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Original poster

Crippling loneliness

31 replies

Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 09:27

My ex and I broke up earlier this year. I’ve ended up moving city, to where my work has its HQ. Problem is I only have two good friends here, with people moving around since Covid, and the friends I have here have their own full friends groups and family here. My family and closest friends all live in other cities, and generally have busy lives.

I am so so lonely. I am proactive - I have arranged things to be out and about and see people, signing up for volunteering etc, but it doesn’t make up even slightly for time with people who I am close to and can be truly myself around. I am so crippling lonely that I often feel paralysed scrolling through my phone and watching rubbish tv.

I just don’t know how / if it is going to fix itself. I used to be such a positive, always look on the bright side person, and I just feel a shell of myself. I don’t want this life at all.

has anyone got any tips? Beyond just signing up for classes/activities etc, which I am trying to do and getting a whole plan in place for once Christmas is over.

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 19/12/2022 09:38

For now, I would make sure I visit family most weekends. Once the holidays hype dies down, take stock and see if it’s feasible to move nearer to your family and friends.

Polishingmyhalo · 19/12/2022 09:44

I'm sorry to read this, really difficult isn't it? How old are you? I'm not sure I have any ideas because you have clearly been proactive . I can totally empathise though as I'm lonely too but for different reasons

Original poster
Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 09:50

BuddhaAtSea · 19/12/2022 09:38

For now, I would make sure I visit family most weekends. Once the holidays hype dies down, take stock and see if it’s feasible to move nearer to your family and friends.

Thanks for responding. It isn’t possible for me to visit my home city most weekends sadly. It is too far away - time and money wise. Particularly money.

And I can’t move there as I’d have to change my job ultimately and my home city doesn’t have job opps for me really. I love my job and it brings me huge personal satisfaction, and I do really well at it. It’s the main thing that is going really well for me in life (I concentrate on this when I feel really down), i am really proud of myself for it, and I am not going to give that up.

Not to sound difficult and that I am refusing suggestions, it’s just I have weighed all that up a lot already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 09:53

Polishingmyhalo · 19/12/2022 09:44

I'm sorry to read this, really difficult isn't it? How old are you? I'm not sure I have any ideas because you have clearly been proactive . I can totally empathise though as I'm lonely too but for different reasons

Early 30s - so many many friends are “settling down”, new babies etc, so I also don’t feel I can be a burden on them with my loneliness etc issues.

sorry you are feeling similar 🫂

OP posts:
Blueberrywitch · 19/12/2022 09:56

How long have you been in the new town OP? Is it just over this Christmas period? This would be a really tricky time to meet new people if so

MyBooksAndMyCats · 19/12/2022 09:59

Where abouts are you?

Original poster
Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 10:01

London - I’ve lived here before, not a new city for me at all. But only moved back recently

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 19/12/2022 10:24

I've never felt so lonely and isolated as I did in London, surrounded by millions of strangers. In your shoes I'd be making plans to relocate as soon as I possibly could, even if this means a new job.

Wishing you better luck in 2023 OP Flowers

JuliaGooliaaa · 19/12/2022 10:32

I’m so sorry OP, loneliness is so hard and seeps into everything. Have you anyone who you can open up to about how hard it is- I mean, family or friends from your home place? Just a phone call to check in every few days?

Original poster
Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 11:09

JuliaGooliaaa · 19/12/2022 10:32

I’m so sorry OP, loneliness is so hard and seeps into everything. Have you anyone who you can open up to about how hard it is- I mean, family or friends from your home place? Just a phone call to check in every few days?

I think this is what i need to do. I’ve told my friends it is a bit lonely, but I don’t think they realise just how much I am suffering. My mental health after the break up is generally just very bad and it is hard to raise that with friends, by WhatsApp etc, given I don’t actually see them in person. I think I need to take the plunge and tell at least 1/2 friends how bad I am

OP posts:
fernthomasina · 19/12/2022 11:26
Flowers

My niece in a similar situation joined a friendship site and made a lot of new friends. I think it was Bumble but not the dating site. Though beyond that I don't know how it works. Might be worth a look.

Otherwise sign up to classes and volunteer and with time and patience things should improve. Classes (better if it's something you genuinely enjoy or feel passionate about) are where I've had to turn down invitations as I don't have the spare time at the moment, so I'd imagine they're good if you were looking to expand your social circle. Even someone to say hello to, that social connection.

123sunshine · 19/12/2022 11:37

Online dating? Don't over think it, just get out and meet new people. Don;t over invest your self, just get chatting to people go out and have a drink or some food. Doesn't have to be a second or third date, you don't need to meet the next love of your life, but you may get lucky. What you got to loose?

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 11:47

💐

Call your close friends and your family. Spend an hour or two, or three, talking, chatting, laughing, crying, being real, like people used to do before texts and emails became a thing. It will help a lot.

Lilgamesh2 · 19/12/2022 12:11

I reckon you'll have better luck with friend apps than classes as people will be looking to make friends rather than just small talk.

Also try joining your local Facebook page and write a post "hi I'm new to the area and would love to meet some locals if any females want to go for coffee" Something like that. I see posts on my local FB pages like that fairly frequently and I'm in London.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 19/12/2022 12:17

Try starting a group on Meetup. You could try starting a book group or walking group - this time of year is great for getting people to join, all really needing something to do in January. Or perhaps join some local Meetup groups. If it is you cup of tea the ramblers association is a good place to make friends.

BaddogGooddoggy · 19/12/2022 12:26

💐 I hope it eases soon OP. I agree re opening up to friends and family about how you’re feeling, please reach out for support. Sometimes it comes from unexpected places. What are your neighbours like?

tiftedandgalented · 19/12/2022 13:19

Whereabouts in London are you...? I'm in a not too dissimilar boat.

Southeastdweller · 19/12/2022 13:25

Alcemeg · 19/12/2022 10:24

I've never felt so lonely and isolated as I did in London, surrounded by millions of strangers. In your shoes I'd be making plans to relocate as soon as I possibly could, even if this means a new job.

Wishing you better luck in 2023 OP Flowers

There's nowhere like London for feeling lonely. I agree, maybe it's time to plan to move elsewhere, for the sake of your well-being.

80s · 19/12/2022 13:42

so many many friends are “settling down”, new babies etc, so I also don’t feel I can be a burden on them with my loneliness etc issues.
When you have a baby, it can actually be quite a lonely time too, as you might be spending a lot of time at home with just the baby. People stop asking you out as they think you're busy. It can be really nice to go out for a few hours or see a friend. You could be doing them a favour by asking them if they fancy a chat.

This is the dark time of year when things feel especially hard. It won't stay like that. Are you making sure that you're going out in the fresh air during the day? Are you getting enough exercise?

BuddhaAtSea · 19/12/2022 17:36

Where is your nearest parkrun? Even if you don’t run, you can just walk, we have something called tail walkers, people just come for a walk and a chat.
It’s ok to approach people with dogs. I nipped into town just now and in every shop I went, at least two people asked me if they can say hello to my dog. I don’t mind, I ask them if they want to give the dog a treat (from my own stash), I had a nice little chat about jumpers (from dog to human ones, as you do).

People do care if others are lonely. It’s not feeling sorry or anything like that, it’s just what it is sometimes.

Lili132 · 19/12/2022 17:54

There is no better place being in your 30' and single then London! Unless you move somewhere close to your family I don't see how situation will get better if you move somewhere where people settle even earlier in life and have the same friends since secondary school.
At least in a big city there will be so many other people in your shoes and I know you said you were being proactive so unfortunately that's what you have to keep doing. Keep finding new ways of meeting people - volunteering, starting your own online group etc.
I think once you start making friends it will get easier as we usually meet lots of new people through friendships we already have.

occhiazzurri · 19/12/2022 19:08

I can totally emphasise with feeling lonely In London. I think trying to make friends at work and inviting them to join in activities outside of work, running groups or local meet ups work best. I have also made some friends through language classes but most other classes aren’t particularly sociable since people tend to attend with friends. Is there a university alumni group you could join?

Jailapeche · 19/12/2022 19:20

Time, you have to give it time. I read it takes up to 2 years to fully settle in a new place. I relocated in the first lock down and knew no one. I was crushingly lonely for so long and kept thinking I should move back to where I came from. It's only been fairly recently that I have started to make connections and feel more settled. I joined lots of things, volunteered and got lucky meeting a very friendly lady who was happy to introduce me to her network. I know it's hard but take heart in knowing that this is temporary. If you feel the same way in another year you can move away but you may feel very differently by then. In the meantime make the most of all the city has to offer and take the time for self care.

Alcemeg · 19/12/2022 19:25

Park runs (etc) are a good idea, @BuddhaAtSea

I think the trouble with London is that it's not just another city, it's more like another planet - people often have ridiculous long-distance daily commutes, so arranging to hook up for socials after work etc gets very complicated. And general quality of life is painfully dependent on how much money you have. As cities goes, Bristol and Brighton are much more fun.

Petersonuk · 19/12/2022 19:40

Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 09:53

Early 30s - so many many friends are “settling down”, new babies etc, so I also don’t feel I can be a burden on them with my loneliness etc issues.

sorry you are feeling similar 🫂

Show quote history

Many of these perfect relationships will be no more in the next few years time.

Fella will have run off with a younger girl at work..
Woman will have had an affair with a hot younger man at work..
Woman will have left bloke because he's a manchild obsessed with porn
Woman will have found escort dating sites on his search history

etc etc etc.