I can never relax

[Constantonedge]

I feel constantly on edge in my relationship. Can anyone else relate? Myself and DP have been in therapy, therapist has said he is controlling whether he realises it or not. He is under medical care for mental health services and I've contacted the authorities and getting support over some concerns I have. Mental illness is rife in his family as is dysfunctional abuse.

This is hard to explain but I feel like I have to be perpetually on guard, that if I don't address him controling me and manipulating me it sneaks up again. He takes it on board everytime I point stuff out to him, he gets professional help, he does not resent that I contacted the authorities but will there ever be a time when I can relax in our relationship?

I will describe last night as an example. This isn't an extreme example but a constant. Can anyone relate or understand where I'm coming from?

Went for dinner yesterday with our DS (4) and a young houseguest. I was driving as not drinking, it was in the city so can be stressful. A few disagreements over illegal shortcuts he was ordering me to take but he stopped when I sternly told him to stop bossing me.

After dinner I was getting the car ticket and the rest of the group returned to the car. The ticket wouldn't read and I was looking for help when I saw DP pull up to the exit barrier in my car with DP looking impatient, gesturing for me to return. I was annoyed, he was clearly planning on driving home after two large glasses of wine when it was already arranged i was driving. I was trying to resolve the ticket issue. He was parked at the exit, there would be no opportunity to swap seats as we would be straight onto the road into city traffic. If a car appeared behind him know he would be blocking as I still didn't have the ticket.

I told him to move the car away and not be in the driving seat. He clocked my annoyed expression and did but walked over to me claiming "oh you asked me earlier to reverse it for you, I was just doing you a favour honey. Do you not remember asking me?". I did not ask him this and even if he was reversing out of a tight spot, he could have pulled in somewhere in the carpark, driving the car out of the carpark made no sense.

Earlier in the restaurant we were eating starters, mine was hot, his wasn't. The restaurant wasn't cosy and he was unhappy with his starter. We were halfway through when he said in an instructional tone "let's swap". I didn't mind so said fine as I liked the look of his anyway. He wolfed mine down when I'd had one bite of his and immediately started indicating with his body language I should give his original starter back. He was practically leaning over the plate and making noises. This went on the whole time I was eating until finally I told him to stop, he had given it to me so stop indicating I should give it back and let me enjoy it. For the rest of the meal he kept making 'jokes' about me not being able to share or not understanding fractions. I felt under pressure to laugh but I didn't find it funny.

We came home, I stayed up watching a movie, DP went to bed. I heard a loud wailing, ran up the stairs, DC was distressed in his sleep repeating it hurts mummy, I don't want to feel like this. I moved DC into our bed as he was sick.

DP had said next time DC ended up in our bed he would move to the other room as it was his turn. He didn't move. I couldn't sleep. DC kept kicking me and hurting my back. Finally, frustrated I said to DC stop and I got out of the bed to the spare room. DC was whinging but I left DP to deal with her (as he always does to me).

I was in the other room when I heard loud yelling. DP was yelling at DC "get out, to to your room, fuck off then" i ran in and DC ran into my arms hysterical. DC had been at the end of the bed standing on the floor in the dark. DP would have had to put him there physically and was roaring at him, scaring him. I picked DC up and yelled at DP repeatedly to get out he was scaring our child (child was hysterical). I cuddled DC back into bed and looked after him all night. This is an ongoing theme - I am always left go deal with night time upset which I don't mind too much but the one time I left him he didn't comfort him, he scared him.

In the morning DP came in. He came over, kissed me and said "are you feeling better honey? You were shouting at DC last night, you yelled and stormed out of the room, then you came in after you had upset him"

I realised what he was doing - making up a new version (like claiming he was only reversing the car as a favour) and told him repeatedly to stop talking, I didn't want to hear it.

He then went to DC and said he was sorry but DC was kicking him. He continued to justify. DC kept telling him to be quiet and clearly was upset at the reminder and hugging me.

I am exhausted. I feel like I have to be on constant guard with him.

This is a very typical day. Reality being rewritten over and over. I can never trust his version of anything. I can never relax.

I don't want to leave him on his own

Don't choose caring for an abusive partner over caring for your child. It's one or the other, and they're mutually exclusive.

You are absolutely right and I'm going to repeat this over and over to myself if my resolve fades.

Leave. This man is abusive. He will continue to ruin your life and damage your children's chances of leading a happy, normal life. Protect your children and yourself from this awful man. MH issues or not, he knows exactly what he is doing to you and it gives him satisfaction.

Find your local Women's Aid and ask for help. You will see how common his behaviour is. Stop the couple's therapy, it doesn't do any good when your partner is abusive.

I’m so glad you’ve made the decision to leave OP. Your OP gave me the shivers and not in a good way. He sounds terrifying, I’d be terrified.
I’m so glad you’re getting out.

Thank you. I have actually been in touch with them on and off over the last couple of years.

Believe it or not this is us in a much improved place now. Things are vastly improved.

But I don't think I want to work at it anymore. I would be happy to be single and raise DC myself. I feel he's had all the chances and support he deserves.

Even if he came in this morning and said "sorry I lost it. I'm sorry. I was exhausted and stressed out" it would have been a conversation between us.

But the way he was lying in bed inventing a defense where I was the perpetrator. There's no point and I'm done.

I’m glad you are making plans to leave. You must put your children first, they must be quite terrified.

The other thing to consider is what kind of contacts safe and in the best interest of the children?
If would be taking this time to gain evidence to support the type of contacts that's safe. It's very hard to prove unless you have firm evidence. That's a lot easier to gain while your living in the house as you obviously see how he interacts with the children etc.
Driving after 2 large glasses of wine would hugely concern me., Esp as the kids were in the car.

Yes I agree. I don't want him left alone. How would you suggest I gather information? I've been keeping a fairly detailed log for about ten months.

That’s how I felt too. Just reading about that level of gaslighting creeped me out.

It's shocking that you say this isn't an extreme example. Does he have a personality disorder? He honestly sounds dangerous. Well done for leaving OP, this is as abusive as it gets, don't let him have the children alone whatever you do.

It sounds awful.

Like living with a ruthless small child who can only really think about themselves and their own needs.

I will send you a PM.

I was reading about the restaurant starter, the ticket machine etc thinking, oh he sounds a bit of a pain, and then I got to this bit.

"In the morning DP came in. He came over, kissed me and said "are you feeling better honey? You were shouting at DC last night, you yelled and stormed out of the room, then you came in after you had upset him"

He made your sick child frightened - actually telling him to fuck off and scream at him and then this morning tried to pretend it was YOU????

My God. Your poor poor child. If ANYONE screamed at my child and told them to fuck off, at any time, but especially when they are ill and in the dark, it would be the last second they'd spend in my house.

In terms of gathering information so he doesn't have him on his own with the children, why don't you just right now go to a police station with the children and let them take a statement? Its clear from this morning that your child understood exactly what had happened in the night.

You say in your OP this isn't an extreme example, but it IS an extreme example. I dread to think what else has happened but you need to protect your child.

Relentless
It won't be enough honestly. I've got a no contact order in place as my ex was so abusive to my children and me. But it took a long time and a lot of very good evidence.
The OP needs to get really smart and use this time she's still in the house with him to collect evidence.