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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I kissed someone else

43 replies

emmafoxx · 18/12/2022 22:25

It has been months since that happened and I still can't sleep at night about it, I am getting nightmares and night terrors and I think I'll never get over it. I thus chose to try and unburden myself by sharing that story.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now (we are 22 and we have been together since high school) we were having a long distance relationship for the past two years. During the summer I was suffering from severe anxiety and it was a time when i had to take some very important decision about my life. i was under so much pressure and he could not help me and i felt disappointed and sad and even though i loved him more than anything i was thinking of breaking up with him so i could get to know myself as an independent woman and decide about my future independently

It was during this situation that a friend of mine from the university where i was studying abroad, came to our town for vacation and he asked me to go out. We used to be friendly so i was not sure if that was him asking me out or if it was a friendly outing so I did go (it was also a chance for me to talk about my university concerns) We were talking for a few hours while we had a drink and then we went for a walk and i started noticing him making eye contact and becoming a little more touchy feely. That guy would normally be my type and I actually thought for a moment that he would theoretically be perfect for me (we were both studying abroad at the same uni ). I was thinking all that when he leaned in to kiss me so i did not stop it, i thought "ok let it happen see it as an experiment". While he was kissing me i felt sick to my stomach I actually thought i would vomit. I felt so bad so guilty i wanted to die, i immediately regretted all of the thoughts i was having, i would never want to break up, i hit a rough patch i was unwell, but my boyfriend, i truly believe is the love of my life.

I did not talk to that guy again and i actually chose to stay in my hometown and take a gap year so i could work on my mental health and also be with my boyfriend. I was feeling so guilty, i tried to make a conversation with my boyfriend but he is so absolute about cheating it is the one thing he says he would never forgive. I could not afford to lose him so i did not tell him. I have been drowning in guilt since then i do not know what to do. Should i keep trying to forgive myself or should i tell him knowing i will hurt him and probably ruin my six year relationship?

OP posts:

Thisbastardcomputer · 18/12/2022 22:30

Seriously Emma, you have hardly murdered someone, forget it and pretend it never happened

Newwardrobe · 18/12/2022 22:33

You're making this bigger than it needs to be , it's not great but really not worth all this angst.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2022 22:35

You’ve been in a very intense relationship since you were 15? I would be more concerned about taking snaps to work out what makes you happy as an independent person in your own right.

Not the “I can’t afford to lose him” dance. What do your friends and family think about your relationship? It sounds smothering.

Keep torturing yourself about ‘a kiss’ or tell him. But it’s up to you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2022 22:36

Steps not snaps.

SnoozyLucy7 · 18/12/2022 22:38

You need to forgive yourself and move on with your life.

If this was just one time, then it was a stupid mistake. Stop punishing yourself.

ItsACrater · 18/12/2022 22:39

Erm really live your life honey! You’re only 22 ffs! Don’t feel sick to the stomach. Dump the BF and live.

Hiddenvoice · 18/12/2022 22:41

It sounds like you are going through an awful lot at the moment. You said yourself that you are feeling lost, I think you need to spend some time working on you, being independent and deciding what you want for the future. You two have been together for a long time and it seems like he might be your rock to lean on but as you said, he wasn’t there at a time you needed him.
What you did was wrong, you didn’t know if it was a date or not, you wanted to kiss him, you wanted to experience something else. The guilt is eating away at you. Sharing it here might help but only time will tell.
I think you are punishing yourself a lot and I’d like to say it was only a kiss but if my dh did that I’d be gutted. I know a lot of people will say it’s one kiss, move on and don’t tell him but to me it’s better to be honest. That way you two can work out if you need space to help grow as individuals or if you can have an honest discussion of how to support each other as you move into a new phase in your life.

suckinglem0ns · 19/12/2022 06:44

You're 22 and been locked in for 6 years already, sheesh. Who you love and what you want as a teenager is unlikely to be the same forever. Life is not a fairytale, there are other 'soul mates' available. This relationship has had it's course, dump the bf.

PainfulAnkles · 19/12/2022 07:22

Lots of odd comments here.
It’s great that you have found such a strong love at so young age and that it has been with you for so long.
I kind of do think that you own him honesty though, if he’s been loyal to you, it kind of suck he didn’t get the same back from you.

thefiddlerselbow · 19/12/2022 07:49

You're only 22 and haven't lived a single life at all. It's perfectly reasonable to want to experience this, if only for a fleeting moment.
Is your boyfriend lovely, kind, wonderful, reliable and absolutely everything you need? Are you 100% happy to be with him?
If all is good with your relationship then just let it go and try not to think about it again.

But make sure you live your life for yourself and not for your partner.

Dery · 19/12/2022 07:53

@thefiddlerselbow is spot on. Please pay attention to their advice.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 19/12/2022 08:07

If I was your boyfriend I'd prefer not to know.
It was one silly kiss that someone else initiated and you didn't enjoy. There is really nothing to feel guilty about - put it behind you and move on.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/12/2022 08:11

You are far too young to be this embroiled with someone
and I’d imagine it’s because of or around your
mental health issues

id say someone reaching in for a kiss is
NOTHING to Kill yours self over

put this aside and put more energy into understanding and managing your anxiety

Ocrumbs · 19/12/2022 08:14

Tbh I'd leave your boyfriend and enjoy yourself. You're only young once.

PainfulAnkles · 19/12/2022 08:18

Op hasn’t said anything about wanting to break up.
You bitter people need to learn the line.
What is it with the obsession to tell everyone yo break up…

Luckydip1 · 19/12/2022 08:19

I think you should be honest and tell your boyfriend what happened, there must be a reason why you strayed, maybe he is not giving you what you need.

Original poster

emmafoxx · 19/12/2022 08:20

I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship since that happened. I learned that relationships have their ups and downs and also that the thing i have with my boyfriend is something very unique. It is like there are things about the world only me and him can see and we get one another in a very special way. I have learned that it is never worth it to cheat in any way, not even texting another guy is worth it. Since then i have been 100% honest with my boyfriend about who i talk with, who might be hitting on me etc.

I think, even though what i did was a mistake, a terrible one, it made sense. When you have been with the same person all your life and from such a young age, at some point you will be curious. That's what it was curiosity and i am glad i cut it short. And i know also know that satisfying that curiosity is not worth the guilt.

I know i want to be with him, at least for now i want to keep trying. that does not mean we will be together forever but i do not want that stupid kiss which i passively accepted to mark the end of all the work we have put in our relationship. I am happy, yes it is hard it is hard to be 22 and (with all the social pressure to "have more experiences" ) choose the same person every day for six years. It is hard and we have both made mistakes. We were children when we met and we are still trying to figure out how to be adults.

I chose not to tell him because if he was in the exact same situation i would not want to know. What i am afraid of is emotional affairs. If he had kissed someone in a situation like this and then never talked to her again i would eventually forgive him. What makes me sad is the fact that he struggles with his self esteem those past few months and he always tells me that he is afraid i might leave him or i might cheat on him. so i know that if i tell him he will think all of his fears became true and i will break his trust forever. I don't wanna do that, i prefer being the one with the guilt that telling him just to unburden me. On the other hand he deserves to know the truth so he can decide whether he forgives me or not but i am just scared. scared to hurt him and scared to lose him. We have broken up before for some months and it was the worst period of my life. It is not that i need him, i can live without him, i have been living abroad for two years and i have gone through some very difficult stuff on my own, i can be independent. I just feel like i have found my person and i don't want to ruin everything because of this. I was going through a very hard time back then, i did know know what i wanted or who i were so this "date" with the guy was kind of a desperate attempt to try and figure out what was going on in my mind. I was unwell at the time and my boyfriend to see it. I was really hurt. It was not his fault he was working all summer and he was busy and tired and i did not do the best job at expressing my being unwell. I just wanted him to notice and he didn't, So i don't know maybe that kiss was an attempt to feel something? to feel better? To punish myself? It really turned out to be punishment.

anyways he would never understand. I have some anxiety and compulsive disorder issues and my boyfriend perceives that as "you have a complicated thought process". It is not his fault that he does not get the problematic way my mind works in. The point is if i were to tell him all this he would stop listening the moment he would hear the word "kiss". I wish he was not so absolute about that. I know i deserve to be forgiven but i know he would never forgive me. If i decide to tell him i would have to be ready to lose him. My therapist says to embrace what happened as an experience that taught me things. I really hope i will manage to forgive me at some point

OP posts:

Ocrumbs · 19/12/2022 08:21

PainfulAnkles · 19/12/2022 08:18

Op hasn’t said anything about wanting to break up.
You bitter people need to learn the line.
What is it with the obsession to tell everyone yo break up…

During the summer I was suffering from severe anxiety and it was a time when i had to take some very important decision about my life. i was under so much pressure and he could not help me and i felt disappointed and sad and even though i loved him more than anything i was thinking of breaking up with him so i could get to know myself as an independent woman and decide about my future independently this is the part that makes me think she should break up with him. That and the guilt of this kiss will eat her up.

SuspiciousBanana · 19/12/2022 08:23

Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’re still so young at 22. It was just a kiss. A one off kiss like that means nothing because nothing has come of it. It was a silly mistake!

suckinglem0ns · 19/12/2022 08:24

@PainfulAnkles because we are mostly older and wiser and have seen how this 'young love together 4ever' often pans out.
Your typing style suggests you're young so I get why you're feeling defensive and protective about the bf and young love. An OP doesn't need to tell us they want to leave a relationship for us to think leaving is wise, like why are you even conflating the two?
Are you a young man by any chance?

DuncanBiscuits · 19/12/2022 08:24

Does your boyfriend ask you to report to him on who you’ve been speaking to, and who might have been hitting on you, or is it you that feels compelled to do so?

hugefanofcheese · 19/12/2022 08:26

Leaving aside your age and the intensity of this relationship, I would advise anyone who had had a one off drunken snog that they bitterly regretted, had no intention of repeating, and other parties were not likely to share, to keep it to themselves and suck up the feelings of guilt and self reproach and don't do it again. I feel like it would cause disproportionate upset. If your current relationship has run its course (and this may be a sign), then end it kindly.

Ocrumbs · 19/12/2022 08:26

So do you think he would want to know? Don't think about if he'd leave you or not. Think about him.

suckinglem0ns · 19/12/2022 08:26

@PainfulAnkles and guess who ends up being bitter? Those who stay in a dead relationship or settle down far too young. It works out maybe 1/100 times sure I accept that but for the vast majority you aren't ready to be or choose a life partner when you are 16 which is when op would have got together with her long distance boyfriend. If that makes me bitter then I'll gladly wear the badge.

Original poster

emmafoxx · 19/12/2022 08:30

@DuncanBiscuits He used to be jealous but he has worked on it and he learned not to pressure me. He is very understanding and no he has never asked me to report anything. I believe it is the guilt that is making me feeling compelled to share all these things with him

OP posts:

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