Page 2 | Getting over someone you can’t have

Marshmallow264 · 2022-12-16T08:29:56+00:00

So as the title says, I’m trying to get over someone who I can’t have but it’s really hard as we work together. We don’t see each other every day but when I do see him in work all the emotions flood back. I thought I was getting there slightly but I’m feeling a bit sad about everything today. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice please?

Leaven85728 · 16/12/2022 10:00

You have idealised him. He (and any other person) is not the source of your happiness.

IntrospectionP999 · 16/12/2022 10:08

Take it from me, do not get involved with anyone who is attached. If you think it hurts now it will hurt a hundred times more if you let it develop any further. A new job would be ideal and if not you need to do all in your power to disconnect emotionally.

Leaven85728 · 16/12/2022 10:12

'someone who I can't have' think about what you're saying here because that's where your problem is.

gemsandmilk · 16/12/2022 10:14

Real talk. It’s always nice to be seduced by someone attractive (emotionally seduced I mean). You’ve still got it, OP! And your heart is still alive.

But let me tell you, I am getting divorced — from someone abusive so there is no question in mind — and it is no picnic. It is as dark as they say.

Tell your partner your needs aren’t being met. Say what you need to stay. Give him a proper chance. Let him know you are thinking of leaving. For your own sake, not his.

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 16/12/2022 10:14

Time. Just time. I've had the worst time with this, but in recent weeks it's just sort of started to drop away, and I can't quite access that intensity of feeling I had before. Which is a relief, frankly.

Bluerisotto · 16/12/2022 10:20

I would echo what everyone else has said, but also, there must be something you dislike about him, some physical feature or some irritating habit or something? Focus on that until you get the ick.

Crushes come and they go and they do pass, it will take a few months but by spring you will be over it. Just cut off the opportunities to talk, mentally excise him from your life. Stick with your job, if he keeps pursuing you after you have cut off all unnecessary communication tell him you are feeling harassed.

It will pass.

Original poster

Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 10:23

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 16/12/2022 10:14

Time. Just time. I've had the worst time with this, but in recent weeks it's just sort of started to drop away, and I can't quite access that intensity of feeling I had before. Which is a relief, frankly.

What was your situation if you don’t mine me asking

OP posts:

Coconutmangoprune · 16/12/2022 10:25

Get some therapy. If you’re at work do they offer any sort of counselling service you can use? A lot of large employers do.

You might find that it’s not really a case of this man having turned your head. When you look at it objectively he probably isn’t some love of your life adonis. Maybe it’s because the rest of your life is unhappy or has become boring so this adds a little excitement and joy to your day.

Original poster

Marshmallow264 · 16/12/2022 10:35

Coconutmangoprune · 16/12/2022 10:25

Get some therapy. If you’re at work do they offer any sort of counselling service you can use? A lot of large employers do.

You might find that it’s not really a case of this man having turned your head. When you look at it objectively he probably isn’t some love of your life adonis. Maybe it’s because the rest of your life is unhappy or has become boring so this adds a little excitement and joy to your day.

Yes I think this could be true, I think it unearthed issues with my current relationship. I know I need to separate the two and work on my existing relationship.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/12/2022 15:33

Im afraid to say this is a classic
get under one to get over one

it’s the easiest and fastest way to get him out of your head

maybe not helpful but so true

Tillow4ever · 16/12/2022 21:31

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/12/2022 15:33

Im afraid to say this is a classic
get under one to get over one

it’s the easiest and fastest way to get him out of your head

maybe not helpful but so true

Not particularly helpful to advise the OP to have an affair to get over not having an affair with someone else…

Numnumbirdy · 16/12/2022 22:44

@CanYouFeelMyHeart sums it up perfectly - same boat and I am not 100% there but closer every day.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/12/2022 08:17

Tillow4ever

oops I didn’t see she had a partner already
noted
scrap that

Original poster

Marshmallow264 · 17/12/2022 08:29

Numnumbirdy · 16/12/2022 22:44

@CanYouFeelMyHeart sums it up perfectly - same boat and I am not 100% there but closer every day.

It’s so difficult isn’t it!

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CanYouFeelMyHeart · 17/12/2022 10:54

He's my business partner and one day out of the blue everything just changed.

Nothing has/will ever happen but he is in my life for the long term so I just sort of hung on and eventually it started to fade. We are very very close so I suppose there is an emotional affair element, but we also run a business together so are very interlinked generally.

It's better when I don't sit there looking at his hands though 😁 so I give myself a mental shake and get on with my day.

Namechangerr1 · 17/12/2022 12:50

I don't think you do have an anxious attachment style, or maybe you do, it's not the point.. I just think it's very convenient how a lot of men will woo and sleep with a woman to then block her straight afterwards.. people are very lazy and lack respect for one another. Sorry you went through this, I've had similar experiences

2catsandhappy · 17/12/2022 17:00

What did it highlight for your relationship? Do you feel overlooked, not listened to, just a mum, taken for granted? Or was it more your dp stopped making an effort, got too comfortable, got lazy? Or something else?

Namechangerr1 · 17/12/2022 17:02

Posted on wrong thread - sorry!

purpledalmation · 17/12/2022 19:41

I had to leave and get a new job. It's so painful to see someone almost daily

Original poster

Marshmallow264 · 17/12/2022 22:56

purpledalmation · 17/12/2022 19:41

I had to leave and get a new job. It's so painful to see someone almost daily

Yes, I agree, it’s almost as if you’re starting to think clearer and then suddenly you see them and it’s back to square one!

OP posts:

Original poster

Marshmallow264 · 17/12/2022 22:58

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 17/12/2022 10:54

He's my business partner and one day out of the blue everything just changed.

Nothing has/will ever happen but he is in my life for the long term so I just sort of hung on and eventually it started to fade. We are very very close so I suppose there is an emotional affair element, but we also run a business together so are very interlinked generally.

It's better when I don't sit there looking at his hands though 😁 so I give myself a mental shake and get on with my day.

That’s a tricky situation. What led you to have an emotional affair, was some missing in your current relationship do you think?

OP posts:

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 18/12/2022 11:48

Nope, like I say it was 100% out of nowhere. If you had told me a week before I'd have laughed.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/12/2022 11:52

Look at it like this OP He is the catalyst for you to make a decision you have been ignoring/putting off and not the answer.

Original poster

Marshmallow264 · 18/12/2022 13:24

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/12/2022 11:52

Look at it like this OP He is the catalyst for you to make a decision you have been ignoring/putting off and not the answer.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas

yes I think you’re right, extremely hard to sum everything up though and find a way forward though

OP posts:

Kwackerly · 18/12/2022 14:20

You have to somehow get the ick, ideally. I agree a list of bad points and avoiding seeing him as much as possible are helpful but otherwise just wait it out and try and keep yourself busy. Good luck, in the same boat, its really tough.