Don't know how to react to sister

[User65432]

I'm in my mid 40s and my sister is a couple of years older than me. We have never been very close either growing up or as adults. We live a few hours apart and keep in touch with a phonecall every two or three weeks. I find it difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation with her, she is competitive with me about very silly things so I tend not to talk too much about what I'm doing. E.g I joined an activity and she constantly asked me how I was getting on and then told me she had joined a similar activity and was doing much better... I don't trust that whatever I say won't be repeated to people we know in common so I try to keep conversations pretty light and casual. This year I had to return to my hometown to attend a funeral and people in my hometown, that I hadn't seen for years, knew more about me than I was comfortable with them knowing as they are now effectively strangers to me. The only way they could have known was from her.

I don't know if she is particularly happy with her life as she' can be quite negative but if I ask her if she's ok, she usually retorts with 'I was thinking the same about you' so I've stopped asking. I speak about the weather, the kids, what I'm cooking for dinner. Really dull conversations but its fine. She doesn't tend to get offended, I don't hang up feeling stressed and it maintains the albeit superficial relationship, which I want to maintain as she is my only remaining family member.

Recently she has been getting very personal and I don't know how to react to it. She's asking about my financial situation but not in a concerned fashion, more in a gloating manner that she has more money. It sounds ridiculous when I'm writing it down but it is getting under my skin. I have children and she doesn't so obviously we have additional expenses. She 'jokingly' told me that I will be paying university fees while she basks in retirement. She aggressively asks in an otherwise light conversation about our financial affairs. It isn't concern as when I (quite obviously) don't answer and change the subject, she repeats the question and then tells me how she is planning her fourth holiday of the year.

It is making me so uncomfortable. I have asked myself if I am uncomfortable with this questioning as perhaps I am subconsciously envious of her but while I am envious of her holidays, I wouldn't swap her life with my own.

I need to know how to thwart off what I feel are intrusive questions. Help!

Sounds like you're repeating the patterns from your childhoods, which is natural. You feel unable to contradict or challenge your older, bigger, more favoured sister in cause of reprisals - even though no such reprisals exist anymore (apart from in your subconscious mind).

If you feel up to it you could mention that you've realised that you're both still acting as you did when you were 8 & 10 despite the fact that you're a mother yourself now. She won't agree though, because she's still stuck in her 'role'.

I think @Eyesopenwideawake has nailed it.

And for the person upthread who thought it might be about ageing: perhaps there is something in that particularly if she wanted children but feels she is now beyond the age to do so (though I would also say I’m in my 50s and loving it and surrounded by lots of fabulous women in their 50s and 60s who are loving it too). It does sound like it’s based around your children.

As other PPs have said - that kind of behaviour is about being disappointed and sad about life. There’s no need for it if you’re content. Sounds like life has not lived up to the expectations your parents gave her by making her the golden child - they did her no favours.

Another option for when she starts asking intrusive questions, “You clearly want to tell me how much you earn (small mortgage etc) so why don’t we skip to that.”

I feel some sort of sibling therapy is needed here - sounds like you both sort-of want to be in contact but are playing out some historical issues

in an idea world you’d want to get to a point where you enjoy each other’s differences - that you each welcome a different view on the world. At the moment it’s coming out as comparison and competition. There must be some good books out there on sibling rivalry or could you say to her ‘I think we both need therapy to work out our childhoods’ and get it? I guess she would say no but maybe she too wants a better relationship?

It sounds like there was a golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on in your upbringing. It would explain why she is like this. A scapegoat child learns early on they can never win. For the golden child it's more like there is no possible computation of the universe where they aren't the best/winner/succeeding so if something is going wrong for them it screws up their entire world view and the only way they can put it right is to put themselves back on top.

For all that it's painful being a scapegoat child (I was one) I think the golden child ends up more damaged. I think your sister wanted children and the only way she can cope with the fact you've beaten her is to even up the score by redefining the rules of the game.

If her hurtful remarks are coming from a place of pain it might make it easier for you to deal with them. I don't know how you can help your sister; she would need to recognize this behaviour in herself.

Why do you stay in touch at all? Do you still have parents - I get the impression you don’t? Because frankly she is coming across as a a rude, bitter cow who uses you to make her feel better about herself. Would you have her as a friend? There is no law saying you have to stay in contact just because you have to share a gene pool.

but if you feel tied to her by unbreakable family bonds the one benefit is that you can tell it as it is without losing her. So challenge her - “that was nasty” “I’d rather have my kids in my old age than a bmw” or “none of your business, you’re obsessed with my income”. I appreciate that would break the habit of a lifetime though and be very hard to do.

Parents - no. That is what keeps me in touch if I'm honest

But I am increasingly tired of her one-upmanship. Its tedious and pointless and I have no doubt that is what causes friction in her workplace.

Recently told me her car was newer than me. I drive an old banger, I have no interest in cars, and the cheaper the better for me. There is no answer I can give other than to agree with her that her car is indeed newer/bigger and shinier than mine.

She gloats on how much she is worth. It is really important to her. She was always careful with money. Her husband is nice enough but my impression is there is a bit of a power struggle between them. But she is like that with everyone and neither of them would be, what I'd consider, easy people to live with.

DH says she is a narcissist and to just go along with her. I have done to an extent but am finding it increasingly hard to bat off the intrusive questions.

Water. Ducks. Back.

"You've got a new car? How lovely, what colour is it?
That a great holiday destination - you'll have a wonderful time.
Etc, etc, etc."

"You're very invested in my financial situation aren't you? Why do you want to know?" Then silence. Let her fill the hole that follows.

"You've got a new car? How lovely, what colour is it?
That a great holiday destination - you'll have a wonderful time.
Etc, etc, etc."

That sums up every conversation we've had this year!

If she doesn't have children, even if she chose that and on balance wants that, it is still a big loss to accept.

The thought that her younger sis does have them must cause an awful lot of difficult feelings, even if she isn't aware of it .

Not only the loss that she doesn't have the children themselves, but also that you have overtaken her on the "traditional" developmental path through life.

At some level she must know that in terms of life stages, you've done something very big that she has not, and that must cause envy and jealousy.

I would just agree with everything she says and turn it into a joke.

‘I’ll be retired whilst you’re paying you student loan’ - Yes probably!
’how much is left on your mortgage?’ - oh millions I think, doubt we’ll ever pay it off!
‘How much do you earn?’ - I think it currently works out at less than minimum wage!

It sounds like she’s feeling bad about her life and is trying to antagonise you. Just treat it all as a bit of a joke, and show it doesn’t bother you as you’re pretty comfortable with what you have.

@Dery I agree, I’m 48 and I think life can be really fabulous in your 50’s and 60’s for child-free women.

I wasn’t suggesting that the OP’s sister regrets not having children, more than once you turn 50, you go have to accept that certain doors are closed to you. I think that’s why my SIL is struggling at 55, she’s always liked being at the forefront of everything career-wise, trends-wise, etc., but I think she’s realizing that adults in their 20’s and view her as an older adult now and I think she’s afraid of getting older.

Personally, I couldn’t care less, at least I’m still here! 🤣

*20’s and 30’s

Honestly I don't understand why you still speak to her at all? You don't like her very much and she definitely doesn't seem to like you. She's keeping these conversations going in order to prove to herself that her life is better than yours. You're keeping them going because....?

I get that you think she's the only family you've got left, but she's not. You have DH, you have the kids. Family is the people who make you happy, who make your life better by being in it. Does your sister improve your life? If not, then she's not family, she's just someone you're related to.

I’m not sure she is afraid of getting older and from the outside she has a stress free life. She has too much time on her hands as she doesn’t socialise other than with her husband and she doesn’t have hobbies. She returns from work, cooks, takes a bath and goes to bed by 9pm.

i can see why she enjoys her holidays. I invite her to stay numerous times throughout the year but she says she is too busy! . A few times she has visited the area I live in and stayed in a hotel and only told me when she returned home. I tend to say how lucky she is to have had such a nice break but when she initially did this, I was very hurt. Not that she does it but that she delights in telling me.

Perhaps I need to take a step back.

I think I will do that and just chat idly once a month and distance myself emotionally.

So she’s bored and friendless. Let me guess, you have friends?!

Good plan to distance yourself and idly chat once a month. I hope it gets better. 🤞

I'm another who wonders why bother keeping in touch at all?
Your relationship is not mutually supportive, you don't actually like each other by the sound of it?

Just because you are siblings isn't good enough now your parents are gone, IMHO.

Would you really miss her if contact stopped?

She's jealous of your kids that's why she's making shitty comments and bragging about money.
Tell her you've came into some money, won some in the lottery or dh has inherited or something so uni fees are sorted.

Find things to boast about? Your wonderful children, how well they're doing at school, all the things you've done recently (films you've seen, parties you've been to, how well you're doing in your job, friends you go out with, how wonderful dh is). She might not be quite so eager to speak to if she thinks you're happy

Sibling relationships are complicated especially when you have completely different lives. I don't think it's as simple as 'she's jealous'. Perhaps she wants some kind of affirmation or recognition from you about her achievements? Everyone is always very vocal about how wonderful DCs are - if you don't have any and your 'achievement' is lots of holidays or an earlier retirement then it could make you look for validation about that lifestyle.
I'd give her the opportunity to talk about how wonderful her holidays and retirement will be - because if you're truly happy with how your lives have panned out differently then it's easy to be gracious and let her point score since it seems important to her.
Also people 'back home' knowing about you is standard. They ask. Your DSIS answers. Or they chat about you because you're one of the people they have in common. There's nothing odd about that.

Sounds like she sucks the energy out of you, always putting you down, gloating etc. and bringing nothing positive into your life. Why let her continue doing it?

If she is the only living family member that makes things easier in a way, because once you go NC (if you do) you won't have other relatives pressuring you to "fix things" or continue tolerating her for the sake of being family, or worse - tell you that she is lovely and you are just imagining her nastiness (something that I've experienced). You can just drop her without any awkwardness or having to explain yourself to anyone.

I'm wondering, like others, if the different directions your lives have taken and the way things were when you were growing up are the roots of this problem.

It's really hard to escape childhood patterns. She's been used to being admired and treasured by your parents and now you're her only link to that. So the endless attention getting and showing off are an attempt to get you to endorse her in the same way--but it will never work as it's not really your approval she's after (if she admitted to herself she wanted your approval that would also suggest you have power which she probably doesn't want to admit).

I think for your own sanity perhaps limit calls, as others have suggested, but I wonder if you've thought of writing to her instead? That would allow you to keep in touch and give her your perspective on life and tell her what's important to you in a way that you can plan. It would also allow her to reflect on what you say and perhaps get to know your life a little more.

The comments about university fees and new cars do sound to me as though she's very aware that there's a big part of life she has no access to. She may have made a conscious decision not to have children but be very aware that they give you a lot of joy and be trying to reassure herself she's made the right decision. If her childlessness is involuntary it may actually be very painful to her to think about your children and she may be desperate to validate her options now in the terms she does.

I've had a similar situation and found it easiest to praise--and find an area of expertise to ask advice about. This can sometimes fulfil the need to feel superior and may be a way towards a more authentic relationship. I tried this and actually got some unexpected good advice (I'd chosen something that didn't matter to me either way but she was glad to be asked).

Good luck. I admire your desire to keep in touch.

She's just reached the age when she's definitely not going to have a family, and she's trying to persuade herself that this is a good thing. The fact she's doing it so often makes it sound like she's really having to work hard to persuade herself.
Could you have a serious talk about her feelings or would she think you were acting superior to her?

"Yes, there are pros and cons to having children. Yes, as you say, there are pros and cons to being a parent. Yes, as we discussed earlier, there are pros and cons to having children."

I've had a long think about this since posting and I've read and re-read the replies. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

From New Year to March, she has a pattern of not contacting me at all. I forgot about that when I originally posted, although maybe subconsciously this was in my mind. I've realised that I can't handle the competitiveness any longer.

When I pick up the phone to her, I'm on eggshells trying to gauge her tone. I hang up feeling distressed about the call.

I've remembered other things that happened over the years. She told me many times she doesn't like me. When my first child was born she didn't contact me for months and then rang as if we'd been chatting the day before. She takes up a lot of my headspace and makes me feel anxious. I thought I'd maintain a relationship for my kid's sake but even they ask why she doesn't visit for a year and then acts like she's the adoring aunt. Blowing hot and cold is something I have put up with but I'm not going to have my kids second guess her and allow this to affect other generations.

I'm going to take a step back and reduce contact. When she gets in touch, which if not before Christmas, will be in March, then I will keep things civil and friendly but I will not share information or keep working at this relationship. Truthfully, I am tired of it and the worry and upset it brings to my life.

Good for you. Take back control.