Overbearing mother not happy with my life choices

[LongStoryShorty]

So I have chosen a completely different path to my mother in life. I have chosen a life where I can be present with my children while also working. My sister is a SAHM and it’s no coincidence neither one of us wanted a great career but rather investing in our families. My mother chose the opposite, she not only chose work out of necessity once my father passed away when I was very young , she was a workaholic. She could have gone home after her workday ended, but she didn’t, she worked 12hour days without even getting paid extra. At weekends she complained how she hated her job and the endless issues she had with whoever at that time. All she talked about was her work and the problems with her work. It continues to this day, she calls to moan about her work but doesn’t really take any interest in my or my children’s lives.

So after working two years in a highly demanding job, where they expected me to work for free in the evenings and weekends I quit. I decided this life isn’t for me, I did not want to, and could not live my life that way. I believe you make your own happiness and if you’re not happy, you should change it. It’s worth noting though that I quit 3 years before I had children (knowing and planning I would one day very much want children and to be present in their lives) and 6months before I even met my husband. I knew I didn’t want the demanding job like that with a family.

Anyways, met my husband who has a very successful career and is a high earner which is able to provide for us a big house, nice cars, children have more they could wish for, can have any hobbies they want, we go on holidays etc. I work as a childminder, and I love it. I do it because I am happier working than if I didn’t work. I am exhausted in the evenings, but in a good way, exhausted from all the fun we have had that I fall straight to sleep. I have no stress, yes it’s exhausting if one of the kids is having a bad day, but they are generally good kids and happy. I consider myself very lucky to be able to do something I love and to be able to create fun memories with my children. My children open up to me about things, I was six when I realised and made the decision I would not talk about my feelings to my mother because of the way she acted as a result. I am present in my childrens lives, in ways mother never was.

She never checked if I had done my homework, after school I traveled 1 hour on the bus on my own from age 9, once I even walked that distance as I lost my bus card, I was cooking my own meals and have burnt marks in my hands from it. I don’t think it’s a surprise I would want to just be there for my children.

She gave me a call yesterday that just furiated my husband, I got upset, but calmed down as I don’t want to let her ruin my mood. I was happy before the call and lifted my spirits up again, but it still bothers me. I forgive my mother, and I always defend her to my husband saying she was on her own and it was hard. But I can’t forget. I remember being in the car terrified as she was screaming she would drive the car to a wall. There’s loads of things she has done that I could never tell anyone.

Anyways she was saying how I should get a proper job and be selfish and think about myself. That I need to save for a pension. Obviously I am. And we are saving my salary so what is the issue, why would I need to choose to be away from my young children to do a job I hate to earn more money.

She has a job that is really highly respected and seems more glorious than it is. But she doesn’t have anything to show for it, she hasn’t even paid her mortgage off, she doesn’t have a car. She used to always blame us for not having anything but she hasn’t given me a single penny in 15years. She doesn’t see us, her children, very often and my children don’t even want to speak to her on the phone. She’s not very nice to my DD, and favour my nephew but that’s another story.

In every aspect of my life I have tried to do the opposite to her. And I have found happiness. It was my counsellor who first pointed out to me that it was my mother who had a problem, not me. Unfortunately I don’t think she ever will find happiness. It’s sad she’s not able to see the reasons why I would make the choices I have made, that she thinks I must be sad ‘just sitting at home’ (she has no idea of the fun we have and how busy we are). She also said at least both my children have looked after their own children, when her friend started fostering her grandchild. Just comparing us to someone facing such sad circumstances like that is showing she thinks we have failed.

Her career and life looks good on the outside to someone who barely know her, but our life is good on the inside. We actually have a happy family life. I can’t recall a single happy memory with my mother, without it being clouded by arguments etc. There was always that unhappy cloud. If my children have some happy memories, I will be happy and feel I have succeeded in life.

My husband was furious, he says how can she say that when I am raising the family basically on my own (he is away with work a lot) and running my own successful business. She is sometimes wondering why we have both decided to concentrate on family when she has ‘a successful career’ and I have felt like pointing out these reasons but feel I can’t as I know in the end she didn’t have a choice and I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her.

She is coming here in January for two weeks and I am already dreading it, I can’t believe the things she will be saying if she comes along with us to any playgroups, for example how horrible it must be for me to look after 3 children. In a way I want to just try to get along with her, but it’s just so hard. I don’t think she will ever understand the reason why I am doing what I do, just as I will never understand how she can be so difficult, apart from having had a difficult life.

She has a job that is really highly respected and seems more glorious than it is. But she doesn’t have anything to show for it, she hasn’t even paid her mortgage off, she doesn’t have a car.

This makes you seem quite shallow and materialistic. She is doing a well respected job, but that counts for nothing because she isn't as well off as you and your DH. Maybe she chooses to spend her money on different things - including raising ungrateful children. Wait til your wee ones grow up and judge you. 'She had a big house and a car but had nothing to show for it, she never did anything'. Can you really reduce the value of your mother's contribution to life to her ability to achieve material success?

My mother chose the opposite, she not only chose work out of necessity once my father passed away when I was very young , she was a workaholic

So not a choice at all, a necessity to raise two children after being left high and dry.

Why are her long unpaid hours indicative of her selfishness whilst your husband's long hours are noble and self sacrificing (but that that self sacrificing if he wouldn't want to look after the kids)?

It seems you are applying one set of standards to her and an altogether difference set to your husband. Everything did which you don't like is a choice whilst your DH's long hours are rationalised.

As for you protecting your own future and its good advice. She is speaking as a woman who was left to raise her children alone and at her age will have seen the same happen to many other women; often those you least expect.

I would give the same advice to my own DC - you never know what will happen in life, even if you soft pedal work for a while you need to protect your long term interests.

Op on some level I think there needs to be some acceptance that your mother did her best at the time. Security and the sheer enormity and responsibility of raising children all by herself - it must have been huge.
Maybe she has her own private regrets that she did not have more time for you and your sister, but I rather hope she doesn't beat herself up about it. What else could she have done? She needed you to be fed, looked after and safe.

I guess she thinks you are in an equally vulnerable position, if your husband walks out, as hers did and your safety and security is shattered over night maybe she worries a childminding job simply won't be enough? Coming from her own frame of reference and experience, she may see your situation as precarious, and not the loving cosy set up you see it as. You feel secure, but your mother may have felt secure once and found out the hard way.

The fact you seem to be so defensive that you must be the one to provide care and be with your children tells me you were deeply affected as a child, and it might be worth going back to counselling? It is not a problem, you can do as you please - but it is worth just thinking through what you would do if circumstances DID change. Perhaps that would also comfort your mum?

As for a two week stay?? No way! This plan needs some revision. Is she staying with you?

I might add that if my mum had raised me alone, and with a full on job I might actually feel love for her, and maybe even pride that she managed? She might be flinty, full of contradictions but she did all she could. What has your father done to support your well being? Your childhood? Looking after you every day?

I think you are being quite hard on her.
Being a career woman was her only way to survive (for all of you to survive in tact) thats what it sounds like to me, and there might be some rough edges to her as a result, but I would try to find some respect and understanding, and maybe compassion for those edges and her sacrifice and the fact she is hardly rolling in cash for all of her troubles now. She doesn't even have a car. She deserves a great deal more respect than you are giving her op.

Can you do that loving, breezy but very direct way of dealing with her. E.g. Mum, I love you and I admire your wrk ethic and yoru sccess, but I tried that life and I didn't want it. I enjoy what I do and it makes me happy and my children secure, so please don't worry about it and judge it. I know you do this out of concern, but there's no need.' Then aquick hug or whatever you do to show appreciation and change the subject.

If she persists, grey rock her criticisms with, 'And yet, I love it,' "And yet it makes me happy.' 'It works for me.' etc.

What else is going on between your family and your mum? Why doesn’t your H get on with your mum?

Husbands… they come and go. Mothers…hmmm.

From what I can gather, your mum is a strong, independent woman who raised two children by herself. And when you sacrifice so much, to see your DD leaving herself vulnerable (ie diminished earning potential, SAhM), is scary. Because none of us want our children to have a hard time.

Your mother might be jealous or she might be disappointed by your lack of ambition. You don't have to invite her to stay. You don't even have to be in contact with her. But you might need a competent person on your side if your easy life blows up for any reason.

fifteenohfour settle down. Geez.
OP, live your life, you sound very happy and realise your good fortune.
The only thing I would say is don't try and "over fun" everything to make up for what you didn't get.
You're a new generation and can cut the ties of your mothers expectations.

You sound extremely hypocritical...
Your mum working long hours as a single parent = bad mother, your husband working long hours and weekends = great father and provider..

If I had to choose anyone as the shitty parent I would say its your husband not your mother...he chooses his long hours and to be away from your kids, and you even said it yourself he would love to be a sahd as long as he didn't have to look after the kids...
While your mum had literally no choice after your father died???

Your mother is right to be concerned about your future and suggesting you should find a better paid job. What would happen if ur husband dropped dead tomorrow or he left you for someone else? You would be left with nothing.
I agree that your mum puts your choices down, however you do the same thing about her? You are both as bad as each other. You sound entitled and ungrateful for everything your mother did to raise you.

I wonder how you would feel if in twenty years time your kids say, our mother was lazy woman who got nowhere in life, everything she had was due to dad working hard all hours under the sun while she did nothing because she only wanted to do things that bring her joy. I want to be nothing like my mum, I don't want to be a loser, I would to have a career and earn my lifestyle through my own hard work...

How would that make u feel?
Same way as your mum feels I bet about you throwing everything she did for you in her face.

Accept that you have different viewpoints about life. She values hard work to get ahead in life while you want "memories" and an amazing lifestyle the easy way.

I was basically looking after myself from a young age or with my older sister (she would pick me up from daycare even at 8years old- you wouldn’t be able to do that today but she said my mum was home when she wasn’t - also this wasn’t in the UK.

So is your mother not English? A different cultural background would add to the mix and to expectations around motherhood/careers/children. I grew up in a one parent family, my father died, my mother was Irish, I looked after myself from about 8 onwards. Every period has its pressures, it's really hard when a mother can't reconcile that her daughter's life will be different, so many older women want what they know and think they are right and are unable to see that life changes all the time and each generation is different.

I've always felt guilty that my mother died when I was in my early 20s and it was such a relief because the kind of expectations you are dealing with were able to be left behind. It's your life, enjoy it, more therapy would help if you have the time and money. There's a lot of pain in the situation you are in.

I think 2 weeks over Christmas is too long, is there a way of splitting it up? Spend some of the time with her? Find a cottage a something for you all, change of scene and activities? I don't like the 'grey rock' thing but this also sounds like a situation where it might at least hold things a bay. Good luck, take care.

Is there a way for your husband to be more present with the kids? It seems like your choices, which are very valid, have somewhat forced him in to the position your mother was in when she was bringing you up.

Sounds like therapy would be far more beneficial for you mother rather than you. Maybe a gift voucher for Christmas?

(OK, that's lighthearted. Sort of!)

Have a quick read of Counselling for Toads - A Psychological Adventure; it's really good at explaining the parent/child dynamic. If you want to dive deeper consider remedial hypnosis to reset the parts of your subconscious mind that currently prevent you from dealing with your mother as an equal adult. You won't take unwanted life advice from anyone else, you don't have to take it from her.

I think you need to give your mum a break.

She was made a young widow, suddenly, through no fault of her own and she stepped up and exceled in a career to provide well for you.

Have you ever thought her supposed criticism is fear?

You and your sister landed the jackpot with high earning husbands but what would happen if you became a widow or your DH decided to ditch you and the kids for a workmate?

How would you fare being a single parent on your income?

And what about your DH? You said he's seldom around but somehow he gets a free pass.

This thread has made me think about my own mum

im heart warmed by some of the posts saying to give the mum a break

it’s true , and it’s made me think about my one

OP you criticise your mother for working long hours when she was a single parent yet your husband working long hours and admiting to not wanting to look after his own children is OK? It just shows that you're being quite hard on your mum too.

And it's because of men like your husband that we have such a culture of workoholism among high achievers. They are usually men - who like your husband have wifes at home to make life easier for them so they don't have to go home on time or ask for any flexibility because they are not expected to. It's really hard for mothers to compete in this environment and your mother's working hours could have been a necessity in order to keep the job and progress in her role rather then a real choice.

In the end of the day you both made choices based on your own needs, experiences and opportunities.
They are not right or wrong they are just different. Maybe if you learn to accept her life she will slowly learn to embrace yours. But if she doesn't then that's fine. As hard as it is you don't need her acceptance. You know you made your own decisions and your life is great so that's all that matters.

I do want to forgive her and let go of my resentment. How would I do this?
Through therapy?

That might be the way to do it. Do you feel that perhaps what you need to do is just take her at face value, and accept that she isn't going to change her ways now?

You can't do anything about her, but you can do something about exploring your own feelings, and how you respond to her.

I think op means dh would be a sahd to their kids but not a childminder 😁

Agree with this. You sound like you lack any real awareness of your mum’s situation or her sacrifices. It’s great you’re happy but life can change in the blink of an eye and if you found yourself having to both provide and parent without support then you might be less judgmental.