I kissed someone else

[emmafoxx]

It has been months since that happened and I still can't sleep at night about it, I am getting nightmares and night terrors and I think I'll never get over it. I thus chose to try and unburden myself by sharing that story.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now (we are 22 and we have been together since high school) we were having a long distance relationship for the past two years. During the summer I was suffering from severe anxiety and it was a time when i had to take some very important decision about my life. i was under so much pressure and he could not help me and i felt disappointed and sad and even though i loved him more than anything i was thinking of breaking up with him so i could get to know myself as an independent woman and decide about my future independently

It was during this situation that a friend of mine from the university where i was studying abroad, came to our town for vacation and he asked me to go out. We used to be friendly so i was not sure if that was him asking me out or if it was a friendly outing so I did go (it was also a chance for me to talk about my university concerns) We were talking for a few hours while we had a drink and then we went for a walk and i started noticing him making eye contact and becoming a little more touchy feely. That guy would normally be my type and I actually thought for a moment that he would theoretically be perfect for me (we were both studying abroad at the same uni ). I was thinking all that when he leaned in to kiss me so i did not stop it, i thought "ok let it happen see it as an experiment". While he was kissing me i felt sick to my stomach I actually thought i would vomit. I felt so bad so guilty i wanted to die, i immediately regretted all of the thoughts i was having, i would never want to break up, i hit a rough patch i was unwell, but my boyfriend, i truly believe is the love of my life.

I did not talk to that guy again and i actually chose to stay in my hometown and take a gap year so i could work on my mental health and also be with my boyfriend. I was feeling so guilty, i tried to make a conversation with my boyfriend but he is so absolute about cheating it is the one thing he says he would never forgive. I could not afford to lose him so i did not tell him. I have been drowning in guilt since then i do not know what to do. Should i keep trying to forgive myself or should i tell him knowing i will hurt him and probably ruin my six year relationship?

To be honest OP, your declarations of love sound like you’re trying to convince yourself you’re in the right relationship, as well as us.

I recognise it, because you sound like me, twenty-odd years ago.

I ended up spending twenty five years trapped in a relationship with someone I didn’t really even like, out of guilt.

I might be entirely wrong, and if I am forgive me, but just in case I’m not, remember this:

you are allowed to end any relationship, at any time, for any reason.

@suckinglem0ns You are right but i choose to keep trying because of how unique the connection between us is

What do you mean by ‘unique’?

How do you know, if you’ve only had one relationship?

There is nothing unique about a boyfriend who puts emotional pressure on you for constant reassurance and generally causes grief all round. They're ten a penny, trust us!

I think you should concentrate on yourself. Work on the anxiety and developing some level of self acceptance. The drama in your writing and self loathing you have over one minor kiss isn't healthy. You need to accept yourself for who you are ( a young woman finding her way in life) and stop beating you self up about what "he" will think of you

@DuncanBiscuits we have actually broken up twice (as i believe is common for teenagers) for 8 and 6 months accordingly. The first time i was 17 and i actually was dating someone else for three months who i did like but it just did not feel right. The second time i was single and went on a few dates but i just could not get him out of my mind. It is hard sometimes and there really is pressure by our peers to have other experiences but i just want to be with him you know? I am my happiest with him. The reason why he could not help me when i needing him was because i think i expected from him to save me from my mental issues but nobody can do that only ourselves

Ok. Well, put the kiss out of your mind. It’s less than nothing. If you really can’t, think about using some CBT techniques, because it sounds like you’re having intrusive thoughts.

@bumpytrumpy I know it is not healthy but i really do loath myself in any situation so that is not his fault. Maybe his fault is how big of a deal he has made me believe any "cheating situation" is that it could never be forgiven. I used to be more absolute about these things too but i think it is part of being young and in love. Being in love truly makes you posessive, it takes work to learn how to be in love in a healthy way.
He has his intense insecurities and i have my intense self hatred. I am always hard on myself about everything so it makes sense to hate me for this too. It is not what he will think of me that makes me hate myself it is what i think of me. I am a perfectionist and i just cant grasp the fact that i did a mistake like this. I don't do that, i do the right thing, i am meant to set the example, i need to have the perfect relationship, i am not the cheater who does mistakes. I am not meant to make mistakes. Thats how i have myself in my mind. I know it is problematic i am trying to work on it in therapy but i just can't forgive any mistake i do

Op you don’t have to defend your relationship here.
You wanted advice on what to do, people have shared. You want to keep it quiet then that’s your decision, no one knows the real you or can push you into telling him or telling you to experience the world. What you need to decide now is if you can put the guilty feeling behind you. Only you know if you’ll stop having nightmares about it.
If you can move on then great, keep working on yourself and make sure you make decisions about your life focussed on you.
If you’re still having trouble with it then maybe it’s best to clear your head and tell him. It might break you up but it might not, you never know. Just don’t use this experience as a need to stop talking to male friends or feeling the need to explain who you are meeting up with etc.

"He has his intense insecurities and i have my intense self hatred.*"
*
This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You both need to work on your own mental well-beings...separately

This all sound very unhealthy.

If you have a tendency towards low self esteem/ "self hatred" then you really need to be with someone emotionally balanced, even more than the average person does. Someone emotionally balanced themselves will calmly and rationally help you develop self acceptance.

Right now you have two emotionally unstable people creating a co dependency situation which makes BOTH of you feel worse.
Can you see that?

It's good you're in therapy.

Is he?

Hopefully you will get to a stage when you can understand your behaviour is totally normal. It's the emotional self beating and his guilt tripping that needs to stop.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to tell him about the kiss in the hope that he would break up with you. But i actually think he probably wouldnt - he'd use it to make you feel like his wider "insecurities" (aka emotionally blackmailing controlling behaviours) are justified. Which they're not. He could choose to leave you or forgive you. What he shouldn't be allowed to do is to stay with you but use it as a stick to heat you with. That's the bit you need to learn for yourself first.

Give some thought to how much his "insecurities" control YOUR life. I suspect at far too much to be healthy.

No, I’m not a young man🤣!

But it’s no better on the other side, let’s get real.
It’s not black and white, you should know that if you’re so old and wise.

Lot’s of, starting pretty young - barely 30 year old’s, out there trying to date, who are so broken, used and abused, kids and std’s in tow, trying to force connection. Lots of broken messes in the sea.
Some people can avoid this, and good for them!

So if it’s working, it’s a good idea to continue. Quality is fucking poor out there.

@bumpytrumpy thank you for that comment.
i was the main reason he went he said he wanted to be better for me too. He is getting better but you know how it is, it's hard for the insecurities not to emerge. I know he would feel like his insecurities would feel like they were justified and i don't wanna do this to either of us. I believe at some point i will crack and tell him. My therapist actually thinks but it is worth trying for my relationship and she advised me to accept it and not share it with him if i find a way to justify it for myself.
But whenever i feel ok with what happened and manage to forgive me (temporarily) and decide that it is better not to tell him, i get paranoid thinking he might learn it from someone else even though there is no way to. I have only told my best friend who would never say anything about it. But i am afraid it will somehow leak, i am thinking of very complicated ways for that to reach him. The guy i kissed comes from the same city we grew up an live in but there are 5 million people in my city and my boyfriend and that guy have no link whatsoever. There are no common friends, co common school, no common neighbourhood. The guy lives in another country and only comes here twice a year for vacation. Even if they were to bump into each other how would he know?
I am getting paranoid aren't I ?
But whenever i feel ok with my guilt i start thinking that he will somehow know

i choose to keep trying because of how unique the connection between us is
It really isn't but you wouldn't really know that I guess.
Your relationship sounds so unhealthy and your ideas around 'real love' so immature. You should do yourself a favour and learn WHO you are individually without being part of a co dependent 'insecurities v self hatred' pair.

Mate, everyone thinks their first love is ‘unique’, then you grow up and realise it’s just common-or-garden intense.

Don't listen to people saying it isn't unique. Of course it is. Young love always is. You will find many posts on here of women lamenting the one that got away or wondering what could have been. You don't want to end up like them. You have something special and you don't need to throw it away. Especially because of some extremely bitter and irrelevant people on the Internet.

You know what's right for you. Feeling sick to your stomach is a pretty strong indicator that you don't want to be with somebody else. You went back for a gap year you clearly love him very much. Don't tell him about the kiss just move on. It will only complicate things and you have obviously learnt your lesson and don't want to do anything like that again.

Enjoy your relationship and don't let this blip get in the way of your happiness. Its not like you slept with him, you can stop punishing yourself.

Feeling sick to your stomach is a pretty strong indicator that you don't want to be with somebody else. You went back for a gap year you clearly love him very much.

Or he’s conditioned her to feel fear with emotional abuse 🤷‍♀️

I agree with this.
You're 22 and have been with this person since you were a very emotionally charged teenager, and from the way you type it seems like that level of emotional tightrope walking hasn't faded.
Personally, I would end the relationship and take some time to go and have fun, explore new things and grow emotionally.