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Original poster

Question about erectile dysfunction

28 replies

candycane10 · 18/12/2022 21:31

This may be a really stupid question but is it possible for a partner to suffer from ED without you knowing?

My bf of almost a year doesn't seem very interested in sex with me and it's more or less been this way the whole time. We do occasionally have sex and it's amazing....

I'm divorced with 2 DS and had a horrible time dating for a long time. Can honestly say this is the best relationship I've had in terms of happiness, fun, general compatibility. He's loving, affectionate and very tactile. I've never been with anyone this 'touchy feely' and physically affectionate. BUT we don't have sex very often.

I've considered that he might just not be that into me. However, we've got no financial ties, no shared dc so if he wasn't that into me he could just leave. If he wasn't into me what would he be sticking around for?

I've brought it up multiple times and there have been so many different reasons given that I'm now doubting what he's saying. He's not been feeling well/had a bad back/ tiredness/stress but always assured me it's not me.

I can't get my head round why he would be coming up with constant excuses to avoid more frequent sex. One thing I've been wondering about is ED. When we do have sex he has no problem getting or maintains and erection but it's always very much on his terms, ie it only happens when he instigates.

Could it be that he avoids it other times as he's worried about getting an erection or is it something that would happen consistently (ie would he struggle every time?

I know the obvious answer is to communicate but I've tried. Other than this one issue he's very open and otherwise a really good communicator so I'm wondering if he's embarrassed/ashamed.

If it was ED or medical related I would 100% stay with him and work through it. It would almost be a relief as I'm otherwise happy and could compromise on the frequency of the sex for all the other amazing things in the relationship. The single biggest issue is what the rejection is doing to my self esteem - if I knew it wasn't personal I'd be so much relaxed about it and would be very supportive of him.

Can ED only impact men some of the time or is it always an issue every time?

OP posts:
PaleGreenFrontDoor · 18/12/2022 21:47

I don't know why you're asking us. We don't know, and he doesn't seem to want to tell you. I do know one thing though, this will destroy you and your confidence in the end.

Original poster
candycane10 · 18/12/2022 21:54

Im only asking as I'm wondering if it's a possibility, or if the fact he can have sex with no issues at other times means it's definitely not ED.

He's said it's mainly down to tiredness/stress and I don't know if the tiredness/stress is causing ED....or if it's another excuse.

The way I see it, if it is ED then it's a medical condition and I wouldn't want to end an otherwise amazing relationship over an issue that's not his fault.

If it is ED and he's unwilling to open up or seek help thats another issue but if it is I can understand his reluctance

OP posts:
category12 · 18/12/2022 21:56

Maybe he's using viagra when he instigates?

bluejelly · 18/12/2022 21:59

Maybe he just has a low sex drive. How frequent/infrequent is it?

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 22:05

ED - probably not an issue.

More likely a sex drive issue, and the question is what???

Does he have stressfull job?
Have have noisy or nosy kids in the room next door?
Money worries?
Is he an active guy?
Ages of you both?
Do you keep yourself clean?
(I had this with a gf who didn’t have a very thorough hygene thing and i have a big and very sensitive nose! It’s a turn off if someone isn’t minty fresh, and it’s an impossible one to bring up, if you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings)

There’s a million things that can cause issues in sexual drive…. What do you think would cause a low sex drive for him?

category12 · 18/12/2022 22:13

I think it's quite sad that your relationship has missed the initial passion stage where you can't keep your hands off each other and you're at it like rabbits, tho.

It may be this is as good as it gets sexually if he has a low libido. I mean there's generally a slide in frequency as couples become established, so if you're not having much, the slide is likely to be towards none.

YRGAM · 18/12/2022 22:22

Men aren't shagging robots. Their sex drive can be affected by stress and outside factors, just like a woman's sex drive can. He's already told you he's suffering from stress and pain, so that's why he doesn't want to have sex. Would you want to have sex if you were stressed and in pain? If not, why do you expect him to have sex if he's stressed and in pain?

Original poster
candycane10 · 18/12/2022 22:38

YRGAM · 18/12/2022 22:22

Men aren't shagging robots. Their sex drive can be affected by stress and outside factors, just like a woman's sex drive can. He's already told you he's suffering from stress and pain, so that's why he doesn't want to have sex. Would you want to have sex if you were stressed and in pain? If not, why do you expect him to have sex if he's stressed and in pain?

Of course I wouldn't. It's just getting to the post where it seems to be constant stress/pain to the extent I'm wondering if he's trying to avoid it

OP posts:
Original poster
candycane10 · 18/12/2022 22:41

We're both late 30s. He has what I'd describe as a moderately stressful job - pressure to meet targets etc

During "good periods" I'd say it would be once a week. I'd be happy with this but it's not consistent and I'm worried it's getting less as time goes on. This time I'd guess it's been twice in 7 weeks due to him having a cold. I can genuinely see he has a cold but other than a few days I can't imagine it being something that would make me feel ill enough to be completely off sex

OP posts:
Haveahappyholiday · 18/12/2022 22:44

I also thought viagra when he occasionally instigates.

Original poster
candycane10 · 18/12/2022 22:45

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 22:05

ED - probably not an issue.

More likely a sex drive issue, and the question is what???

Does he have stressfull job?
Have have noisy or nosy kids in the room next door?
Money worries?
Is he an active guy?
Ages of you both?
Do you keep yourself clean?
(I had this with a gf who didn’t have a very thorough hygene thing and i have a big and very sensitive nose! It’s a turn off if someone isn’t minty fresh, and it’s an impossible one to bring up, if you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings)

There’s a million things that can cause issues in sexual drive…. What do you think would cause a low sex drive for him?

No money worries, no dc in the house at the times I'd even consider it. Late 30s and both healthy(ish), not particularly sporty but have food diets etc.

Surely if it was a problem with hygiene etc he'd just end it. It's a reasonably new relationship and we have no ties to each other, we live separately and he doesn't gain financially by being with me. He's an attractive man with a lot goign for him so he wouldn't struggle to meet someone else

OP posts:
Original poster
candycane10 · 18/12/2022 22:47

Haveahappyholiday · 18/12/2022 22:44

I also thought viagra when he occasionally instigates.

It is possible. On those occasions he's already hard when he makes a move.

I guess I'm not that familiar with viagra and thought it would be obvious, would last for hours etc but that's not the case (not that I have any complaints!)

OP posts:
Oakbeam · 18/12/2022 22:48

Im only asking as I'm wondering if it's a possibility, or if the fact he can have sex with no issues at other times means it's definitely not ED.

Perhaps he has to save up for the tablets.

Mydogatemypurse · 18/12/2022 22:49

Stress, smoking? Alcohol?

Freezingfreda · 18/12/2022 22:50

Probably low sex drive

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 18/12/2022 22:52

Thing is, viagra can help with an erection, but it can't work without desire/drive.

Original poster
candycane10 · 18/12/2022 22:52

Mydogatemypurse · 18/12/2022 22:49

Stress, smoking? Alcohol?

He's a non-smoker and rarely drinks. He does say stress. Personally I can't see his life as particularly stressful but I guess that's subjective

OP posts:
BagOfGin · 18/12/2022 22:53

Anxiety can give a man ED some of the time. Maybe he's failed to get it up occasionally in the past and so when you make a move he doesn't want the same thing to happen, so he declines.

If he only makes a move when he's already hard, then maybe he feels comfortable initiating it because he knows he's not going to "fail".

category12 · 18/12/2022 22:53

No, there's varieties of erectile dysfunction drugs, and they just make him able to get hard. Usually the guy would take it a bit beforehand and is able to have sex normally, perhaps have a quicker refractory period for more sex. It doesn't necessarily turn it into a heroic performance.

category12 · 18/12/2022 22:55

I mean it can 😀 But used judiciously it can just look like unassisted sex.

CatLick · 19/12/2022 09:37

A reasonably healthy 30 something male is unlikely to have a "technical" ED issue. Stress can have a major impact but that would spill out into the rest of his life. It sounds like he has a lower drive than you. This isn't his fault but it's unlikely to get more frequent. He sounds like a great guy so you either need to live with it or negotiate a middle ground....

Twoshoesnewshoes · 19/12/2022 09:42

Being hard already does suggest he may have taken the blue pill…
there are lots of medical reasons why he may have ED - low blood pressure, muscular issues, something ‘structural’ .

Bigjigwig · 19/12/2022 10:49

@candycane10 I had this with an ex. There wasn’t really any spur of the moment sex like I had in previous relationships. It always seemed like I had to wait for him to instigate and as time went on it became less and less. I was also confused like you as he was very physically affectionate, lots of kisses, cuddles, hand holding, but I sensed some anxiety around sex at times. Like you, my ex gave excuses, and it shattered my self esteem. The worst part is, if there is an issue, he should be open and honest. Then you can work through it as a couple. It’s the secrecy that’s a killer, as you will be questioning if it’s you, If he fancies you. Looking back, I think my ex took viagra at times in the early stages of our relationship where we only saw each other a couple of times a week but when we lived together he wasn’t able to plan ahead like that. So he avoided sex instead. I still don’t have the answer though as sometimes he would wake up with morning glory so didn’t have chance to take a tablet beforehand. It was very confusing. I think unless he is honest with you, this is only going to get worse as time goes on.

starrynight21 · 19/12/2022 10:56

Sounds like Viagra or Cialis to me. I had a similar situation with DH when we were first together, it took a while before I realised that sex was always planned, never spontaneous. Once I knew , it was fine . We talked about it and once we did that, everything was fine. He just takes what he needs and we have very good sex for that limited amount of time.

Your partner sounds like he is having an ED problem. Either just go along with it or try to have a conversation about it. He is probably embarrassed.

saltofcelery · 19/12/2022 10:58

He's an attractive man with a lot goign for him so he wouldn't struggle to meet someone else

Most women wouldn't put up with feeling unwanted during the initial stages of a relationship.

If my husband now developed ED, I would be really supportive. However, if he had little interest when we first got together, the relationship wouldn't have went anywhere. You seemed to have skipped past the honeymoon stage, which is really sad.

In answer to your question, it won't get any better. So either put up with feeling unwanted or move on.