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Original poster

Don't know how to react to sister

52 replies

User65432 · 18/12/2022 18:04

I'm in my mid 40s and my sister is a couple of years older than me. We have never been very close either growing up or as adults. We live a few hours apart and keep in touch with a phonecall every two or three weeks. I find it difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation with her, she is competitive with me about very silly things so I tend not to talk too much about what I'm doing. E.g I joined an activity and she constantly asked me how I was getting on and then told me she had joined a similar activity and was doing much better... I don't trust that whatever I say won't be repeated to people we know in common so I try to keep conversations pretty light and casual. This year I had to return to my hometown to attend a funeral and people in my hometown, that I hadn't seen for years, knew more about me than I was comfortable with them knowing as they are now effectively strangers to me. The only way they could have known was from her.

I don't know if she is particularly happy with her life as she' can be quite negative but if I ask her if she's ok, she usually retorts with 'I was thinking the same about you' so I've stopped asking. I speak about the weather, the kids, what I'm cooking for dinner. Really dull conversations but its fine. She doesn't tend to get offended, I don't hang up feeling stressed and it maintains the albeit superficial relationship, which I want to maintain as she is my only remaining family member.

Recently she has been getting very personal and I don't know how to react to it. She's asking about my financial situation but not in a concerned fashion, more in a gloating manner that she has more money. It sounds ridiculous when I'm writing it down but it is getting under my skin. I have children and she doesn't so obviously we have additional expenses. She 'jokingly' told me that I will be paying university fees while she basks in retirement. She aggressively asks in an otherwise light conversation about our financial affairs. It isn't concern as when I (quite obviously) don't answer and change the subject, she repeats the question and then tells me how she is planning her fourth holiday of the year.

It is making me so uncomfortable. I have asked myself if I am uncomfortable with this questioning as perhaps I am subconsciously envious of her but while I am envious of her holidays, I wouldn't swap her life with my own.

I need to know how to thwart off what I feel are intrusive questions. Help!

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 18/12/2022 19:11

Is there any reason to keep up with the phone calls? Doesn't sound like either of you get anything out of them in terms of sisterly love. Perhaps extend them out to every 6/8 weeks and gradually taper them off. Just because you share(d?) parents doesn't mean you have to keep up a relationship with someone you'd otherwise not be friends with.

jellymaker · 18/12/2022 19:15

I'm guessing that she is jealous of you. Jealousy drives some very strange behaviours. She is wanting to undermine you in the only way she can.

Original poster
User65432 · 18/12/2022 20:39

jellymaker · 18/12/2022 19:15

I'm guessing that she is jealous of you. Jealousy drives some very strange behaviours. She is wanting to undermine you in the only way she can.

Why though and how do I stop it?

OP posts:
EatYouNextTuesday · 18/12/2022 20:46

She 'jokingly' told me that I will be paying university fees while she basks in retirement.

You could jokingly point out that when you are both decrepit and in need of care that you will have your lovely children around to help and that she will be left to die alone... but that might be a bit harsh!

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2022 20:50

Cut back on the phone calls.

Original poster
User65432 · 18/12/2022 21:53

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2022 20:50

Cut back on the phone calls.

Yes maybe once monthly is enough. I hang up feeling frustrated and confused.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 22:04

Google grey rock and practice vague answers. Eg how much do you earn? Oh just enough to get by! How much is left on your mortgage 'a few years, not really sure' etc

mondaytosunday · 18/12/2022 22:22

Just tell her to mind her own business! You don't have to tell her anything. If she persists just cut the call short.
My sister is very good at deflecting questions. She gives a vaguee answer then ask me a question or changes the subject. Do that.

Original poster
User65432 · 18/12/2022 22:43

My sister is very good at deflecting questions. She gives a vaguee answer then ask me a question or changes the subject. Do that.

I do but she asks again. It’s awkward as she is quite aggressive. I can hear her voice and tone changing. I can’t ask her the same questions as I I don’t think the same way and think of what I could have said days later. It isn’t just the personal questions, it’s more the put downs in the form of showing off, getting digs in and put downs. . I genuinely don’t want her perfectly ordinary life but she seems to think I do or I should.

I do not know what her issue is but yes I will extend time between calls. I’m on eggshells with her and am relieved when the appropriate time has passed that we can end the call.

For those asking why I continue, she is literally the only living family member.

OP posts:
strictlygoingtomissstrictly · 18/12/2022 22:47

If she asks about money just say that it's not something you're comfortable talking about?

category12 · 18/12/2022 23:08

Perhaps end the phone calls as soon as she starts with anything diggy or invasive - "oh sorry sis, there's someone at the door, catch up next time" or something. Have an excuse at the ready before you pick up the phone.

Every time.

You have a right to have boundaries with her and I'd just avoid giving her the ammunition.

Houseplantmad · 18/12/2022 23:16

It does sound like envy - maybe she wanted a family and you’ve got something she can’t have by having yours. Sounds wearing in any case so definitely stretch the time between calls. Alternatively you could just ask her why she’s obsessed with your finances and see what she says. Then you can say you’re not worried about them so she has no need to be either.

walkinthewoodstoday · 18/12/2022 23:25

Watch Mum on BBC. There is an episode in the final series (think it is called Wednesday) when the main character says that when someone is boasting or gloating, that it is their way of coping with their unhappiness. Food for thought.

Original poster
User65432 · 18/12/2022 23:26

category12 · 18/12/2022 23:08

Perhaps end the phone calls as soon as she starts with anything diggy or invasive - "oh sorry sis, there's someone at the door, catch up next time" or something. Have an excuse at the ready before you pick up the phone.

Every time.

You have a right to have boundaries with her and I'd just avoid giving her the ammunition.

You are absolutely right. I have done that in the past.

And you are also right in that the less she knows about me, the less ammunition she has. I don’t share information but I have done in the past when I was made redundant. I never dreamed it would be brought up years later and used to gloat.

OP posts:
Original poster
User65432 · 18/12/2022 23:48

walkinthewoodstoday · 18/12/2022 23:25

Watch Mum on BBC. There is an episode in the final series (think it is called Wednesday) when the main character says that when someone is boasting or gloating, that it is their way of coping with their unhappiness. Food for thought.

Ive often thought she is unhappy not least because she proclaims what a wonderful life she has. She is married with an ,ok job but doesn’t seem to get on with any colleagues. I imagine if she is the same with them as she is with me, they will be wary of her. She doesn’t have health issues or anything obvious that distresses her but she has a lot of free time.

I’ve previously suggested that I’d like to volunteer with a charity and will when the children are older and maybe she’d be interested too but she’s scoffed at the idea saying she does not have the time. She went on to tell me I’m not busy at all as my children are the busy ones and she wishes I wouldn’t say I was doing things at the weekend when all I aam doing is driving my children places So now I don’t tell her much about their lives either.

Our phone calls are often filled with chat about her planned holidays with barely disguised gloating of every item she has packed to bring. I’ve even suggested she and her husband could buy a place abroad so they could go more often and she replied that they might and they might not do that but I will never do that myself as I will be paying university fees. I find it all exhausting!

OP posts:
walkinthewoodstoday · 18/12/2022 23:54

@User65432 who initiates the e phone calls?
I suggest having her on speaker and doing something else whilst she is jabbering on like cooking etc. she may realise she isn't really taking your interest and end the call more swiftly. Do you think she misses your parents? Did she has a close relationship with your mum. We're your parents like her with the boasting?

Original poster
User65432 · 19/12/2022 00:08

walkinthewoodstoday · 18/12/2022 23:54

@User65432 who initiates the e phone calls?
I suggest having her on speaker and doing something else whilst she is jabbering on like cooking etc. she may realise she isn't really taking your interest and end the call more swiftly. Do you think she misses your parents? Did she has a close relationship with your mum. We're your parents like her with the boasting?

Parents thought the sun shone out of her growing up. Does she miss them? Not particularly. It’s been a very long time. Her recollection is very different to mine. Things were not perfect growing up. She remembers it being a bed of roses. We never discuss the past as she gets very angry if I say I remember things very differently to her. .

OP posts:
maximist · 19/12/2022 00:16

You could make a game of it - tell her you're starting a new hobby and see how long it takes for her to start too, then drop in that you never actually got round to starting it. Make up outrageous things for her to repeat in your home town, then look confused when people repeat them back to you - they'll think she's inventing stories about you.

frazzledasarock · 19/12/2022 00:16

Cut down on phone calls.

agree with her, I’ll be having lots of holidays and you’ll be paying for university. That’s probably true, do you have a bucket list of holidays?? Let her drone on about her life then hang up on her when she starts asking personal questions, got to go so busy speak soon. And hang up on her.

some people are just miserable no matter what they have. Leave her to it.

ProcrastinatingUntilNextYear · 19/12/2022 00:17

She sounds like my sister a little. My sister was golden child and every crown had to sit on her head (she had to win and be best at everything) if I dared to succeed at anything she would start being spiteful. I’m NC with her now.
I think because your sisters focus seems to be your children that is what she is jealous of.

HamBone · 19/12/2022 00:31

One of DH's sister's is competitive and has recently got noticeably worse. Mentioning that we'd like to go somewhere on holiday, for example, results in her saying that she's already been there and knows all about it.

She doesn't have quite the bitchy undertones that your sister does, but I'm starting to suspect that she's not particularly content with her life (I've no idea why) and it's fuelling the competitiveness.

As PP's have advised, extend the time between calls and just let her ramble on while you do something else. I often walk the dog when speaking to difficult family members, multi-tasking makes it more bearable!

Original poster
User65432 · 19/12/2022 01:30

HamBone yes it is weirdly competitive, weird because its a game with only one player. Part of me wants to say just stop it but I tend to pretend it isn't happening because I don't want to fan the flames.

Its strange that apparent unhappiness fuels competitiveness. I tend to withdraw into myself when I'm unhappy whereas she make snippy comments to pull others down. I don't understand how that helps at all.

OP posts:
HamBone · 19/12/2022 03:04

In my SIL's case, I've wondered whether it's age-related. She's 55 and although she looks great (and considerably younger, IMO), I think she might be finding it hard to accept that she's now viewed as an older adult. She's always been odd about her age - when she turned 50, we had to pretend that she wasn't having a significant birthday that year, definitely no cards with "50" on them!

Perhaps your sister is struggling with being close to 50? She may not be where she wants to be with her life and is being competitive with you to make herself feel better?

The reality is though that we all want different things out of life, and you're happy with your choices -so her comparisons are pointless, as well as hurtful.

TiaraBoo · 19/12/2022 03:05

Start asking her for money! Eg - im sooo pleased you’re doing well, just wondering if you have any spare money as I could do with boob job/masters degree/new kitchen…

And agree that you’ll be so poor paying university fees but luckily auntie will be there to pass on inheritance

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 19/12/2022 03:20

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2022 20:50

Cut back on the phone calls.

This

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