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Original poster

Trial separation

27 replies

TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:26

I split up with my DH 4 days ago.
He couldn’t accept it, and is utterly torn apart by it. We have decided to try a trial separation.

I have agreed to a trial separation because he just begged and begged me not to leave.

Ive never seen anyone sob so much. He is broken. Every time I see him, he is crying.

Ive moved into the spare room (he said he wouldn’t cope if we lived separately).

We have two young children.

I feel utterly vile, guilt, sadness.

I have tried to separate before, unsuccessfully, as he begged me to stay each time. I have wanted to separate for 3 years. On previous occasions I backed down and we stayed together. But this is the first time I have stood strong.

Past behaviour has been very poor from him. (No cheating, but he has not treated me well for years)
But in the last 4 months he has stepped up and I can’t complain- he has been excellent. But my love for him has gone.
He can’t understand why I can’t forgive him.

The first 2 nights, we stayed in the same bed. I am concerned for his mental health, as he can’t even string a sentence together. I’ve never seen him talk in such ways. I have broken him and turned his life upside down.

I don’t know what the point of my thread is. I just feel immense guilt and sadness at how I am making him feel.

I don’t have the opportunity to stay with a friend or family.

I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:27

He wants to see a marriage councillor.
I am confident that I know I want to split up.

OP posts:
Skipsaway · 18/12/2022 09:29

This sounds awful op. Does he know why you want to separate, what was the catalyst for him changing 4 months ago?

Rugbylover1 · 18/12/2022 09:30

Whilst you, understandably, feel cruel about splitting up with him, it would be more cruel in the long run to agree to keep it going for the wrong reasons.

He's obviously devastated, but he won't be forever. Remain strong and de-couple in the kindest way you can. Best of luck.

SavingKitten · 18/12/2022 09:34

You need to stop dragging it out for him OP and leave, it’s not fair to call it a trial separation if it’s certain. It’s just further screwing his mental health and confusing for your children. It might feel kind but it’s just easing your own guilt and delaying things for him, he needs to deal with it.

Is there no one you can call to come keep an eye on him when you leave? When my DH told me he was leaving I couldn’t function (it was 100% a shock for me tho, he left for OW) I needed to function as we have small children so the doctor prescribed me a low dose of diazepam for the first few days and it just took the edge off so I could function, I’d encourage him to speak to his GP.

Waiting for DH to leave was the worst bit, but that first night he was gone I cried but I felt for calm. Having him there was torture.

Original poster
TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:40

Thank you for your words of kindness.

I feel it’s more painful being around each other. For both of us.
He went out yesterday and most of the day I felt ok. Very sad, but I could speak to the children and could get on with my day.

When he came back, he was a mess and it just makes me cry. So we hug and cuddle and then he was telling me about all the amazing things in our lives and begged me to try and find the spark.

He wants to see a marriage councillor. I will do anything to do this in the kindest way.
But I don’t think I can see a councillor. I won’t know what to say. I have nothing to say. I want to split up.

I hate to hurt and disappoint people in my life. I think this is why he has managed to convince me to stay on the previous occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:41

Diazepam is a good shout. I will suggest this to him

OP posts:
category12 · 18/12/2022 09:43

You need to stop hugs and cuddles- he needs to seek comfort from friends or family now, not you.

Otherwise he's just going to wear you down into giving it another try, like he has before.

Original poster
TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:46

@category12 you are right.

I will tell him we can’t do more hugs and cuddles.

He has asked if we can ease into it, until Christmas. (We will spend Christmas Day together)

crap time of year for this. I feel terrible for that too.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/12/2022 09:48

Don't drag it out. It's unfair on everyone.

Beamur · 18/12/2022 09:51

How difficult for you both.
Start making concrete plans to leave. You don't need to tell him the details. Find somewhere else to live, start sorting out your paperwork.
Once you have that lined up, decide how and when you will tell him.
He is a mess and this won't be easy, but you aren't responsible for him.

PeekAtYou · 18/12/2022 09:51

You need to rip that bandaid off and find a new place to live. It's not fair on either of you to live like this. When my ex physically left the house I felt like that's when I could start healing. Stop the hugs and comfort - you are giving him false hope.

C1N1C · 18/12/2022 09:52

TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:41

Diazepam is a good shout. I will suggest this to him

Facepalm

Please please don't.

"Hi, I've just broken your heart, maybe you should go on antidepressants!" If that were me I'd be over you in a shot! That's such a heartless thing to do.

Haveahappyholiday · 18/12/2022 09:59

You need to be really firm and determined and tell him you won’t change your mind and that you want to divorce.

Get legal advice and start thinking about the practicalities. You don’t have to be the one to physically leave of course but consider the children/house/finances etc.

No more hugs and talking about counselling if you are sure.

category12 · 18/12/2022 10:03

TheOtherWayAround · 18/12/2022 09:46

@category12 you are right.

I will tell him we can’t do more hugs and cuddles.

He has asked if we can ease into it, until Christmas. (We will spend Christmas Day together)

crap time of year for this. I feel terrible for that too.

There's never an ideal time. If not now, when? before Valentine's, before Easter, exams, spoiling the Summer holidays, etc etc.

Tbh I lied a bit to get my ex out, said things I didn't mean, then reneged. Because I knew he'd just bulldoze me again otherwise.

Do not leave the house as some pps are saying. You need to stay put if it's a marital asset, and if you're primary carer for two young children your housing need is greater and their interests need to come first.

crisscrosscringle · 18/12/2022 10:04

You need to leave the home as soon as possible. It's prolonging his pain and if you know you want to split them doing anything else is cruel to him because it's giving him false hope.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 18/12/2022 10:05

I think a counselling session or two might be a good thing?

Might the councilor be able to help him hear you when you tell him you want to split up?

Also, I know you feel incredibly guilty at the moment, but when he stepped it up 4 months ago, it was too late for you. The marriage has ended because of his very poor treatment of you before this. He has killed the marriage, not you. If he can behave under threat of you leaving, he could have behaved the whole time, he just chose not to.

Don't let him throw you under the bus for this. You want to split up because he has treated you badly for years and you can't let it happen any more.

category12 · 18/12/2022 10:10

RelentlessForwardProgress · 18/12/2022 10:05

I think a counselling session or two might be a good thing?

Might the councilor be able to help him hear you when you tell him you want to split up?

Also, I know you feel incredibly guilty at the moment, but when he stepped it up 4 months ago, it was too late for you. The marriage has ended because of his very poor treatment of you before this. He has killed the marriage, not you. If he can behave under threat of you leaving, he could have behaved the whole time, he just chose not to.

Don't let him throw you under the bus for this. You want to split up because he has treated you badly for years and you can't let it happen any more.

This.

Relationship counselling can be about managing an amicable split. You would need to tell the counsellor from the off that there's no prospect of getting back together on your part, but you have come to try to help your ex come to terms with that.

amylou8 · 18/12/2022 10:11

I've been on your position and it is horrible, you feel absolutely vile. The best advice I can give is to be firm. If you have made up your mind you need to be 100% clear on this. He needs to find someone to support him, but that someone is not you. This is the worst part and it will get better for both of you.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 18/12/2022 10:12

Really disagree with advice to leave the family home when you have two young children.

Honestly this sounds like one long manipulation to me.

He treats you like shit for years, then you have to move out because its all too upsetting for him?

Its just another way of him acting out and treating you badly to make himself feel better. Fuck that. If he finds it too upsetting, he can leave. Don't let him play this out as him being the victim and you being the aggressor.

ChaseHorse · 18/12/2022 10:54

Trial Separations are difficult, keep at it, the impact to children if you separate will be terrible, so if could be recoverable then it's a good way to keep options open.

My friends tried it, it was so hard but they ultimately found themselves, therapy is recommended though. They went through teething issues with it, but ultimately it gave them the perspective they needed to make the right decision and fall back in love.

Don't listen to negatives, focus on the positives, this world is filled with enough negativity. There seems to be some really pessimistic negative replies here but I guess that's normal for the internet, you're only going to get the extreme views by hurt people trawling for more negativity to wallow in.

Trial separations do work, and they sometimes don't work. See the marriage therapist, get your thoughts straight and help him deal with this.

ladysystem · 18/12/2022 11:16

Why do you want to split up?

category12 · 18/12/2022 11:22

ChaseHorse · 18/12/2022 10:54

Trial Separations are difficult, keep at it, the impact to children if you separate will be terrible, so if could be recoverable then it's a good way to keep options open.

My friends tried it, it was so hard but they ultimately found themselves, therapy is recommended though. They went through teething issues with it, but ultimately it gave them the perspective they needed to make the right decision and fall back in love.

Don't listen to negatives, focus on the positives, this world is filled with enough negativity. There seems to be some really pessimistic negative replies here but I guess that's normal for the internet, you're only going to get the extreme views by hurt people trawling for more negativity to wallow in.

Trial separations do work, and they sometimes don't work. See the marriage therapist, get your thoughts straight and help him deal with this.

Except OP isn't doing a trial separation because she wants to work it out, she's been very clear she wants to end the relationship. She has done for 3 years.

She's only agreed to it being a "trial separation" because her ex has emotionally pressured her so much she's trying to appease him.

That's why she is being encouraged to take a stronger line and actually follow through with the split.

ChaseHorse · 18/12/2022 11:46

category12 · 18/12/2022 11:22

Except OP isn't doing a trial separation because she wants to work it out, she's been very clear she wants to end the relationship. She has done for 3 years.

She's only agreed to it being a "trial separation" because her ex has emotionally pressured her so much she's trying to appease him.

That's why she is being encouraged to take a stronger line and actually follow through with the split.

Show quote history

I don't think any of us can really give good advise to OP.

She needs professional advise with a marriage therapist to understand the situation. She seems to care about her DH by the amount she is looking after him, and the guilt doesn't come from nowhere.

As stated we should encourage her to go to therapy. Therapy will help OP communicate with her DH and help them come to terms with what will happen.

Jewel7 · 18/12/2022 11:47

You know what you want to do. Counselling may help both of you. You need to be living apart. Could one of you stay with family/friends.
He sounds like he is panicking. My ex did this after not treating me well. Then was annoyed when I couldn’t forget about the behaviour. His actions weren’t showing me he had changed even though he had the chat.
For me I knew for his sake I had to take baby steps and ease him in gently because his mental health was similar to your dh. Maybe he is in shock.
It did get easier though.

category12 · 18/12/2022 12:01

ChaseHorse · 18/12/2022 11:46

I don't think any of us can really give good advise to OP.

She needs professional advise with a marriage therapist to understand the situation. She seems to care about her DH by the amount she is looking after him, and the guilt doesn't come from nowhere.

As stated we should encourage her to go to therapy. Therapy will help OP communicate with her DH and help them come to terms with what will happen.

Show quote history

"the guilt doesn't come from nowhere" - guilt is often misplaced.

Women are often taught that their needs and wants should come behind the man's and that keeping a relationship going is the most important thing.

The guilt could even come from long-term emotional manipulation by the husband.

When someone is obviously distressed by a decision we make, it's natural to have care or guilt about it - it doesn't mean the decision is wrong or that you are doing something bad.

Of course we can give advice - it's the point of the messageboard, otherwise we might as well close it down. We're not necessarily right or know all the facts, but its opinions and a sounding board for the OP, she can take what she wants from it or ignore what she wants.

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