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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on how to keep in touch.

35 replies

AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 08:45

I have a Christmas parcel already to post to our young grandson. I have messaged his mum as just a week ago they moved house. The message has been read, we were only in touch the week before her move. She is yet to respond with the address.

I’ve NC’d to remove this from my usual education and family based posts, so that confidentiality is upheld.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Teaspooned · 19/12/2022 08:47

I assume she’s crazy busy with the move — just ask her again for the new address?

upfucked · 19/12/2022 08:47

Are you contact with your son? Is your son in contact with his child? Do you not get your grandson’s Mum a gift too?

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 09:20

No, DiL has prevented contact between DGS and son. We are not in contact with our son, nor he with us.

The priority is the small child in this. We wanted to send him his Christmas presents as always.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 12:25

Teaspooned · 19/12/2022 08:47

I assume she’s crazy busy with the move — just ask her again for the new address?

We don’t buy for the adults at Christmas. We wouldn’t expect gifts to us either.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 12:25

Sorry, wrong quote @Teaspooned

OP posts:
Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 12:27

upfucked · 19/12/2022 08:47

Are you contact with your son? Is your son in contact with his child? Do you not get your grandson’s Mum a gift too?

As above, we don’t buy Christmas gifts for the adults in our family, only the kids. We don’t expect and don’t ever receive a gift from DGS or his mum.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/12/2022 12:33

So to be clear:

  • you are not in contact with your son
  • he is not in contact with his son
  • you are in contact with your grandson, via your (presumably ex) daughter-in-law

There are two reasons she hasn't given you the address:

  1. She is mad busy with moving two weeks before Christmas
  2. She does not intend for you to have the address.

Given the apparent lack of contact between family members, either seems equally likely at this point. If you ask for the address again, you will have a better idea of which it is.

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 12:37

tribpot · 19/12/2022 12:33

So to be clear:

  • you are not in contact with your son
  • he is not in contact with his son
  • you are in contact with your grandson, via your (presumably ex) daughter-in-law

There are two reasons she hasn't given you the address:

  1. She is mad busy with moving two weeks before Christmas
  2. She does not intend for you to have the address.

Given the apparent lack of contact between family members, either seems equally likely at this point. If you ask for the address again, you will have a better idea of which it is.

Thanks, yes to the above summary.

I’ve sent a second message, about two hours ago, asking if everything is ok, that I’m worried we’ve not heard from her, saying I know how busy Christmas is and letting her know that the parcel is wrapped and ready to go.

No response, though she has read the message. What now…

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/12/2022 12:40

Next step would be to call, but it's too soon to do so after the message. I would call later in the week and (assuming you get voicemail) leave a message to say you were phoning to wish your grandson a happy Christmas, could she let you know when is a good time for a call. Don't push on the address again.

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 17:20

tribpot · 19/12/2022 12:40

Next step would be to call, but it's too soon to do so after the message. I would call later in the week and (assuming you get voicemail) leave a message to say you were phoning to wish your grandson a happy Christmas, could she let you know when is a good time for a call. Don't push on the address again.

I will try that. What are the thought on sending the Christmas presents to the previous address in the hope that a redirection is in place.

Keep thinking of our DGS without his usual Christmas parcels from us.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/12/2022 18:04

I didn't think parcels were redirected but from googling it suggests that they are. I wouldn't risk it, however, esp at this time of year. Better to hang on to the parcel for now, what with the postal strikes etc.

category12 · 19/12/2022 18:12

Is she out of contact with your son because of violence or abuse?

If so, I can understand her reluctance to share her new address, even if you are also no contact with your son.

In which case, i would offer to send the present to her parents or something instead.

curiouslycinnamon · 19/12/2022 18:18

There are postal strikes on at the moment.

If you post something tomorrow, it will not likely get there in time for Christmas anyway.

I also wouldn't risk sending it to the old address - they might not have a redirection set up and then you will lose the gifts.

She is likely just busy, give it a day or two and call her if she hasn't responded.

I think it is now too late to get them to him for Christmas, whatever you do, unfortunately.

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 20:29

category12 · 19/12/2022 18:12

Is she out of contact with your son because of violence or abuse?

If so, I can understand her reluctance to share her new address, even if you are also no contact with your son.

In which case, i would offer to send the present to her parents or something instead.

Yes, they have split. Tbh they have both claimed violence. Not a healthy relationship.

Our son moved out of their family home 2 years ago, so we've always known where our grandson lives ( as did our son, his dad). There has never been any thought of anyone visiting unannounced, nothing unsafe. We wouldn't do that. She also knows we are not in touch with our son, so no risk there either.

I could ask for another family members address - if that's how it has to be. I suspect this won't be forthcoming.

It feels sad that we don't know where our grandson is, that we can't send his presents to him, it feels ‘empty’ and worrying.
(Evri were guaranteeing delivery when we posted other parcels today).

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2022 20:56

AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 20:29

Yes, they have split. Tbh they have both claimed violence. Not a healthy relationship.

Our son moved out of their family home 2 years ago, so we've always known where our grandson lives ( as did our son, his dad). There has never been any thought of anyone visiting unannounced, nothing unsafe. We wouldn't do that. She also knows we are not in touch with our son, so no risk there either.

I could ask for another family members address - if that's how it has to be. I suspect this won't be forthcoming.

It feels sad that we don't know where our grandson is, that we can't send his presents to him, it feels ‘empty’ and worrying.
(Evri were guaranteeing delivery when we posted other parcels today).

Show quote history

Tbh if I were her and potentially keeping my new address a secret because of domestic abuse, I would not risk his parents knowing my address, even if they were no contact with him currently.

Because she can't be sure that you will stay estranged, which makes it a risk that you wouldn't keep the secret long-term.

So to you, it's no risk - to her it's a very real risk.

If you don't hear back from her in the next couple of days, I would try again and say something like "if you want us to send the present to a third party's address to collect from them or have sent on, rather than sharing your new address, we will understand - we just would really like to keep in touch and be able to give x his present."

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 21:20

category12 · 19/12/2022 20:56

Tbh if I were her and potentially keeping my new address a secret because of domestic abuse, I would not risk his parents knowing my address, even if they were no contact with him currently.

Because she can't be sure that you will stay estranged, which makes it a risk that you wouldn't keep the secret long-term.

So to you, it's no risk - to her it's a very real risk.

If you don't hear back from her in the next couple of days, I would try again and say something like "if you want us to send the present to a third party's address to collect from them or have sent on, rather than sharing your new address, we will understand - we just would really like to keep in touch and be able to give x his present."

Show quote history

Yes, of course I understand the ‘keeping the address a secret’ but that hasn't happened for the last two years, for us and our son, I wonder why now? He could have gone to his old home, just as she could go to his new home too.

We all know where this child goes to school, where mum works, ( and where dad works for that matter).

They live 4 hours from us so we'd hardly be popping in.

We were about to meet up with them a couple of weeks ago.

We haven't a choice so there isn't much we can do.
I wanted any advice on what we might do in terms of the parcel and I will try asking for a family members address.

Makes me very sad that this could be the end of any contact, all she has to do is block her phone and is that it ...

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2022 21:30

But if you aren't in touch with your son, you don't know if he has done something in the meantime to make her decide to keep her new address a secret, do you? It was just an angle to consider.

I don't know, maybe she's decided to cut out your side of the family and have a new start for no new reason.

Or maybe she's busy with the move and hasn't got round to answering you.

What happened a couple of weeks ago if you were meant to meet up?

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 21:52

A couple of weeks ago - just work commitments that meant it was impossible.
Through our daughters, no, our son is not in touch with her, or she with them.

Are we wrong to feel very sad that we might not see our grandson again?

I do worry about attachment theories, this is a child that has already had lots of change and suddenly we disappear too.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2022 22:02

(I'm perplexed by how you can be sure your son hasn't said or done something to trigger this - he's hardly likely to share that info with his sisters, nor is she.) But anyway...

Of course you're not wrong to be sad, or devastated in fact, if she is cutting you out.

All you can do is keep holding out the olive branch though.

upfucked · 19/12/2022 22:09

AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 21:52

A couple of weeks ago - just work commitments that meant it was impossible.
Through our daughters, no, our son is not in touch with her, or she with them.

Are we wrong to feel very sad that we might not see our grandson again?

I do worry about attachment theories, this is a child that has already had lots of change and suddenly we disappear too.

If you don’t see your Grandson regularly then there is not an attachment to break.

maddy68 · 19/12/2022 22:15

If you know her parents address send it there. Also send a really nice card to her hoping she is ok. And tell her that her and her child are always in your thoughts

Bluerisotto · 19/12/2022 22:28

I feel for you, I adore my grandson and my own grandparents were so important in my life.

No advice except if texts are your only connection now continue to keep them nice. Maybe say, if you don't want to send the address could we send an e-gift card to buy something for him

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 22:32

upfucked · 19/12/2022 22:09

If you don’t see your Grandson regularly then there is not an attachment to break.

Show quote history

So one missed visit where exDiL was working, means that we have no relationship with our grandson. Unlikely.

Long term if all contact ceases, including through technology and postal - more likely.

Maddy - I don't know her mum’s address. I could probably drive to it from the old house but don't have a written address.

OP posts:
nepolibats · 19/12/2022 22:48

Get on google maps street view and dothe journey there and find the address out that way?

Original poster
AdelaideLane · 20/12/2022 10:06

nepolibats · 19/12/2022 22:48

Get on google maps street view and dothe journey there and find the address out that way?

Yes! I will try that...a street view map might give me an idea....otherwise someone, somewhere is going to be receiving a parcel they've no idea about....

Cue a new thread in January - ‘ why would someone post a parcel to a stranger...’ 😀

OP posts:
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