Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SEX AFTER 3RD DEGREE TEAR, a bit scared to go there, thoughts?experiences?

41 replies

Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 17:32

Had our first son 3 months ago, suffered a 3rd degree tear, was stitched well and the midwives assure me it has healed well and the surgeon did a good job, feels ok now, well, no pain or discomfort just a little different to how it felt before, suppose it would do realy!
The problem is we haven't had sex yet, I was getting round to the idea when I got painful piles and it put me off again. I'm a bit worried as to how it'll go, scared that it'll hurt or be uncomfortable or spilt or something? Dh is being really nice, hasn't even asked for sex and is very understanding but the longer I leave it the more under pressure I feel to do it.
Any thoughts/advice/oppinions/experiences???

OP posts:
Original poster
Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 17:57

bump

OP posts:
Neverenough · 02/02/2008 18:08

I advise a nice dinner, couple of glasses of wine to relax you, nice slow steady pace, plenty of foreplay and a large tube of KY jelly just in case. You'll be fine.

beakysmum · 02/02/2008 18:08

Hi, it took over an hour to stitch me up and I was pretty nervous about first time too

Lots of KY, wine and me on top helped. I'm not going to say it was the world's greatest time, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. And as you say, once I'd got over the hurdle of not doing it, it made it much easier to try again.

BTW I don't think 3 months is that long to wait, so don't feel under too much pressure. Libido does return eventually, tho thats more when sleep improves I think!

Best of luck

essexgirl31 · 02/02/2008 18:09

Hi Dalrymps,
I had my DS 6 months ago and also had 3rd degree tears. I was pretty scared aswell. But it really was fine. It was slightly uncomfortable the first time (probably after about 8 weeks) but not painful in at all. No trouble since!
Enjoy if you can

essexgirl31 · 02/02/2008 18:19

Oh dear I didn't mean to type 'in'. Sounds rude!

Original poster
Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 18:51

lol, thanks for the advice, glad to hear others hsve managed ok, think i just need to get over the first time as you all say

OP posts:
ejt1764 · 02/02/2008 18:59

Dal - make sure you use plenty of KY - as you're bf, that could dry you up a bit too ...
my tear has healed nicely too, but it all feels different down there - the first couple of times weren't the best sex I've ever had, but it's getting better!

Would also second the wine ...

Good luck!

Original poster
Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 19:06

thanks ejt, think the wine is the way to go

OP posts:
clutteredup · 02/02/2008 19:12

What about a bit of foreplay too, why not explain to DH how you feel and say you want to mess around a bit, that way you don't have to go 'all the way' if you don't want to and it takes the pressure off. Obviously wine aswell, but that's just cos its good to drink...isn't it /

thequietone · 02/02/2008 19:17

Dalrymps, excatly the same story for me too (3 years ago). I was pretty scared that DH would hurt me so much that I'd be put off for life, never have kids again etc. etc. wound myself up to be honest.
I found complete honesty ie. after nice dinner, cosied up with DVD and some wine I admitted I was scared he'd hurt me. Took it extremely slowly and he checked almost too often whether I was OK, I relaxed and all was done. As the others say, not the best sesh, but it put us back on the path! GOod luck.

Original poster
Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 20:16

yeah i think thats the way to go, guess i just need to relax a bit about it, whilst we're on the subject of things going in 'there', did anyone have a smear soon after? i have to have them every 6 months so got one this month i'm dreading

OP posts:
muppetgirl · 02/02/2008 20:48

Me too Dal, we haven't yet. I've got a gynaelogical app to sort out the leftover problems from the tear so I'm still terified to do anything in case things get worse. I would suggest a nice bottle of wine and having a night of 'fun' with no pressure. Take it slowly and you'll be fine I'm sure.

allgonebellyup · 02/02/2008 20:49

Be careful, although after 3 months you should be fine!

i had numerous tears/stitches and 2 days after the birth got this huge surge of desire (yes, weird i know), so forced (ex) dh to give me a good seeing to! destroyed all the hard work the surgeon had done, and my bits were a mess!

but honestly you have left enough time to let it heal..

missbumpy · 02/02/2008 20:57

Hi Dal,

I was terrified too (no tear, just an episiotomy but I was still scared it would hurt). It was a bit uncomfortable but it wasn't too bad.

Definitely get some KY jelly and make sure there's lots of foreplay to get you in the mood.

TBH, I've only done it once since giving birth because I'm just never in the mood anymore !

Good luck!

FloriaTosca · 02/02/2008 21:34

Dal; so understand how you feel...I tore badly too and still feel odd down there (and my lo is a month older than yours) we have only managed it twice since he was born and neither of those times before 12 weeks, and no, the earth didnt move either time but it wasn't as uncomfortable as I dreaded..now I know nothing dreadful is going to happen the only thing stopping us from indulging more often is lo never sleeping!
I would agree with the glass of wine, ask for a massage, make it clear that you only want to go as far as you feel comfortable and take things really slowly ...treat it a bit like courting for the very first time again
enjoy

Original poster
Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 21:39

ohh like the idea of a massage

OP posts:
ABitEmbarrassedToSayBut · 02/02/2008 22:30

... if it feels like the scar tissue from the tear and stitching has gone too tight, you can always work on "stretching" it with your own fingers - eg after each visit to the loo - until it seems a bit more back to normal...

Original poster
Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 22:48

i'm a bit cringy about it to be honest, i've only tried to look down there once with a mirror but haven't felt what it feels like, i don'e think it feels too tight. lol i actually have a prob that i keep getting air trapped there and it bubbles out (sorry for tmi), think i need to do more pelvic floors or there might be fanny farts when we try to have sex.. lol i'm making myself laugh reading what i've just written

OP posts:
cruisemum1 · 03/02/2008 13:06

i had an episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear but was up and running (so to speak) after about 9 weeks. I was soooo nervous but dh was slow and patient and it was fine. No worse than the first poo!

alicet · 03/02/2008 13:26

Dal having had both my babies through the rooftop I don't have any personal experience to help you with. However I have had very frank discussions with mates who have along the same lines.

They would second all the advice on here - lots of lube, take it slowly (sounds as though your dh is a bit of a star and pretty understanding already), a couple of glasses of wine and low expectations! The mate I chatted to most about this said that it is never the same again but becomes as good although different after a few goes. I also have a friend who had a third degree tear too and she said similar.

Good luck!

needmorecoffee · 03/02/2008 13:29

I had a 2nd degree tear and am still in pain 4 years on. Still no you-know-what cos I figure if it hurts to sit them rumpy is going to hurt too.
But the longer you leave it the worse you will feel

Original poster
Dalrymps · 03/02/2008 14:15

sorry to hear that needmorecoffee, surely you shouldn't still be in pain? isn't there anything the docs can do for you

OP posts:
needmorecoffee · 03/02/2008 14:26

I'm due an op and it was going to be tomorrow but dd started having seizures again and I can only deal with one thing at a time!

Original poster
Dalrymps · 03/02/2008 16:14

oh well at least they can help, hope it gets sorted for you soon

OP posts:
alicet · 03/02/2008 20:08

Dal just thought I'd add that from a surgical point of view 3 months is plenty of time to heal as long as you haven't had any complications. It will be a bit uncomfortable the first time I am sure but I don't think you would be likely to do any damage if you take it slowly and stop if it hurts.

Swipe left for the next trending thread