I’m a covert narcissist

[Aussiegirl123456]

I was listening to that Taylor Swift song the other day and there was something in it about covert narcissists. I didn’t know what that meant so I googled it. And it’s me. What I read, described me to a tee.

Are there any strategies I can put in place to least impact those in my life who I love the most? I don’t want to be like this and I definitely don’t want to mess up the lives of my children. I’ve known for many years there’s something ‘wrong’ with me so I’ve always been conscious of this and have tried so hard not to give my children a childhood they need to recover from, like my own was. It’s exhausting and now I know why.

Any tips or strategies that may help would be so appreciated, or anybody else living with one or is one. thank you.

A covert narcissist might have a flash of insight but they wouldn't respond in this sustained, concerned way.

There are many other reasons why you might be feeling the way you do. Carrying trauma from childhood might mean that you depend on others to make you feel better and you know how to get what you need. I find it hard to imagine that you truly fit the diagnosis you've described as you have responded in such a different way and parented so differently to a covert narcissist (who would simply not see or care what they had the potential to do).

Do you think there are other possibilities?

Agree with above.

Cluster B personality disorders (NPD/BPD/HPD etc) are very interchangeable

Agree with PP. Your post shows too much empathy and concern for other people. Your unlikely to have NPD. Maybe be more specific. Could you tell us what the behaviours are that you think is impacting your loved ones and we can suggest ways to help based on that?

Possibly. It’s something I need to really look into.

Thank you

Writing a post like yours is the last thing a narc would do

Narcissists don’t worry that they are narcissists. You may have some issues to work through but you’re not a narcissist.

I think it’s more that I have to consciously always make an effort to not mess up the children. It doesn’t come easy or naturally. What I initially want to do is brush the children off if they ever come to me with any problem or concern…or anything. But I try so hard to be engaging and make them feel like the most important people in the world (which to me, they are). I think by being like this and making this effort, despite being exhausting, has ensured they’re well rounded people. I’m not a narcissist as a mother (well I am, but make an effort not to be). I just feel so detached from everybody, even my husband. Like my whole life centres around me. The only way I’ve successfully maintained my marriage I think is because I know how to say and do all the right things, but they don’t come naturally. Does any of this make sense? Sorry if not, it’s all coming out in a blurb while I’m trying to make sense. It’s almost as though I’m playing a role as mother and wife, like an actress. That’s the only way I can describe it. Nobody knows. They all think I’m an nice and caring person but inside it’s all just not real.

But any other relationships, I’m definitely a narcissist. I do so many good things for people but there is genuinely always a hidden agenda of me wanting praise or recognition. I’ve set unrealistic standards for myself.

Does this happen because of childhood? I think because my parents were so emotionally unavailable for me, that’s why I am different to my own. I hope it is something else and not me being a covert narcissist.

Thank you

Thanks, that’s actually reassuring. I’m glad I’m likely wrong!

I definitely have some npd traits, and also other cluster B traits. I'm self aware so try to avoid hurting people but it's sometimes hard to control and I can lack empathy. From what you said I don't think you are a covert narcissist. Most people have some darker traits to them, it's what makes us human.

That's not narcissism. If anything, you're highly critical of yourself. Do you have some issues, sounds like it, but you aren't a narcissist.

I think you need good counselling. You seem to feel detached, responsible for everything and have a need to be praised and seen as good. That's not narcissistic in itself. Perhaps you just weren't loved and look for what feels like love in the wrong places while not knowing how to accept the love that does come your way. Perhaps you only got attention and validation when you were perfect and performing.

OP I'm very aware of not giving an armchair diagnosis (see far too much of that on Mumsnet!) but as an alternative perspective what you describe could be ASD. People who are autistic don't necessarily lack empathy, but may struggle with keeping other people in mind until there is a specific demand, also struggle with interruptions. Playing a role is also how people often describe the masking element of ASD.
At the very least there are a number of different conditions that explain what you describe (and equally it could be no condition, just your personality!) It might be something worth exploring for your own peace of mind.

I think it’s more that I have to consciously always make an effort to not mess up the children. It doesn’t come easy or naturally. What I initially want to do is brush the children off if they ever come to me with any problem or concern…or anything. But I try so hard to be engaging and make them feel like the most important people in the world (which to me, they are). I think by being like this and making this effort, despite being exhausting, has ensured they’re well rounded people. I’m not a narcissist as a mother (well I am, but make an effort not to be). I just feel so detached from everybody, even my husband. Like my whole life centres around me. The only way I’ve successfully maintained my marriage I think is because I know how to say and do all the right things, but they don’t come naturally. Does any of this make sense? Sorry if not, it’s all coming out in a blurb while I’m trying to make sense. It’s almost as though I’m playing a role as mother and wife, like an actress. That’s the only way I can describe it. Nobody knows. They all think I’m an nice and caring person but inside it’s all just not real.

This sounds it might be fallout from sustained ACE, & that you might be experiencing symptoms of C-PTSD.

www.resilientretreat.org/ace-score/

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd/complex-ptsd/

Interestingly - C-PTSD can be mis-diagnosed as Borderline (BPD), particularly in women & girls. See PP's comment above about how
Cluster B personality disorders (NPD/BPD/HPD etc) are very interchangeable

So, if you have been trying to google your way to understanding, (not criticising that btw!) you might easily have applied Cluster-B traits to yourself in error, not knowing that they are something else entirely.

Thank you all for this information, definitely going to look more into these replies. Appreciate the responses.

I agree I lived with one. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He thinks everyone else is dumb with their stupid emotions. He’d never be bothered by how his behaviour affects another person because he simply doesn’t care. He cannot see past himself.

you are not a narcissist, absolutely not, with the level of self awareness and personal insight you have described. You do sound like you have some sort of a detachment, but you are aware of it and the way you speak for your children is not negative. Give yourself a break. But I try so hard to be engaging and make them feel like the most important people in the world (which to me, they are). It sounds like you are having a hard time engaging with relationships, the agenda you speak of, sounds like a personal agenda to keep your head 'above water' so to speak; rather than to use and abuse others to get what you want.

I'd never heard of this term, so I had a google - really interesting; I can see something of myself in there and something of STBexH. I'm not sure those posting that you don't have this condition would be fully aware of what covert narcissism is? Anyway this seems like a good description here:

www.healthline.com/health/covert-narcissist#fa-qs

But I try so hard to be engaging and make them feel like the most important people in the world (which to me, they are)

Narcs are incapable of genuine love.
That statement about your children is just SO loving - it speaks volumes more than the trite bollocks like "my kids are my world" "I love them to bits" etc.

I believe my sister is a covert narc. She comes out with trite bollocks as above, & things like "if any paedo touched my kids I DO for him." Like that makes her special, or extra loving ... she can't see it's all about possession & show.
She is so self-absorbed she said it to me straight-faced, without a single thought to the CSA she knows a family member perpetrated on me. She was housing that family member at the time. Go figure.

You sound far too self-aware & compassionate to be a narc OP.
We ALL have a tiny bit of narc in us. Sometimes it's even healthy! So don't get hung up on the labels, but maybe consult a professional for some reassurance. Did you ever receive therapy for the ACE you experienced?

I was going to come on and armchair diagnosis female ASD. Glad someone else said it first!!!

Check out HG Tudor on you tube for more insight into narcissism.

It sounds like you genuinely care for your DH even if you feel you're faking it. You have unresolved issues from your past, which could be explored to give you more insight.

Me too. You sounds like you have mastered the art of masking.

Not convinced OP

if it makes you feel better, I heard that line in my head while buying biccies and chocolate for the nurses when mum was in hospital.

that line can be interpreted so many ways but ultimately, there's no such thing as an unselfish act. I would say a narc wouldn't be thinking about it at all.

you say your whole life centres around you. My life centres round me. I appreciate everyone isn't like that but I don't think it makes you a narc.

i'm actually trying to change in order to be more selfish and see where my own advantage might be as I feel I have done too much for people and got nothing back...was it covert narcissism disguised as altruism? I don't know. But does it matter?

i read that to a certain degree all humans have some narcissistic traits or else we simply wouldn't survive.

OP we sound very similar. I don't have a diagnosis but I suspect I have ASD.