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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over someone you can’t have

68 replies

Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 08:29

So as the title says, I’m trying to get over someone who I can’t have but it’s really hard as we work together. We don’t see each other every day but when I do see him in work all the emotions flood back. I thought I was getting there slightly but I’m feeling a bit sad about everything today.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice please?

OP posts:
Lilly11a · 16/12/2022 08:32

I say the far easiest way to do this would be no contact - so find a new job .

I appreciate that may not be practical, so it's a case of mentally "stopping " those thoughts when they spiral and faking it till you make it with actions ie act as if you don't care and eventually you won't .
It will take time however and you will have set backs . Wishing you luck OP

Lilly11a · 16/12/2022 08:33

Act as if you don't care

SenseiOfDuty · 16/12/2022 08:34

Without any more details, I'll say...

Stop viewing them as the one who got away which is simply a trope of romantic fiction. If it was meant to work out, it would have. You and then would have made it happen and you haven't, probably for very good reasons so congratulate yourself for listening to your very good reasons

Don't idealise them. You know their flaws.

Look at other jobs. Leave them in your past.

And yes, I speak from experience and or would have helped enormously if someone had said this to me x

GOODCAT · 16/12/2022 08:34

You just have to keep going and avoid contact where possible. Eventually it fades. If it gets very bad, change jobs. Whatever you do, remain professional. In the meantime, make some fresh plans for you and enjoy pursuing those.

Namechangerr1 · 16/12/2022 08:38

Why can't you have them? Because you work together?

MissMaple82 · 16/12/2022 08:51

I'd personally find a new job

FermisLeftFoot · 16/12/2022 08:52

Depends on why you can’t be with them? Because they are a colleague? In a marriage or relationship? They just aren’t interested?

Original poster
Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 08:55

Namechangerr1 · 16/12/2022 08:38

Why can't you have them? Because you work together?

No, we both have parters (not married) and children. We’re both not particularly happy in our current relationships but we recognised nothing can happen for the sake of our families. It’s tough as I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and never looked at anyone else but he turned my head. It sounds really bad but nothing has ever happened between us. The whole thing just makes me really sad.

OP posts:
FluffyFlower · 16/12/2022 08:55

It will pass and fade, don't change jobs if you genuinely like where you are. Find a new guy outside work, and this one at work will become neutral for you!

FluffyFlower · 16/12/2022 08:58

Oops, didn't see the partners bit before replying. Guess the problem is deeper than that than.. hang in there!

Palmfrond · 16/12/2022 09:02

If everything else is okay between you and your partner, ie you’ve no reason to leave him other than wanting to be with this other person, then think of your kids. Not as in “what about the children!!” but as in literally think of your kids, and whether you like them better than this man, because that is kind of the choice.
And, let’s be honest the prognosis for a lasting meaningful relationship between you and a work colleague who is also in a relationship is not good.

Palmfrond · 16/12/2022 09:04

And to be clear I’m not minimising your pain. Crushes, especially workplace ones, can be brutal. But the likelihood is that that is what it is, just an infatuation, grass is greener type thing.

Original poster
Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 09:10

Thanks everyone, some really good advice here. I have good days and then bad ones. I have to admit he’s the one who pursued me, he has at times told me he misses me etc… and sees a future for us. It just can’t happen and I need to move on as it’s all effecting me quite badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 09:21

Palmfrond · 16/12/2022 09:02

If everything else is okay between you and your partner, ie you’ve no reason to leave him other than wanting to be with this other person, then think of your kids. Not as in “what about the children!!” but as in literally think of your kids, and whether you like them better than this man, because that is kind of the choice.
And, let’s be honest the prognosis for a lasting meaningful relationship between you and a work colleague who is also in a relationship is not good.

I won’t be leaving to be with this other person. Things haven’t been great with my current partner for a while, I’ve been questioning things and if he’s right for me long term.

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 16/12/2022 09:23

I think you should change the title to "I want to have an affair but havent, how do i get over it".

I think the sympathy might drop off then.

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:23

So it's an emotional affair then for him to be comfortable and bold enough to tell you he sees a future.
Why do you want to get over him? Use the reasons why as your motivator and whenever you feel tempted to think of him quickly snap yourself back by recalling your reasons. Don't entertain thoughts of him, lingering eye contact or anything that fuels this. Cut all unnecessary contact and keep him at arm's length... of course the best thing is to change employment!

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:25

Sorry I'd like to be clearer:

So it's an emotional affair then for him to be comfortable and bold enough to tell you he sees a future indicates that there is intimacy between you where boundaries were blurred enough for him to disclose this type of stuff with you. Whatever opportunities you two had were you could talk like this (text, social media, at work) stop that sharpish. Don't give him the opportunity to approach you in a private capacity. Avoid situations where it's just you two.

Original poster
Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 09:31

whattodo1975 · 16/12/2022 09:23

I think you should change the title to "I want to have an affair but havent, how do i get over it".

I think the sympathy might drop off then.

just To clarify I don’t want to have an affair with him

OP posts:
Namechangerr1 · 16/12/2022 09:32

Sounds like he's pulling your strings.. I think a new job would be a good idea.

pinkfondu · 16/12/2022 09:33

It's not him, it's the fantasy, imagine him picking his nose and tge skid marks his partner has to sort out, all that could be yours Wink

Namechangerr1 · 16/12/2022 09:34

It's likely he's playing this game with numerous women. .. speaking from experience here :)

SilentNightDancer · 16/12/2022 09:40

Honestly, a new job and then block all communication with him. Remove yourself from the situation. I know it sounds drastic, but you need to put yourself in a different space and give yourself time away from him. It's going to be very, very difficult as long as you work together.

As a stopgap while you look for other roles - could you work from home more? Adjust your working hours to spend less time in his presence? Also, every time you think about him, tell yourself 'no, I'm not wasting my energy on this'.

And then focus on your own relationship and own family. Seek to strengthen what you have instead of comparing it with something else. 'Water your own grass' as it were, and maybe the grass elsewhere won't be so green.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 16/12/2022 09:41

You say nothings happened but it has..
You don't go saying there's a future and missing eachother ect if it's not passed into an emotional affair.
I think sometimes when I read these threads people think it's not really cheating unless you have sex. From my experience the emotional affair and the longing bs I had to watch my partner do whether it had became sexual or not didn't really make an odds at that point.

The damage it does to all involved is horrible. I think you need to grow up a bit and realise it's a fantasy and you don't know who he really is. He will tell you his relationship makes him unhappy but I guarantee he goes home and sleeps with his partner and makes no effort to fix their relationship or end it but he's got comfortable and you are just a thrill and a nice ego boost. Not trying to be hurtful but if he really wanted you and was also so miserable he would end the relationship.

ReluctantLondoners · 16/12/2022 09:42

He's probably just a welcome distraction from your unhappy relationship. I'd get out of that relationship if possible and then you might find the guy at work is just meh. You might find a whole load of lovely men once you're single!

Good luck op!

BloodAndFire · 16/12/2022 09:46

Guarantee you he is not mooning over you or writing threads about how to get over you.

Once you made it clear you weren't going to be his bit on the side, he immediately started looking for the next one to try "my wife [partner] doesn't understand me" to see if she's more amenable than you were to getting her knickers off.

Well done for not being that one.