to have this one conversation about it with him because it's of such critical importance to the DC but that it's not really your place to get involved in this any further so it will be up to him how he decides to move forward.

At the end of the day you can't make him want to be a better father sadly.

It's very sad for your DC but you can't take on trying to 'fix' that for them as other than having one, non-emotional, coming-from-the-best-place discussion about it with him it's better for you to focus on what is in your control - that your DC know that they have a loving, stable and secure home with you irrespective of what happens with their father.

Tuilpmouse · 20/12/2022 07:30

Jewel7 · 20/12/2022 00:07

He seems to have put work first and has moved 40 minutes drive away. So not really on hand. The weekend he has them I’m working the whole time. I’ve tried discussing him being nearer/more involved but we will see.

A 40 minute drive isn't perfect but it really shouldn't be far enough to make any significant difference to the amount of parenting he does, if he chooses. It's the distance of a typical commute to work each day for many people.

MintJulia · 20/12/2022 07:31

I'm a single mum and I have always worked full time. This meant choosing work that was in the right place with the right hours. or where good childcare was available and affordable. DS's needs are a fundamental part of determining which jobs I apply for.

If you can find a man who puts his children before money, status, new woman and a better BMW, I suspect your marriage wouldn't have failed in the first place.

It's depressing but you can't force your ex if he can't be bothered. All you can do, is hold him to the hours he sees DCs, and not let him slide if at all possible. And don't be bitter in front of DCs. 🙁

Figgypudding123 · 20/12/2022 07:36

When my parents divorced I saw my Dad every weekend and the occasional night midweek. Worked well as an arrangement.

Gastropod · 20/12/2022 07:38

50/50, unless there's some specific reason why the father - or indeed mother - should not take on half the childcare. By that I mean a history of abuse, negligence, or some other clear inability or incapacity to look after the children.

I live in a country where 50/50 is the norm, and the starting point for divorce negotiations. There is no 'automatic' right or assumption that the mother will take on more childcare than the father, unless the children are still very young/breastfeeding. This strikes me as reasonable, and normal.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 20/12/2022 07:44

My current DP has his kids every second night or they do two nights with him and two nights with his ex etc. They co parent really well.

My own dc see their 'dad' abut 6 times a year for about 6 hours at a time. He materialises at Easter, Birthdays, Halloween, Christmas and then 2 or three times a year he will see them ad hoc. He lives down the road with his new partner and kids. He is a twat.

waterSpider · 20/12/2022 07:46

"How often should separated dads see their children"

OK. But maybe better phrased as "How often should kids see their separated dads"

liarliarshortsonfire · 20/12/2022 08:09

Ideally 50/50 but if he's moved away from you and the schools it'll be difficult. My dh wouldn't have the dc other than eow when they were young and impacted his ability to date and work. It's only now they are teens and more self sufficient he sees them more

80s · 20/12/2022 08:19

My dp lives 40 minutes away from me and we see each other every weekend and once in the week; 40 minutes is not that long at all.

My parents divorced when I was small and my mum moved 3 hours away. I just saw my dad in the holidays. When I grew up I moved abroad, and live abroad still. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I did not have strong family roots. I get on fine with my parents when we do meet up, but we don't have much contact.

maybe better phrased as "How often should kids see their separated dads"
Why?

ElfDragon · 20/12/2022 08:26

It’s better phrased as how often should children see their dads because it is the children who have the rights. The right to a relationship with their parent. The parent does not have rights, only responsibilities (this is how it was explained to me by my solicitor). It is the parents’ responsibility to meet the needs of their children.

80s · 20/12/2022 08:33

Children should be able to see their parents if they want, yes. But parents should reach out to their children, actively showing them that they are wanted. Parents should at least ask if they can visit their children, rather than simply not visiting them.

MsJuniper · 20/12/2022 08:37

I would suggest that what is needed most is reliability. If he pops in "sometimes" that will be creating hope and disappointment cycles. A regular weekday evening, or an extra day a fortnight, or nothing at all in between the weekends. At least the children know where they stand then.

Sort out Christmas, birthdays and holidays well in advance too.

ElfDragon · 20/12/2022 08:39

Of course parents should be showing their children they are actively wanted. But you can’t force someone to be engaged if they don’t want to be.

Having the children as the central focus, and working on what is best for them, is how it should be. And that doesn’t mean forcing them to see an unengaged and disinterested parent because that parent is suddenly interested in their (parents) “rights”

SpinningFloppa · 20/12/2022 08:40

Well my kids haven’t seen their “father” in 2 years 😏

but back to the main question. It’s down to what you both want, I’ve seen people complaining their ex sees their child too much 🤷‍♀️

GoodnightJude1 · 20/12/2022 08:45

My DC 12 & 15 see their dad 2 evenings a week (not overnight) and every other weekend. He’ll quite often have DS more if there’s a football match they’re going to watch. Aside from his inability to grow up and endless annoying habits, he is a very good dad.

Rockingchai · 20/12/2022 08:45

Every other weekend sounds like a dream arrangement to me. My ex will see my son for about three hours a fortnight. That is more than he used to see him. He went for about a year of barely seeing him at all. Their relationship is really damaged now. My son (10) has started to resist seeing him at all. He gets anxious. There is not a secure relationship at all. It’s very sad.

80s · 20/12/2022 08:54

But you can’t force someone to be engaged if they don’t want to be.
No, alas. But in cases like this, where the children would like to see him more, I think there are a few things you can do to at least try to encourage him.

Agree with MrsJuniper that a regular arrangement is good for the children, but I think a routine can also be good for the absent parent. Regular phone/video calls too, perhaps, to avoid the "out of sight, out of mind" effect or any impression that maybe the kids are perfectly happy not seeing him. Telling him that the kids miss him at every opportunity.

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