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Original poster

Am I needy?

27 replies

Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 20:54

OK need opinions, not judgement please, so In relationship 11years plus, kids and engaged to be married...... I just wana know does anyone always want to go out with there partner, everytime a night Is planned I always try and include him even girls nights I rarely go, unless boyfriends go, so then he can,... But with him he has no problem going on nights himself, don't get me wrong he's a good man, very family oriented, but we sometimes see things different....... For instance... Last weekend was his friends 30th birthday and everyone was getting together for drinks but he had to work so I decided against going myself because I felt bad on him missing out, so then I heard after work he called in to everyone (he works in a pub so got there at 3)mean while I'm at home??? Like my point is if he had said oh il call in after I would have went nd just caught up with him later..., but he had said he wouldn't be going he would be coming straight home as he had work again tomrow, but he went...... Am I wrong or is he wrong?? I know to some this sounds pretty.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/12/2022 21:00

If it's upset you, it's upset you. You don't have to judge yourself. Your partner should care if you're upset. Does he care? Was it him who said you were needy?

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2022 21:02

I do think you sound quite needy; tbh, I’m quite happy to go out without my husband though- why do you want him to go all the time? Bet your friends love you trying to bring him to girls night as well 🙄

Asterales · 18/12/2022 21:03

I would find your approach needy, yes. Do your friends not mind that you try to bring him on nights out with them and don't go unless you can bring him? That seems unusual and I don't think it's surprising that he doesn't reciprocate.

Zanatdy · 18/12/2022 21:04

You sound very needy, why would you take a boyfriend on a girls night out?

RefuseTheLies · 18/12/2022 21:06

If my friends asked to bring their husband or boyfriend along to a girls’ night I’d be a bit confused.

Ijuststoodonlego · 18/12/2022 21:08

I'd try not to over analyse. Keep the night with the girls for you. Let him have his thing with the lads. As long as the trust is there and the approach is balanced. Important that both of you are happy and you get together/or alone time too. You sound considerate and you'd be right in expecting him to show same level of consideration for you.

Original poster
Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 21:09

OK like I said I don't need ur judgement,.. I don't know why I am the way I am, I said tat wen I would be invited on girls nights that I would encourage them to invite partners to, I don't know why... Advice why am I like this?

OP posts:
LabradorEyes · 18/12/2022 21:12

Yes, you do sound very needy. Difficult to know why. Is this a new thing? Did you live on your own before you met him?

Original poster
Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 21:15

Ok so I need to get out more yes, some tips please, I just don't feel desired anymore I feel just like a mom 😞 that's the ting he's my safe place I trust him millions its not that I just love his company,

OP posts:
Neveragain85 · 18/12/2022 21:19

Does he have a problem with you going out without him?

Original poster
Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 21:23

I don't tink so, but because he works In a bar, he often goes to a friends after work for a drink, but it annoys me so much because he calls it work wen in fact he's having a good time, I understand how I sound I rely do, I just need to make some changes to me I want him to desire me again, I want him to be jealous over me, is that weird??

OP posts:
chevvyroo · 18/12/2022 21:25

Having a a few friends and interests of your own will go a long way towards how he sees you. An interesting, independent woman who is with him because she wants to be, not because she needs to be. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

Opentooffers · 18/12/2022 21:28

By definition a girls night does not include partners, otherwise its not a 'girls' night, it's a couples night. If he's fine about a lads night, why are you not going on girls nights? Yes it's a bit odd to be so joined at the hip. Most people with families go out separate as they don't have babysitters on tap so one stays home and vice/versa. That's why date nights are a thing, as it's sometimes rare that people can go out together when they have DC.

StarDolphins · 18/12/2022 21:32

I do think you sound needy & why on earth would you want him to be jealous? I see jealousy as not a nice thing, I want to be trusted & be with someone independent, not someone jealous. But I don’t like insecure/jealous e boyfriends, I like confident ones.

also, worth noting. Jealous people are quite often the ones not to be trusted!

Original poster
Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 21:35

When I say jealous I mean that he will look and see more then his kids mammy,i just am so stuck in a rut, feel miserable, need start working on my self

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 18/12/2022 21:36

No man should or wants to be responsible for being your sole company. Independence can be an attractive quality, the reverse is true if you always make yourself available, you get taken for granted that way.
Go on your girls nights without him, he may appreciate what you do and are if you are not around and he has to look after the DC while you are out.

GerbilsForever24 · 18/12/2022 21:41

Yes, you sound needy and insecure. I don't know why you are like this but I think you should deal with it and practice having something outside of him.

I don't blame you for being annoyed that he said he wasn't going to go, and then he went after all. That's a separate issue.

Opentooffers · 18/12/2022 21:42

OK, so next time you get a girls night invite, get your glad rags on and go out while he looks after the DC. You won't be seen as just a mummy then.

EJRB · 18/12/2022 21:48

Do you ever go out just you two? Why don’t you say right once a month you’ll go out for dinner and drinks just you two, perfect opportunity to get dressed up and feel good about yourself plus it’ gives you something to look forward to

personally I wouldn’t have an issue with him spending time with friends as long as he still made the effort with me - I think it’s healthy to have time apart. DP doesn’t go out drinking really but will usually go out twice a month round a friends house for a kebab or out for a meal with work friends. Im not into heavy drinking and far too tired to go out out with my friends so my alone time is spent going for a meal with a friend or just chilling up stairs in the bath having a pamper session

FrostyBits · 18/12/2022 22:12

Reading your subsequent posts it sounds to me like you are feeling unattractive and like he doesn't notice you, and that by insisting your nights out turn into nights out with both of you sounds to me like you are 'hanging onto' him and trying to make him notice you. I may have this wrong so please don't be offended. When I say 'hanging onto' him what I mean is that when I was younger (older and wiser now) if I thought a boyfriend was losing interest I overcompensated by being in his face and wanting to spend time with him all the time. It sounds to me like this is what you're doing albeit it in a more grown up way than I did it! But it sounds like your insecurity about your attractiveness to him and feeling like just a mum is coming across in a needy way and that you're trying to get him to 'see' you.

Sorry if I'm way off the mark here.

Original poster
Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 22:19

Frosty..... Yes u could be right but were together over 11 urs like why am I like this

OP posts:
cantley · 18/12/2022 22:28

He's not wrong to make a last minute decision to go to something without you.

mondaytosunday · 18/12/2022 22:41

Sounds more like you have a problem going out without him.
I hate it when someone wants to bring partners to a girls night - changes the dynamic completely.
If he's happy to go out with his mates then you go out with yours, but it seems you are not happy with either of these situations. I don't know why you are like this - that's just you. I don't quite understand it but that doesn't mean it's wrong. But you have to accept that other people want to do things differently, see things differently, and value things differently.
Trying to make him jealous is a foolish game to play. You could just try and enjoy stuff without him so you don't feel left at home alone. You want him to cherish you more, but you can't MAKE him.
Find a time when you are both alone and not stressed and sit down and talk to him about how you feel, and then shut up and LISTEN to him talk about how he feels. Be prepared that they may not jive, but hopefully a compromise can be reached to enable you both to reconnect on the level you wish.

STARCATCHER22 · 18/12/2022 22:46

Mammymanic · 18/12/2022 21:09

OK like I said I don't need ur judgement,.. I don't know why I am the way I am, I said tat wen I would be invited on girls nights that I would encourage them to invite partners to, I don't know why... Advice why am I like this?

How do your friends feel about this?

Personally, I would hate it if I tried to arrange a night with my friends and someone kept trying to include partners too.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you always want him to go out with you/you to go out with him. Are you worried about what he’ll do when he’s out without you/you’re out without him?

GreyCarpet · 19/12/2022 00:22

You want him to not want you to go out without him because that will prove to you that he still desires you but he doesn't stop you so you impose those restrictions on yourself as a form of punishment/emotional self harm.

You want him to be jealous because you fear that he is losing interest and want him to fear losing you.

You think that by turning down nights out without him he will do the same and you get upset when he doesn't.

You're playing games designed to get him to prove himself to you rather than talking to him.

You feel the need to keep a right grip on him so that you don't lose him.