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Original poster

DC meeting new boyfriend

44 replies

StarBar85 · 18/12/2022 18:36

Been seeing a new boyfriend for about 2 months now, going very well however I know it’s very early days.

I would like opinions on introducing him to my DCs. They are 8 and 6 and their Dad and I have been separated for 2 years. They don’t really see much of him and after he attacked me he isn’t allowed anywhere near me. Any contact is via his Mum.

I’ve had chats with friends and they have different opinions. One thinks I should wait at least 6 months until I introduce him to my DC. The other thinks I should start doing little drop ins, like for a cup of tea or them seeing him for a bit just before they go to bed, to see how they get on. Otherwise I will be investing in a relationship that is a non starter if the kids don’t like him

What did others do? I think I agree with the second friend. I will not introduce him to my family until my DC are comfortable with him so that means no one else meeting him until 8-9 months down the road.

When I say meeting the DC, I mean starting with a cup of tea, being in the car when I drop them down to their nans etc and then slowly building up.

What are others’ experiences?

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/12/2022 18:38

2 months is still early days. I'd wait a bit longer, but think the idea of informal short meetings is a good way to start.
I met my DSC quite soon, but I think that 6 months is a reasonable time to wait.

Floomobal · 18/12/2022 18:41

I would say absolutely not after 2 months. Way too early. 6 months absolute minimum, ideally longer.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 18:42

Well the usual mn rule is waiting a year with references from all 4 of his dgps isn't it?

When I met now dh one November I told my adult dc within a few weeks. Felt deceitful tbh! They welcomed him straight away and suggested he meet their siblings. They all wanted to invite him to share our Christmas.. He came after lunch.

This is our 11th Christmas together!

MeJane · 18/12/2022 18:45

No, I wouldn't do it like that, building up. There is just no need. Just focus on your relationship,between each other at the moment.

Adult children are a completely different situation.

defi · 18/12/2022 18:45

There's really no rush. Enjoy getting to know him and foster a relationship between the two of you. I'd aim for at-least 4months then slowly start name dropping him to the kids before fully introducing the at the 6month mark.

GreyCarpet · 18/12/2022 19:04

Six months is a good rule of thumb.

This is because, after only 2 months - 8 weeks, you can't know if he's someone you'd want to keep seeing or whether you're someone he wants to keep seeing.

Once the children are involved, it becomes harder to be objective abut someone because "the children like him" comes into play too.

6 months isn't a massive amount of time to have invested if he and the children don't get on but, at this stage, you can't possibly know if he's someone you even want around your children. Give it time for the mask to slip. If there is no mask and he's genuinely lovely - great! If there is a mask, you'll be glad you hadn't introduced your children.

GreyCarpet · 18/12/2022 19:06

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 18:42

Well the usual mn rule is waiting a year with references from all 4 of his dgps isn't it?

When I met now dh one November I told my adult dc within a few weeks. Felt deceitful tbh! They welcomed him straight away and suggested he meet their siblings. They all wanted to invite him to share our Christmas.. He came after lunch.

This is our 11th Christmas together!

I've dated with both primary aged/young children and adult children. They're in no way comparable and neither are the timescales.

lunar1 · 18/12/2022 19:07

You don't know him properly at two months. What on earth is the rush?

MadameDe · 18/12/2022 19:12

The question is how you feel about the relationship. My first partner post-divorce my kids never met and I was with him 2 years. In the end, I realised it was because he would never fit in with my life. Current partner they met at 2 months - although it was really casual at first - here he is, a couple of party tricks now he's off home. If you see it going somewhere then it's the right time.

QuillBill · 18/12/2022 19:14

When I met now dh one November I told my adult dc within a few weeks.

I'd say it was quite normal to treat adults differently from eight and six year olds.

Bedazzled22 · 18/12/2022 19:19

I dont see the need 2 months is so early. Whats the rush? Enjoy the relationship its just starting and see what happens.

Floomobal · 18/12/2022 19:19

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 18:42

Well the usual mn rule is waiting a year with references from all 4 of his dgps isn't it?

When I met now dh one November I told my adult dc within a few weeks. Felt deceitful tbh! They welcomed him straight away and suggested he meet their siblings. They all wanted to invite him to share our Christmas.. He came after lunch.

This is our 11th Christmas together!

What a helpful story, added to by the pointless sarcasm of your post. Adult children are EXACTLY like an 8 and a 6 year old, so it’s a great comparison

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 19:28

There is no point op investing months and months if the dc and bf clearly don't get along.
A quick meet up for a mcdonald's or a coffee isn't harmful. Presumably op is allowed friends?

Original poster
StarBar85 · 18/12/2022 19:29

I was actually thinking around 3 months, after new year.

and by introducing I mean him coming round in the evening and if one of the DC got up for a drink. Or if they came back from their nans early and he was just leaving. Not coming on days out or spending significant time with us.

I’m enjoying the time just the two of us but as a single parent it would be nice to have some company one evening without fear of scarring the DC if they caught a glimpse of him

OP posts:
Original poster
StarBar85 · 18/12/2022 19:30

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 19:28

There is no point op investing months and months if the dc and bf clearly don't get along.
A quick meet up for a mcdonald's or a coffee isn't harmful. Presumably op is allowed friends?

This is my thinking too. And tbh when I was having the bathroom refitted in the school holidays they saw the plumber for a significant amount of time too 🤔

OP posts:
IAmTheFire · 18/12/2022 19:31

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 18:42

Well the usual mn rule is waiting a year with references from all 4 of his dgps isn't it?

When I met now dh one November I told my adult dc within a few weeks. Felt deceitful tbh! They welcomed him straight away and suggested he meet their siblings. They all wanted to invite him to share our Christmas.. He came after lunch.

This is our 11th Christmas together!

Adult children are not the same as small children, even more so when they’ve been living with a father who abused their mother. What a stupid post.

OP - don’t do it. 8 weeks is fuck all time.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2022 19:32

You barely even know this man. The man you're seeing now is who he wants you to see. I would wait a minimum of six months. Put the welfare of your kids over your desire for a boyfriend.

Crazykatie · 18/12/2022 19:37

Give it 6 months or more no need to rush, make sure he is a “keeper” first p

IAmTheFire · 18/12/2022 19:38

I mean ffs, I’m a lone parent of 3, have been for 7 years. There is zero chance I’d have a random bloke in my home in the evenings. 8 weeks is still classed as a random bloke.

You need to do more work on yourself - get okay with being alone for a start, alongside how to spot red flags and safeguard your kids.

Oopsiedaisyy · 18/12/2022 19:40

My children are 9 and 14,they met my BF after about 4 months, just quite casually, and they see him every so often now

Original poster
StarBar85 · 18/12/2022 19:44

IAmTheFire · 18/12/2022 19:38

I mean ffs, I’m a lone parent of 3, have been for 7 years. There is zero chance I’d have a random bloke in my home in the evenings. 8 weeks is still classed as a random bloke.

You need to do more work on yourself - get okay with being alone for a start, alongside how to spot red flags and safeguard your kids.

Work on myself? I’m perfectly ok thank you and have been alone for 2 years so I’m not afraid to be alone, I’m not some vulnerable, incapable woman who is trying to fill a hole with just anybody

and via my job I am trained in safeguarding up to the eyeballs

why do some people on here think that if a woman meets a man she must automatically have zero self esteem?

OP posts:
ThirtyThreeTrees · 18/12/2022 19:50

If you are properly trained in safeguarding you wouldn't be thinking of introducing your kids to a random stranger after just 2 months.

What is the rush? Because it certainly isn't for the benefit of your children.

whattodo87 · 18/12/2022 19:54

I waited 6 months to introduce my new fella to my kids.

He left after 2yrs saying that he had to be 'true to himself' in not wanting to be part of a young family.

Not very helpful I know so just do what you think is right for you.

CJat10 · 18/12/2022 19:57

These threads are always barmy with unrealistic suggestions that you live a double life for months or veiled accusations that you are a feckless mother for wanting a relationship.

I introduced my 7 Yr old to DH within about 8 weeks. We went to a theme park. They got on great and she just saw him as a friend. Had it not worked out it wouldn't have been a drama. It is the only man I did introduce her to and the fact I wanted to said a lot about the relationship.

Having been single a long time she was used to getting into bed with me in the morning so once he started sleeping over she used to get in with me whilst he made us all coffee and milk and we all had a cosy chat until time to get up. I always used to imagine the MN collective horror, safeguarding comments etc.

This week, same child (now adult) sent me a spontaneous message saying how he was her father figure and she was always grateful for him in her life. He was and is an amazing father to her....from the off. Had he not been, I wouldn't have had a further date with him. Be sensible about short daytime meetings and know that a good man in all your lives is a lovely thing so you need to judge that as well as your couple chemistry.

Crunchingleaf · 18/12/2022 20:02

For me I think you need to remember that when you first meet someone you see the ‘best’ side of them.
I didn’t do the introduction until I felt me and my now DH had a future together, however that future was dependent on the two of them getting on.
Would I have been heartbroken if they didn’t get on.. sure yes. However, it was best option for DC. As DC mother I have to provide a stable, loving home.