Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react in this situation

40 replies

Rightorwrong88 · 16/12/2022 08:01

A blazing row with DH yesterday, just another in weeks of rows but I genuinely think that he is possibly over reacting over a silly mistake.

So background
I WFH 3 days a week, the 2 days I go into the office DD (7) goes to breakfast and after school club. Has done for the last year at least.

Yesterday was meant to be a day in the office but for various reasons I WFH. Dh got home from work at 245 ish, I had been on calls (camera on) since 1pm so other than a quick wave through the window I hadn't spoken to to DH. He had also sent me a WhatsApp but I hadn't seen it/had chance to reply.

About 315 I saw out the corner of my eye DH leaving to get DD even though she was still in after school club (we pay for the place so even if she doesn't go on her booked days we pay and she enjoys it) After making a quick excuse on my call (i was actively partcipating not just in the background)I ran to the door to try and stop him but he was gone, I shouted down the street as well. I then called him and he didn't answer and whatsapp'ed him and no response. Its a 5 min walk to the school.

He then realised when he got there. I did say we'll you might as well pick her up but he came home and a row followed. I apologised for not reminding him and he then said that it was disgusting that I hadn't looked at my phone in 2 hours to reply to his earlier message, that I made him look like an idiot, and a barrage of other insults. We now haven't spoken since yesterday.

This is just another day in the life of arguments at the moment, but if this was me I would have just laughed it off!

I just can't do right for wrong at the moment!

OP posts:
Menopants · 16/12/2022 08:03

It’s not your job to remind him. What an arsehole. Is he generally an arsehole?

Original poster
Rightorwrong88 · 16/12/2022 08:34

He's been worse thr last few months. Utterly generally at the moment everything is my fault even if its not my fault

OP posts:
Autumntimeagain · 16/12/2022 09:19

So it's your job to 'remind' him, but it's not his job to 'remember' himself ?

What other things are your sole responsibility ? can he wipe his own arse ? Or is that something else you need to remind him to do ??

Ijuststoodonlego · 16/12/2022 09:29

His reactions are extreme. Is he stressed? My DH acts like that when he's stressed. It's not ok though. Feeling like you can't do anything right is unpleasant. I hope things improve. Will you both have a chance to have a talk about it? Is he difficult when it comes to talking about issues?

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:32

It's not right he blamed you for not reminding him, this is his child he should know her schedule. You're working, you're not his own PA or alarm reminder and now he is giving you the silence treatment instead of apologising and making it up to you. What a wanker.

converseandjeans · 16/12/2022 09:32

So was he annoyed that he picked DD up when she could have stayed in after school club (as you already paid)? Is he saying you should have reminded him & that he looked silly picking her up on her after school club day?

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:34

He cares more about seeming silly than admitting his mistake and confusion, letting his girl enjoy her session and coming back later. It's only a 5 min walk so he can do the journey again later. He is now not talking to you after shouting at you and blaming you. Who does he think he is? Big ego fragile man.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 16/12/2022 09:34

Sounds like he has checked out op.

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:36

Honestly, if you ignore him long enough he will move on to another woman at work. I'd give it a couple of months.

Bedazzled22 · 16/12/2022 09:43

I don’t get why he would pick her up when he knows she goes to after-school club? He was being unreasonable

Original poster
Rightorwrong88 · 16/12/2022 09:44

This is just one thing in a long line of things that have happened over thr past few months bit I think his reaction to this was over the top.

Other things we have argued about:
I cam me back from a work trip last week (was away 3 days) but came back with a chest infection and feeling awful. He complained that I didn't immediately try and and jump on him when I got in (he was on a day off)

That I work too much. My hours are generally 9-5. Maybe 1 or 2 evenings in the week I will get thr laptop out and clear some emails (while he is on a game he plays on his tablet) this week I did on Monday and Tuesday as we had children at home due to the snow. Again this was unacceptable.

He also asked me not to take a promotion at work recently as it would take too much attention away from him (and the children) I have taken it and he has made it clear that I'm still expected to do the majority of the housework and childcare as he doesn't support my decision

OP posts:
GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:45

Sorry please ignore my comment at 9:36 if you ignore him he'll go to another woman was meant for another thread.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2022 09:49

He also asked me not to take a promotion at work recently as it would take too much attention away from him (and the children) I have taken it and he has made it clear that I'm still expected to do the majority of the housework and childcare as he doesn't support my decision

If you don't already realise you need to divorce this abusive misogynist there's nothing any of us can say to help you.

Tiger2018 · 16/12/2022 09:49

Oh OP this must be so hard living in this atmosphere. My marriage was the same - I just couldn't do right from wrong. It made me feel so unloved. Have you sat down when things are calm and shared how it's making you feel?

Original poster
Rightorwrong88 · 16/12/2022 16:34

I have tried on more than one occasion today to talk and have been stone walled. Everything is my fault, he cannot possibly be at fault. I get what I want all the time, I'm abusing him.

Apparently because I like my job and didn' have chance to look at my phone while in the middle of a two hour presentation I'm abusive and don't care about him or our family

OP posts:
Dreamwhisper · 16/12/2022 16:41

This dynamic sounds awful and I am wondering where the love, affection and friendship that should exist in a relationship is?

The issue and whether you were or weren't BU is by the by (though you obvs WNBU). The real issue is when did your relationship get to a point where this reaction became the norm?

Dreamwhisper · 16/12/2022 16:44

He also asked me not to take a promotion at work recently as it would take too much attention away from him (and the children) I have taken it and he has made it clear that I'm still expected to do the majority of the housework and childcare as he doesn't support my decision

Oh good lord. I really hope you can find the strength and courage to leave, you deserve so so much more than this and it sounds like you're doing so well in all the other areas of your life!

category12 · 16/12/2022 16:48

He sounds like a sexist and like he's threatened by your success.

Well done for taking the promotion despite his objections- who in their right mind would want you to miss out on opportunities?

And in this economy?! 🙃

Original poster
Rightorwrong88 · 16/12/2022 17:05

I am just fed up now

This must happen at least once a week

Something happens that he doesn't like and he throws a strop and sulks

I try and apologise and then we start again

He moans we don't get any time together so when I wfh I come and sit with him in the living room if he is off, but then because I am working and concentrating and not engaging in full blown concentration he moans that I don't talk to him

I threatened to call his bluff today and resigned but why should I put myself in a financially precarious position just because he doesn't get any attention

OP posts:
category12 · 16/12/2022 17:23

He sounds quite controlling actually.

FGS don't give up your job.

LBFseBrom · 16/12/2022 17:28

Bollocks to him. I bet he likes the financial benefits your job brings to the table. Does he have another woman in mind, I wonder? People who start rows and blame their partner often do.

LTB or kick him out - at least threaten to - but don't give up your job.

Talon01 · 16/12/2022 17:33

I think this is one of those where you'd like to hear the other side of things

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/12/2022 17:40

Don't give up your job! He's immature, selfish and thoughtless. I'd give him a limited time (in my head) and if he didn't improve that would be it.

SafariRushHour · 16/12/2022 17:43

couples counselling?

StillWeRise · 16/12/2022 17:53

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR JOB

so what about him? you don't mention his job? he seems to be around a lot while you wfh?

Swipe left for the next trending thread