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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crippling loneliness

31 replies

Bernardswatches · 19/12/2022 09:27

My ex and I broke up earlier this year. I’ve ended up moving city, to where my work has its HQ. Problem is I only have two good friends here, with people moving around since Covid, and the friends I have here have their own full friends groups and family here. My family and closest friends all live in other cities, and generally have busy lives.

I am so so lonely. I am proactive - I have arranged things to be out and about and see people, signing up for volunteering etc, but it doesn’t make up even slightly for time with people who I am close to and can be truly myself around. I am so crippling lonely that I often feel paralysed scrolling through my phone and watching rubbish tv.

I just don’t know how / if it is going to fix itself. I used to be such a positive, always look on the bright side person, and I just feel a shell of myself. I don’t want this life at all.

has anyone got any tips? Beyond just signing up for classes/activities etc, which I am trying to do and getting a whole plan in place for once Christmas is over.

OP posts:
Iusedtolovefroggy · 19/12/2022 20:00

Hi op , just wanted to say that I’m in the same boat, as a result of some long overdue counselling I cut off the narcisstic people in my life and as a result have no friends - not sure what the answer is to be honest as I have a partner and dc and I do keep putting myself out there , trying to reconnect with old school friends, work colleagues, school mums etc, but bar a one off catch up noone seems to be bothered to continue and it does get me down.

I had an operation a little while ago and couldn’t move for a month, and noone checked in on me, not even a text etc from my own parents and it was absolutely crushing. I don’t know what the answer is but I’ve withdrawn completely as I’m tired of being knocked back. I’m in my 30s and don’t think I’m a bad person at all. I often dream of moving to another town but you just don’t know if the same will happen there as well.

Sorry - that was a self indulgent rant wasnt it! But I do agree with a previous poster about people with babies needing company. I was completely on my own with my dc and my family and friends did and said nothing and watched me sink, I would have appreciated one person checking if I was okay, that would have made all the difference.

category12 · 19/12/2022 22:18

Have you got a pet? I know it's not the same as human companionship, but they can give love, company and make a house or flat feel like a home, give you a reason to get up in the morning, and reason to come back at night. A dog's a lot of work & responsibility, but would get you meeting other dog walkers to chat to. But even small furries like guinea pigs can be great sources of joy.

zonky · 20/12/2022 07:26

80s · 19/12/2022 13:42

so many many friends are “settling down”, new babies etc, so I also don’t feel I can be a burden on them with my loneliness etc issues.
When you have a baby, it can actually be quite a lonely time too, as you might be spending a lot of time at home with just the baby. People stop asking you out as they think you're busy. It can be really nice to go out for a few hours or see a friend. You could be doing them a favour by asking them if they fancy a chat.

This is the dark time of year when things feel especially hard. It won't stay like that. Are you making sure that you're going out in the fresh air during the day? Are you getting enough exercise?

@Bernardswatches

I agree to reach out to friends with babies. If only for a meet up/grab some food/chat/walk for a couple of hours. You won't be able to "burden" your friends with babies because most likely they won't have the headspace to engage with others ' problems while the baby is so young and dependent, so i wouldn't worry about that too much

Mjterra · 13/09/2023 13:50

Hey! I wondered how things were for you now? I am thinking about moving, which city have you moved to out of interest? As I think it can make a difference... I am thinking of Yorkshire as I've heard people are friendly there. I don't know anyone there! Haha it feels mad but I just have this calling and love the area.
if you're still looking for tips, Meetup and Eventbrite are both handy, bumble for friends possibly, are you dating now? Some people I have met dating become friends.

nibblemonster · 13/09/2023 14:50

Could you get a bar job or something for a couple of evenings a week? You might get to know new people that way. Or volunteering of course.

AlrightThen · 14/09/2023 15:01

Maybe you could try reading books and watch TV shows. Also people watching may help.

I don't know what else to say. Some people do need someone by their side.

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