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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on how to keep in touch.

35 replies

AdelaideLane · 19/12/2022 08:45

I have a Christmas parcel already to post to our young grandson. I have messaged his mum as just a week ago they moved house. The message has been read, we were only in touch the week before her move. She is yet to respond with the address.

I’ve NC’d to remove this from my usual education and family based posts, so that confidentiality is upheld.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

AdelaideLane · 20/12/2022 10:14

Bluerisotto · 19/12/2022 22:28

I feel for you, I adore my grandson and my own grandparents were so important in my life.

No advice except if texts are your only connection now continue to keep them nice. Maybe say, if you don't want to send the address could we send an e-gift card to buy something for him

Still no contact back, despite her reading the messages.

Thank you for your understanding. This feels like any relationship break up, the sadness, emptiness, worrying about the future, worrying about our grandson and the impact on him when he realises his grandparents are suddenly not in touch.
We miss him. We miss the fun times together, the trips out, we miss choosing gifts, sending him cards and funny holiday postcards.

We know that his mum has her own life now as does our son. They have both moved on.
Sadly, our grandson is missing half of his family.

We were told by ex DiL that another of our family had ‘cut contact’. I didn't feel I should question her comment. I'm beginning to wonder? Will we be the next that have ‘cut contact’? 🙁

OP posts:

Bluerisotto · 20/12/2022 10:22

Just a thought......

And you would want to be very careful on this so as to not make ex-DIL feel that you are overstepping boundaries...

Have you ever met her parents? Did you have a decent connection with them?

Could you contact them and say you want to respect her wishes but is everything ok and could they let your grandson know that his other grandparents love and miss him? Could they be allies?

category12 · 20/12/2022 10:32

Bluerisotto · 20/12/2022 10:22

Just a thought......

And you would want to be very careful on this so as to not make ex-DIL feel that you are overstepping boundaries...

Have you ever met her parents? Did you have a decent connection with them?

Could you contact them and say you want to respect her wishes but is everything ok and could they let your grandson know that his other grandparents love and miss him? Could they be allies?

I'm not sure that trying to get the other parents onside is a wise move - it could be viewed as trying to enlist "flying monkeys".

SippingSangriaInMyHead · 20/12/2022 10:33

I think maybe something has happened that has made her suddenly want to move. If you don’t have contact with your son then he could have done or said something to her to make her feel fearful.
I would tread carefully. If you push too much I think you will be more likely to push her away further. Give her time to settle into her new home and accept that for now your grandson can’t have his presents. One Christmas without presents from you really won’t matter as long as his mum is taking good care of him.

SippingSangriaInMyHead · 20/12/2022 10:36

Bluerisotto · 20/12/2022 10:22

Just a thought......

And you would want to be very careful on this so as to not make ex-DIL feel that you are overstepping boundaries...

Have you ever met her parents? Did you have a decent connection with them?

Could you contact them and say you want to respect her wishes but is everything ok and could they let your grandson know that his other grandparents love and miss him? Could they be allies?

Do not do this. You would come across that you were trouble making, forcing things or trying to be manipulative. It would alienate you further.

Bluerisotto · 20/12/2022 10:36

category12 · 20/12/2022 10:32

I'm not sure that trying to get the other parents onside is a wise move - it could be viewed as trying to enlist "flying monkeys".

Show quote history

I agree it is risky but if ex DIL cuts all contact it could be the only link they have.

I'd maybe let this Christmas slide and see what the new year brings....

category12 · 20/12/2022 10:42

She hasn't cut all contact yet.

In her place, I'd be far more likely to do so if I started getting pressured by relatives as proxies.

Thelnebriati · 20/12/2022 12:46

Its possible she has been forced to move and go NC. If thats the case, you really need to see it from her point of view as she has to put their safety first.

In the meantime if you want to do something nice, open a savings account for your grandchild and put a regular amount in their for when they turn 18.

GreyCarpet · 20/12/2022 12:55

category12 · 20/12/2022 10:32

I'm not sure that trying to get the other parents onside is a wise move - it could be viewed as trying to enlist "flying monkeys".

Show quote history

I agree. That's exactly what it would be really.

OP, this is a difficult situation for you, I understand. Did you have a good relationship with your DIL before they split?

It's difficult. I'm nc with my mother (abuse related) and have been for 10 years. My brother and I have both moved house since that decision was made and she has no idea where either of us live. I would have found it very distressing if she had enlisted the help of other people to get in contact with me and I would have definitely battened down the hatches and cut off anyone who tried to intervene.

The move is very recent. She's having to deal with that; the aftermath of the break up of a violent/abusive marriage; her son's emotions; the fear of starting over and just before Christmas too.

I'm trying to put myself in her position. You have contacted her twice now and she hasn't responded. I think the dust probably needs to settle for everyone to a degree.

If you had a good relationship with her prior to the break up, then I would personally leave it until after Christmas. Its more important that espectful communication is established than your grandson gets his package before Christmas. I think this is a case of softly, softly, catchy monkey if you are to he successful. I wonder if a message in the New Year would be better? Maybe explaining that you respect her as your grandson's mother and you understand the position she's in. But that you would hate to lose touch with her and your grandson. I'd also say that this is the last time you will make direct contact out of respect for her but that your door will always be open to her and your grandson.

I can't imagine how it feels to be in her position.

Original poster

AdelaideLane · 20/12/2022 22:51

Thanks for the very thoughtful replies.

No, we don't have contact with her mum and her dad isn't part of her family.
I wouldn't expect her mum would help.

Son and dil have been split for two years. DiL has remarried so I except this is part of the move. I suppose she has every right to not tell us where she has moved too. Just so very sad.

I will wait. We have the presents here, ready to go, maybe the New Year, maybe we just won't hear anymore from them. 🙁

OP posts:

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