How often should separated dads see their children

[Jewel7]

I know this is different for everyone but I was married a long time. So new to this. Kids are really missing their dad. He has them alternate weekends and sometimes pops by in the week but not often. They are really missing him and feeling let down. I know it’s a tough juggle but it’s not really working. I thought we would be Parenting together but I feel like the few days a month he has them doesn’t really compare…

My ex see's our toddler every other weekend. Used to have him overnight once in the week too but apparently it was 'too much traffic' getting to his nursery after work so now only has him 4 nights a month.

IMO; I don't think it's enough - especially when they're able to have them more. Personally, I think EOW and at least a couple of nights also in the week is more acceptable.

My ex has mine 4 nights a week as his job is flexible as I couldn’t work in the job I do otherwise (6.30am starts) I see them in the week though as we are still very friendly. He stayed in the house too for that reason.

He does get every weekend off though as they are back with me from Friday to Monday morning every week.

Good dads do 50/50. But then if they were good dads, they are less likely to have separated.

Making an assumption.

Anyway DP has an arrangement where it's a week on a week off so 50/50.
To facilitate this his business is run to suit part-time hrs during his week.
Everyone gets on so well, we even have her new partner's daughter over for sleepovers. Plenty of communication, no bickering, and no controlling the other with passive-aggressive griping.

Thanks everyone. I guess i am happy to have the children more. They speak to him each day. From the new year I am hoping he will step up more. We have spoken about it and he knows he needs to do it. It’s tricky because his living situation isn’t where he can have the children either. I feel as a mum I have been left to get on with it but still working/parenting myself.

My ex has the dc EOW and 1 night in the week one week, 2 the week he's not having them at the weekend. So they always have at least 2 nights a week with him, and 3 every other week..

OP, why is his living situation not suitable for children? Is this something he can change?

From the sound of it, you would be fine with him seeing the dc more (as long as in a suitable place), and they want to see him more, and he knows this, but isn’t stepping up? It’s difficult, but as you’ve already realised, there’s not much you can do about it.

my exH insists he is a hands on involved dad. He sees them (theoretically) EOW and one night in the week. Eldest and middle dc don’t go at all, so see him high days and holidays only - they are due at his this Christmas, and out of the weeks’ contact they both want to go for Christmas lunch and a couple of hours after. Youngest dc still goes, but not always the full allocation of time. In reality, he has no idea of what is going on in their lives, cannot name friends or teachers at school, and doesn’t even know what year they are in at school so can’t find relevant events on school calendar etc. The kind of parent he is in his head, and when talking to his friends and family, bears little resemblance to the actual parent he is.

how old are your dc? It might be that you are going to need to start helping them through some very difficult emotions, as they may be starting to see/realise that their dad’s interest in them only goes so far, and that is a hard thing to come to terms with.

My ex sees my DC 50/50, as does my DH with his own.

Tricky one – when DH separated from his ex, she wanted him to have the children as much as possible, and she also wanted him to pay as much as possible.

He was self employed and the two requests were at odds with each other.

50/50 doesn't always give children stability and feeling of permanence - either being shuttled somewhere week on week off or every couple of nights, EOWkend especially when they get older and have clubs/friends/hobbies etc becomes harder.

My ex h left us. His choice and I suppose that does impact greatly on my feelings around this. If he wanted to parent equally then he should have stuck around. We didn't have the worst marriage In the world by all account. He just needs didn't want to. My children are very young so in the end they'll know no different and highly unlikely they will ever have a close relationship with him. Not because I don't want them to but just because seeing someone every other weekend just doesn't allow that. He'll sadly be on the periphery of their lives. He isn't there for every meal time and every bath time and every bed time.

What about when the mum works full time?? It’s not common then!

I manage to work full time and look after my pre-school DC 90% of the time! Such a double standard.

Ex had the kids EOW and I think this contributed to dc1 going NC and dc2 going VLC.It took him 10 years before taking time off at half term and seeing dc3 for a few extra days.
When we split he moved 3.5 hours away but the kids hated it so he moved 45 minutes away which was great. He now lives 4 hours away which is crap for dc3 as he has a lot of travelling.
You can't make him prioritise the kids. It's very common for dads who pledge to do 50/50 to reduce their time as new partners come into the equation. Ime it's unusual for dads to go part-time or negotiate flexible working in the same way that many women do when they have a child.
My ex is now basically a single man who pays child maintenance and parents one night a fortnight. When we were together he was an involved father who didn't spend weekends on hobbies and did the crappy bits like mop up sick when they were ill. I couldn't prevent it and had I said anything it would have been considered controlling or bitter ex-wife.
Next half term in Feb. Would he commit to a few extra days with the kids then ?

If he’s a good dad, as much as he’s able. My dad was rubbish and I was grateful he only made an appearance a few times a year and I never missed him in between. If Dh and I ever split up, I would imagine he’d want them with him at least 50% and I would want that too.

That said, a 40 minute drive is nothing. My mum was a single parent most of my childhood. She commuted 1.5 hours to work every day, working FT, and still was a very hands on parent (my only one). So distance is no excuse. If he’s not providing childcare in his non-working hours, whatever can he be so busy doing?

What am I assuming here?

My friend is separated and her ex has the kids every other weekend (collects from school Friday brings back Sunday teatime) and then has them over night every Tuesday and then the weekend he isn't going to have them has them Thursday night overnight aswell
Seems to work well for everyone

I had mine 3 nights a week and on the nights I didn’t see them I called them. I didn’t miss a call for 10 years. I thought it was important to have that regular contact even if not seeing them and it worked as we now have a great relationship.

Both parents should work out that children see both parents as much as possible. I don't agree with rigid routines, if it's possible to avoid them, as parenting isn't a rigid routine and sometimes children need flexibility. From age around 15 or so children are usually independent and aware enough to make up their own minds how often and when to see each parent and I think this should be respected and accommodated as much as possible.

This is sound advice.

40 mins is nothing. I commute more than double that to get to work. Your H needs to pull his finger out and grow a pair.

Not very fair on your mum to get no proper downtime with you though.