I feel constantly on edge in my relationship. Can anyone else relate? Myself and DP have been in therapy, therapist has said he is controlling whether he realises it or not. He is under medical care for mental health services and I've contacted the authorities and getting support over some concerns I have. Mental illness is rife in his family as is dysfunctional abuse.
This is hard to explain but I feel like I have to be perpetually on guard, that if I don't address him controling me and manipulating me it sneaks up again. He takes it on board everytime I point stuff out to him, he gets professional help, he does not resent that I contacted the authorities but will there ever be a time when I can relax in our relationship?
I will describe last night as an example. This isn't an extreme example but a constant. Can anyone relate or understand where I'm coming from?
Went for dinner yesterday with our DS (4) and a young houseguest. I was driving as not drinking, it was in the city so can be stressful. A few disagreements over illegal shortcuts he was ordering me to take but he stopped when I sternly told him to stop bossing me.
After dinner I was getting the car ticket and the rest of the group returned to the car. The ticket wouldn't read and I was looking for help when I saw DP pull up to the exit barrier in my car with DP looking impatient, gesturing for me to return. I was annoyed, he was clearly planning on driving home after two large glasses of wine when it was already arranged i was driving. I was trying to resolve the ticket issue. He was parked at the exit, there would be no opportunity to swap seats as we would be straight onto the road into city traffic. If a car appeared behind him know he would be blocking as I still didn't have the ticket.
I told him to move the car away and not be in the driving seat. He clocked my annoyed expression and did but walked over to me claiming "oh you asked me earlier to reverse it for you, I was just doing you a favour honey. Do you not remember asking me?". I did not ask him this and even if he was reversing out of a tight spot, he could have pulled in somewhere in the carpark, driving the car out of the carpark made no sense.
Earlier in the restaurant we were eating starters, mine was hot, his wasn't. The restaurant wasn't cosy and he was unhappy with his starter. We were halfway through when he said in an instructional tone "let's swap". I didn't mind so said fine as I liked the look of his anyway. He wolfed mine down when I'd had one bite of his and immediately started indicating with his body language I should give his original starter back. He was practically leaning over the plate and making noises. This went on the whole time I was eating until finally I told him to stop, he had given it to me so stop indicating I should give it back and let me enjoy it. For the rest of the meal he kept making 'jokes' about me not being able to share or not understanding fractions. I felt under pressure to laugh but I didn't find it funny.
We came home, I stayed up watching a movie, DP went to bed. I heard a loud wailing, ran up the stairs, DC was distressed in his sleep repeating it hurts mummy, I don't want to feel like this. I moved DC into our bed as he was sick.
DP had said next time DC ended up in our bed he would move to the other room as it was his turn. He didn't move. I couldn't sleep. DC kept kicking me and hurting my back. Finally, frustrated I said to DC stop and I got out of the bed to the spare room. DC was whinging but I left DP to deal with her (as he always does to me).
I was in the other room when I heard loud yelling. DP was yelling at DC "get out, to to your room, fuck off then" i ran in and DC ran into my arms hysterical. DC had been at the end of the bed standing on the floor in the dark. DP would have had to put him there physically and was roaring at him, scaring him. I picked DC up and yelled at DP repeatedly to get out he was scaring our child (child was hysterical). I cuddled DC back into bed and looked after him all night. This is an ongoing theme - I am always left go deal with night time upset which I don't mind too much but the one time I left him he didn't comfort him, he scared him.
In the morning DP came in. He came over, kissed me and said "are you feeling better honey? You were shouting at DC last night, you yelled and stormed out of the room, then you came in after you had upset him"
I realised what he was doing - making up a new version (like claiming he was only reversing the car as a favour) and told him repeatedly to stop talking, I didn't want to hear it.
He then went to DC and said he was sorry but DC was kicking him. He continued to justify. DC kept telling him to be quiet and clearly was upset at the reminder and hugging me.
I am exhausted. I feel like I have to be on constant guard with him.
This is a very typical day. Reality being rewritten over and over. I can never trust his version of anything. I can never relax.