How would you react in this situation

[Rightorwrong88]

A blazing row with DH yesterday, just another in weeks of rows but I genuinely think that he is possibly over reacting over a silly mistake.

So background
I WFH 3 days a week, the 2 days I go into the office DD (7) goes to breakfast and after school club. Has done for the last year at least.

Yesterday was meant to be a day in the office but for various reasons I WFH. Dh got home from work at 245 ish, I had been on calls (camera on) since 1pm so other than a quick wave through the window I hadn't spoken to to DH. He had also sent me a WhatsApp but I hadn't seen it/had chance to reply.

About 315 I saw out the corner of my eye DH leaving to get DD even though she was still in after school club (we pay for the place so even if she doesn't go on her booked days we pay and she enjoys it) After making a quick excuse on my call (i was actively partcipating not just in the background)I ran to the door to try and stop him but he was gone, I shouted down the street as well. I then called him and he didn't answer and whatsapp'ed him and no response. Its a 5 min walk to the school.

He then realised when he got there. I did say we'll you might as well pick her up but he came home and a row followed. I apologised for not reminding him and he then said that it was disgusting that I hadn't looked at my phone in 2 hours to reply to his earlier message, that I made him look like an idiot, and a barrage of other insults. We now haven't spoken since yesterday.

This is just another day in the life of arguments at the moment, but if this was me I would have just laughed it off!

I just can't do right for wrong at the moment!

My OH has been like this recently, although it’s slightly different in that I get shouted at for not washing his hoody in a timely manner, leaving a tea canister out on the side of not turning a light out

He works shifts (a lot of 12 hour nights) so does have a lot of time off.

I know shift working is hard and when he is on nights I ask for nothing in return of help. I do all school and nursery runs, housework etc.

He also goes to football most weekends (season ticket holder for our local club as well as going to most away games every weekend)

His job is manual so he can't wfh, where as I can however where he can walk away from his work at the end of a shift and someone else will pick it up, mine is still there the next day.

He's being mean. There's no need for that. I used to get that all the time in the past. My now-DH would just laugh at this sort of thing and say it's no biggie. Especially as none of it is your fault!

Years on, I still have trouble not cowering in dread in this kind of situation. It can take a long time to get over the habitual feeling that you're in the dog box. I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

And you have no chance at all of doing that if someone keeps putting you in the dog box for no particular reason.

Life is hard enough without someone making it worse.

I hope you get as much time away from the kids as he does!

The only time i really get to myself is when I am at work, which is fine. And I support him in doing what he wants as I don't have the hobbies or friends that he does

But he still thinks I am controlling or abusive because I don't always do what he says.

He sounds extremely self-centred, hypersensitive to 'insult' (by which I mean anything that he perceives as a criticism or that makes him look bad in some way - even if nobody else actually cares about it) with little empathy for you.

I think you should ask yourself seriously what you really get out of this relationship and whether it's worth the arguments and groundless insults to you.

How come you have no friends or leisure time?

It doesn't sound like you're the controlling one.

He sounds truly awful.

He is highly abusive and controlling.

You desperately need to ring Women's aid.

Have you family support?

Please tell them what a dreadful environment you live in and your poor children.

You sound so ground down.

Do not give up that job, it will help you get away from him.

This man is a narcissistic gaslighter. Please find a way to leave him.

He doesn’t think you’re controlling or abusive. He’s gaslighting you. He’s telling you you’re the problem so that you weaken your resolve and allow him to control you.

Having been through this I can say that the best thing you can do is to start looking for an out. And in the meantime, change your responses. Stop apologising unless it’s genuinely your fault. Let him sulk; quite frankly it’s already over so there’s nothing to lose. If he becomes violent (this type of person doesn’t like being stood up to) please go straight to the police.

Do you earn more than him? It sounds like he is really threatened by your job as your job is the root of all these arguments. He sounds very misogynistic and like he thinks that you are permitted to work 'a little job' but not have a career, as that's for men, and you should be focusing on the home and child.

Honestly he sounds pretty awful, 'making it clear that all the chores and childcare are still your responsibility'.

There isn't really much you can do to change someone's feelings when they are so deeply rooted in misogyny. You can only decide whether you accept his behaviour or leave

As to what I would do, id stop apologising for a start, you've done fuck all wrong - it's not your job to remind him of your daughters schedule which is the same every week, and its not your job to answer his messages instantly when you're in a long meeting on video.

And then I'd tell him I am not putting up with someone who thinks women should be responsible for domestic things just because they have a vagina, that I enjoy my work, it fulfills me, and I intend to keep doing it. And if he didn't accept that and treat me with respect and do his share of the housework and childcare then it is best to split as you have different ideas of how the family should work. That yelling and sulking are unacceptable ways of communicating. I'd suggest a trial separation to think things over and then you both decide whether you want to get back together after changes have been made or stay apart. As it's not making any of you happy staying together at the moment

I feel this story would need both sides heard

But its the opposite surely? He's actually trying to control you and is being passive aggressive in reaction to your not doing as he says by stonewalling you.
Why would you want to jump on anyone (let alone if you were unwell at the time) if they were acting like a child in a tantrum. That's not attractive!!
You need to discuss his behaviour with him. This is totally unacceptable and unreasonable. He obviously doesn't like you working and somehow maybe jealous of the attention he seems to think he's missing out on.
Like others, I also say don't give up the job you love.Hes being totally unfair.

Zombie

I think he’s insecure and controlling. For example:

He wants you at home away from other guys.

He needed you to jump on him on return from a business trip to prove you still love him and because it’s his right as your husband.

He needs you to respond to his messages immediately as he is A Man and it’s his right and expectation you do so.

He’d likely be quite happy for you to give up your job and take a crap one with hours that match his so he can keep his beady eye on you.

I think I’d leave. I don’t see it getting any better tbh if ge doesn’t listen to you and is insecure.