DC meeting new boyfriend

[StarBar85]

Been seeing a new boyfriend for about 2 months now, going very well however I know it’s very early days.

I would like opinions on introducing him to my DCs. They are 8 and 6 and their Dad and I have been separated for 2 years. They don’t really see much of him and after he attacked me he isn’t allowed anywhere near me. Any contact is via his Mum.

I’ve had chats with friends and they have different opinions. One thinks I should wait at least 6 months until I introduce him to my DC. The other thinks I should start doing little drop ins, like for a cup of tea or them seeing him for a bit just before they go to bed, to see how they get on. Otherwise I will be investing in a relationship that is a non starter if the kids don’t like him

What did others do? I think I agree with the second friend. I will not introduce him to my family until my DC are comfortable with him so that means no one else meeting him until 8-9 months down the road.

When I say meeting the DC, I mean starting with a cup of tea, being in the car when I drop them down to their nans etc and then slowly building up.

What are others’ experiences?

Personally I think it’s a bit too soon and 6m would be better. However, if you do decide to do it, evenings would still be a no for me. It should be away from your home in parks etc.

I can never understand this.
It's 2 months !!! of course it's too soon.
What value does it bring to your childs life?

Why can't you just date them for a longer time before you have them around your children.
There are some sacrifices we have to make as parents, this is one of them in my opinion.

I think after a few months is fine, it's just casually meeting here and there and him not going to be around all the time for them to get attached to him.

Because your ex was violent, doesn’t see your children and you think 8 weeks is fine do introduce a random stranger. You are vulnerable because a stable person wouldn’t even consider this.

If you are going to do this, then at the very least don't do it at your home.

If you are properly trained in safeguarding you wouldn't be thinking of introducing your kids to a random stranger after just 2 months.

Exactly. You're trying to justify why injecting him into your kids lives is a good idea after only two months, and that's impossible. It will never be a good idea and your judgement is way off on this matter. The fact you'd even consider this leads me to believe that you are indeed very vulnerable to another abusive man.

Realistically how many times have you actually met him in 8 weeks? (Particularly as single mum of 3 children who barely see their dad…)

He’s still a stranger showing you his best self.

Its very early days
id wait mainly because you don’t know yet if he’s a keeper and you haven’t had many experiences together

what happens if you break up ?
that all said you sound very sensible and every relationship is different

it’s been a year and mine havnt met my one !

What you are planning sounds fine if you trust your judgement. I mean, my answer would be different if you had a habit of picking losers. You’re not introducing him as a partner. What does he think?

Oh, whoops. Missed the last para in your OP. So. Too soon.

This. You would nt have them in your home when your children were there after only 2 months.

My boyfriend met my son (just turned one at the time) 4 months, we were going to wait a bit longer but a situation occurred which meant he had to come and pick me up whilst I had my son, but it worked out perfectly - this was a long time ago, we live together now and he truly loves my son as his own. Although at age 6 and 8 where they are very much aware of what's going on (rather than a baby) I'd try and wait til the 6 month mark until you formally introduce them and get to know more of his mindset and what he expects from the future in that time - he needs to know that you and your kids come as a package, some men aren't ready to take on that role and unfortunately kids get attached etc.

I think 2 months is way too early & I even think 6 months is. I would have to know the person more before I introduced to my DD & for me, it would be way down the line. New relationships people are in best behaviour. I appreciate everyone is different though.

8 weeks is still only 56 days.

You don't even know him yourself yet.

I say wait. 2 or even 3 months is nothing. It's not the same as the plumber coming round bevause you don't care if the kids like the plumber or not. If they like him, or not, it will become a factor. And what you need to know first is whether he is solid. Whether your children should even get to like him in the first place. Your last relationship sounds like it was abusive. 2 years alone doesn't mean much unless you have a really good grasp on why you got involved in that relationship. You need to be sure letting this man in is a wise choice.

Not yet.
He's still on his best behavior at 2 months.

I mentioned DP to mine a few months in and just said his name the odd time. Same his end with his kids. We all met together at the month mark.

I am not sure you can tell anything about how they will get along from a brief glimpse here and there or very short interactions. It is when people spend considerable time all together that the issues pop up, not from a few second / minute interactions.

I am sure within a few weeks he will be staying over and your kids will be getting attached, you just want to pretend that isn’t your goal. Saying that somehow you will be assessing their compatibility from a minute or two together makes no sense.

6 month mark!