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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends partner

27 replies

vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 07:21

Long story short, I'm just looking for other peoples perspective as to whether or not I am expecting my friends partner to do more.

Friend currently has 2 DC from previous relationship, 14 and 16.

New partner on the scene. They are having a baby together, shes 30 weeks pregnant.

Should he be a more active role in the previous dc activities such as drop off and pick ups from clubs, or is him doing literally ZERO in terms of that kind of thing acceptable?

I was there yesterday and she was saying how exhausted she is, she's an older mum and she's ready for bed at 6pm! But that she still had to drive out at 10pm (in minus 3/4) to collect daughter from sport. The drive would have been 45 min round trip.

He just sat there. I was actually gobsmacked that he didn't offer to pick up the daughter, or even pretend to have some interest in helping out some way.
Are MY standards too high? Or is this the norm?

I grew up with a stepfather who was a stand in for my dad. We never called him dad, he didn't cross that boundary but we always had his help and support, because he loved my mum and wanted to be part of the family.

Thoughts please? I want to show her what you all say because to me this is one of a very long list of red flags he owns!

OP posts:
Pinkjacket22 · 16/12/2022 08:04

My abusive ex was like this, he would watch me struggle but refused to do anything for my kids from a previous relationship. It was one of a long list of things I was willing to overlook cos I was so desperate to be in a relationship. Tread carefully cos if she is anything like me she will be lying to herself to convince herself it's ok and I cut people off until I was so broken I had no option to see the truth. Thankfully for me I got a lot of support when I was finally ready to leave when our baby was 8 months old. I'm sorry for your friend and for you. This stuff is really upsetting to witness and confusing to be in as he will be saying the words but as you've seen his actions don't match.

YouAreNotBatman · 16/12/2022 08:17

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Personally I believe your kids are your problem,
I can’t stand parents who make their kids into everyone’s misery.

Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 09:50

@YouAreNotBatman I completely agree that her kids are his 'problem' but surely if you agree to blend as a family you support each other when the other clearly needs some help.

OP posts:
Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 09:50

@YouAreNotBatman *arent

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 16/12/2022 09:53

how long have they been together? that will make the difference to my answer

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 09:57

He is part of the family, her children are his problem too now.
I don't know if there is a backstory or what but on the face of it it is a shitty move to let your tired heavily pregnant girlfriend go out late at night it's not even safe for their unborn baby. He should help her as she is tired BECAUSE of the baby he put in her so he has a duty to help.

Ofcourseshecan · 16/12/2022 09:58

He’s the father of the baby she’s carrying, so that’s his responsibility for a start. She wouldn’t be so tired if she wasn’t pregnant. But his attitude generally is appalling.

Her children aren’t a couple of lodgers in the house. They are his family now. I hope he’s just being slow to understand this. If not (as sadly seems likely), she’d be better off alone with DC than with a lazy waster who can watch his exhausted wife drag herself out 10pm.

Bard6817 · 16/12/2022 10:00

Aged 14 and 16, they are difficult ages to step into a child’s life…. It’s much easier to step into step dad roles when they are much younger.

Also, what is their relationship like now? if they are already of the “not my dad” ilk, then it’s best he takes a back seat and just be mums boyfriends.

The degree to which he participates is down to her and him anyway.

I stepped into step dad gradually, 1 aged 6 and 1 aged 11…. I had no end of issues in that role with the 11 year old, but these days at 22 she calls me step dad and amazing for putting up with her shizzle. The 6 year old, im unofficial dad now she’s 17 and have been for a long time. I took on the family - but i think if they had been 14 and 16, i would have helped out of course, but i would have kept more distance and i would have stayed more of a boyfriend than a step parent role.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 10:03

She must have realised all this before she had a baby with him

Unless he was a massive great big help before and totally overnight changed completely?

Moopster · 16/12/2022 12:29

Could be a whole host of reasons why your friend goes out to collect. It could be that she is dropping other girls off who don't know the partner. it could be that this is a good opportunity for mum & daughter time where nobody can over hear the conversation,

Lost123454 · 16/12/2022 12:35

How about you focus on your own life, you sound like a real busy body poking your nose into other people's life's

Agreeable · 16/12/2022 12:44

One thing no one has mentioned.

Where's the father in all this - why is he not doing his share?

I completely agree with one of the replies here.

Not his kids, not his problem.

Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 13:49

@Lost123454 Being a concerned friend and seeking perspective from fellow mumsnetters is in my opinion, far from 'poking my nose' into other people's business!

OP posts:
Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 13:52

@Moopster My friend was only picking up her own daughter, she had already had help dropping her daughter off to her sport from her mother (grandma) because he didn't make any sounds about helping her that time either which is why I know for sure she would have really appreciated him offering to do the pick up.

OP posts:
layladomino · 16/12/2022 13:53

Unless there are other concerns, I wouldn't see that one instance as a 'red flag'. There could be good reasons why she prefers to collect her DD.

That aside, I don't understand the idea thathat step parents shouldn't look after the children. If you've agreed to become a family, then you are all a family. If you move in to someone's house you don't say 'not my house - you have to keep doing all the work'. Because you've agreed to move in together and all that entails. If you've agreed to be a family you act like a family and all that entails.

Aside from that, this is about his pregnant partner being tired and having to turn out late at night when she doesn't feel like it. Whatever that was for - putting petrol in the car, visiting someone, picking up the children, surely you'd want to help. Because we do things to make our partners' loves better if we can (and vice versa).

Step parents have a role in their step-children's lives. Especially if they live with them. It can be a really positive role that makes everyone's lives better. It's really unhealthy and unkind if children are brought up with the attitude of xx isn't your biological parent, so they aren't interested in you and aren't responsible for you.

Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 13:55

@Agreeable Their dad has them every other weekend so he's very hands on. I'm not talking about new partner taking the place of dad, I'm literally just wondering why you wouldn't off help and support to make his girlfriends life easier. When you love and respect someone, that's what you do no?

OP posts:
princesssparklepants · 16/12/2022 13:58

EOW is not "hands on" that is absolute bare minimum of expectation...

Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 14:02

@layladomino I completely agree with everything you have said.

There are many, many red flags which I won't go into on here, this is just one very small example of his behaviour, which I wanted to know if I was being silly about.

I have known my friend for 28 years, and white frankly it's sad to watch. She could be with someone who loves and appreciates her but she seems to have 'settled' for this guy and is now pretty far into it all to change the near future.

OP posts:
Original poster
vixsta2001 · 16/12/2022 14:04

@princesssparklepants every other weekend, the odd night in the week and he also attends all sport at weekends with them when it isn't his weekend. He pays for all things they need and pays child support.

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 16/12/2022 14:06

Yes red flag; it’s not so much that he should help with her kids but if he loves her then he should help her and she is carrying his baby so even more so

5128gap · 16/12/2022 14:08

I don't think he needs to be a stand in dad. They have a dad who is hands on and don't need another. What he does need is to be a better partner to the mother of his child. She was doing an essential errand at 10pm in this weather and he didn't help her. He should have gone for her sake, not because he is a parent to her children.

Newwardrobe · 16/12/2022 14:10

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 10:03

She must have realised all this before she had a baby with him

Unless he was a massive great big help before and totally overnight changed completely?

Sadly there are many women who know how useless their partners are but still have children with them.

catandcoffee · 16/12/2022 14:11

I'm sure this isn't the first time he's not offered to help her ?
Any person who'd let a heavily pregnant Women drive in this awful weather, speaks for itself.

mindutopia · 16/12/2022 14:16

I think it might be a bit weird to take over parenting duties with teens if this is a relatively new relationship (it sounds like it is? even though there is a pregnancy). So I think actually going to do the collecting of dc at 10pm might be a step too far (perhaps their dad could do some of that running around). BUT her partner could be doing other things to make life easier for her. Sorting out the house, cooking dinner, doing the washing up, so she could have a nap in the late afternoon/early evening if that's what she needs.

Laurdo · 16/12/2022 14:17

Unless there's a particular reason that he can't be alone with her daughter I think he should have offered to help. Taxiing a 16 yo is hardly parenting or stepping into her dads shoes.

I don't parent my DPs DS16 and he was 14 when I met him but I've done the odd football run if DP was busy. It's not really about the kid in this case but about supporting your partner.

Being a step parent is hard and although I hate the phrase "you knew what you were getting into", because rarely we actually do, I do think you have to expect that you might have to step in sometimes.

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