So I have chosen a completely different path to my mother in life. I have chosen a life where I can be present with my children while also working. My sister is a SAHM and it’s no coincidence neither one of us wanted a great career but rather investing in our families. My mother chose the opposite, she not only chose work out of necessity once my father passed away when I was very young , she was a workaholic. She could have gone home after her workday ended, but she didn’t, she worked 12hour days without even getting paid extra. At weekends she complained how she hated her job and the endless issues she had with whoever at that time. All she talked about was her work and the problems with her work. It continues to this day, she calls to moan about her work but doesn’t really take any interest in my or my children’s lives.
So after working two years in a highly demanding job, where they expected me to work for free in the evenings and weekends I quit. I decided this life isn’t for me, I did not want to, and could not live my life that way. I believe you make your own happiness and if you’re not happy, you should change it. It’s worth noting though that I quit 3 years before I had children (knowing and planning I would one day very much want children and to be present in their lives) and 6months before I even met my husband. I knew I didn’t want the demanding job like that with a family.
Anyways, met my husband who has a very successful career and is a high earner which is able to provide for us a big house, nice cars, children have more they could wish for, can have any hobbies they want, we go on holidays etc. I work as a childminder, and I love it. I do it because I am happier working than if I didn’t work. I am exhausted in the evenings, but in a good way, exhausted from all the fun we have had that I fall straight to sleep. I have no stress, yes it’s exhausting if one of the kids is having a bad day, but they are generally good kids and happy. I consider myself very lucky to be able to do something I love and to be able to create fun memories with my children. My children open up to me about things, I was six when I realised and made the decision I would not talk about my feelings to my mother because of the way she acted as a result. I am present in my childrens lives, in ways mother never was.
She never checked if I had done my homework, after school I traveled 1 hour on the bus on my own from age 9, once I even walked that distance as I lost my bus card, I was cooking my own meals and have burnt marks in my hands from it. I don’t think it’s a surprise I would want to just be there for my children.
She gave me a call yesterday that just furiated my husband, I got upset, but calmed down as I don’t want to let her ruin my mood. I was happy before the call and lifted my spirits up again, but it still bothers me. I forgive my mother, and I always defend her to my husband saying she was on her own and it was hard. But I can’t forget. I remember being in the car terrified as she was screaming she would drive the car to a wall. There’s loads of things she has done that I could never tell anyone.
Anyways she was saying how I should get a proper job and be selfish and think about myself. That I need to save for a pension. Obviously I am. And we are saving my salary so what is the issue, why would I need to choose to be away from my young children to do a job I hate to earn more money.
She has a job that is really highly respected and seems more glorious than it is. But she doesn’t have anything to show for it, she hasn’t even paid her mortgage off, she doesn’t have a car. She used to always blame us for not having anything but she hasn’t given me a single penny in 15years. She doesn’t see us, her children, very often and my children don’t even want to speak to her on the phone. She’s not very nice to my DD, and favour my nephew but that’s another story.
In every aspect of my life I have tried to do the opposite to her. And I have found happiness. It was my counsellor who first pointed out to me that it was my mother who had a problem, not me. Unfortunately I don’t think she ever will find happiness. It’s sad she’s not able to see the reasons why I would make the choices I have made, that she thinks I must be sad ‘just sitting at home’ (she has no idea of the fun we have and how busy we are). She also said at least both my children have looked after their own children, when her friend started fostering her grandchild. Just comparing us to someone facing such sad circumstances like that is showing she thinks we have failed.
Her career and life looks good on the outside to someone who barely know her, but our life is good on the inside. We actually have a happy family life. I can’t recall a single happy memory with my mother, without it being clouded by arguments etc. There was always that unhappy cloud. If my children have some happy memories, I will be happy and feel I have succeeded in life.
My husband was furious, he says how can she say that when I am raising the family basically on my own (he is away with work a lot) and running my own successful business. She is sometimes wondering why we have both decided to concentrate on family when she has ‘a successful career’ and I have felt like pointing out these reasons but feel I can’t as I know in the end she didn’t have a choice and I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her.
She is coming here in January for two weeks and I am already dreading it, I can’t believe the things she will be saying if she comes along with us to any playgroups, for example how horrible it must be for me to look after 3 children. In a way I want to just try to get along with her, but it’s just so hard. I don’t think she will ever understand the reason why I am doing what I do, just as I will never understand how she can be so difficult, apart from having had a difficult life.