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Original poster

Opinions please? :)

51 replies

Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 20:40

Hello!

Wondering if anyone can advise please. I have been in a relationship for a number of months now.

My partner is used to doing things his way and, in my opinion, struggles to listen to other people’s opinions. He is very headstrong and at times this can be a good thing, but recently it is becoming difficult. I didn’t call him out on things during the honeymoon period, but now I am starting to because I want to see a future with this man.

We live separately at the moment. Him in his own flat and me at my parents. We are discussing me potentially moving in at springtime, when his lodger moves out.

I am going to his for Christmas Day this year. Along with his Nan and his Mum. He is cooking for us. He recently just wanted to start decorating his living room.

We were on the phone together tonight and he mentioned about it. I personally feel that with 10 days to go until Christmas, it is not achievable for us to strip the wallpaper, prep the walls, fill in the holes, sand the walls down and then paint (before I moved back to my parents, I had previously completely renovated a three bedroom home).

I literally said to him “I’ve been thinking...” and he sighs and does this tone of voice “thinking what..?” Then gets a little bit shitty with me. I detected he was agitated and told him not to worry. He then kept nagging me to say what I was going to say. I wasn’t really feeling it after him being dismissive, so the telephone conversation ended.

I then get these texts from him, see attached. It is something so minimal, but he glosses over the fact that he got agitated for no reason other than me trying to share my opinion.

I’ve had no apology or anything for his behaviour. Am I being too sensitive?

Opinions please? :)
Opinions please? :)
Opinions please? :)
OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 20:47

Bump

OP posts:
catsnore · 15/12/2022 20:51

It does sound like he's being dismissive of your opinion and you are right to call it out when he does it. However - it is his flat and so it's kind of up to him about the decorating decisions! I can see why it might make him impatient that you want to delay.

Worriere · 15/12/2022 20:52

How many months is 'a number'?

Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 20:55

9 months.

I completely understand about it being his flat. But his tone of voice when he says things is just so horrible. Maybe I’m being over sensitive...

OP posts:
IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 15/12/2022 20:57

It's his flat, so up to him to do whatever he likes with it. Why would you expect an apology? Let him get on with it. If the place isn't decorated in time for Christmas, it'll be his problem. No need for either of you to make a drama out of it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/12/2022 20:58

Hmm. I wouldn't move in with a man who is dismissive of my opinion before he even hears it.

pinneddownbytabbies · 15/12/2022 21:00

You aren't being over-sensitive. Don't move in with him. He likes to do things his way and as far as he's concerned his way is the only way. People like that are extremely difficult to live with, because they will not consider your views or opinions on things. No compromises.

Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:00

It’s not so much about his flat/ the decorating. Quite frankly - it isn’t my place and it won’t be me living in the mess around Christmas time.

it’s more the fact that he never takes on my opinion. He’s a very ‘manly’ man, which in some ways I like, but in other ways he just won’t accept advice easily and can be snappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:02

Also, there was no admitting from him in the text messages that he was shitty with me. He just glossed over it. Which is so annoying!! Grrr !

OP posts:
Idontdoyoga · 15/12/2022 21:03

Let him get on with the project. But he sounds like hard work.
Proceed with caution.

OldFan · 15/12/2022 21:06

Is it just the one room? That doesn't take ten days.

With how he talks/messages, I wouldn't want him as a partner though. Don't like people with a temper, too much like putting up with my dad as a child.

Worriere · 15/12/2022 21:10

I was married to one. Almost made a point of not taking my opinion on board. And never apologised. I divorced him, please learn from my mistakes 😊

Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:12

@OldFan With us both working full time from 7am - 7pm it would. :(

Only time we have is this weekend!

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 15/12/2022 21:16

Big red flag. Think carefully before you commit

pinneddownbytabbies · 15/12/2022 21:17

He's an egotistical arsehole, and he will never treat you as an equal partner in this relationship. He is the sort of person my late DM would have described as a 'Great I Am'.

Convenient for him isn't it, that he can move you into the flat when his lodger moves out. Not only does he get a replacement lodger and the rent paid, he gets sex on tap as well.

I wouldn't be thinking of this as a long-term relationship.

blacksax · 15/12/2022 21:19

Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:12

@OldFan With us both working full time from 7am - 7pm it would. :(

Only time we have is this weekend!

We?

Zanatdy · 15/12/2022 21:19

It’s been 9 months and you shouldn’t be in a position where you’re afraid / reluctant to say or suggest something due to concern about how he will react. I lived with someone like that and had 2 kids with him. It doesn’t get any better.

Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:27

@pinneddownbytabbies not going to lie, it did cross my mind about how convenient it would be for him with me moving in.

having said that, it would be a better option than staying with my parents. I’m 26 and need my independence back. I have £100K in my account from the sale of my previous place, but won’t be able to afford to live from month to month alone.

My boyfriend is a great person and we balance each other out most of the time. I’m overly sensitive and he is so far the other way. People have commented that my aura seems calmer since being with him.

Most of the time, he is really fun to be around. He is just sooo headstrong sometimes that it drives me nuts! On the other hand, I know there is no such thing as a perfect person...

OP posts:
pinneddownbytabbies · 15/12/2022 21:31

Keep your £100k in the bank, and don't spend a penny of it on his flat.

Original poster
Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:33

@pinneddownbytabbies I wouldn’t dream of it. That money is locked down in an account that I can’t access unless I apply to!

That money is for my future x

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 15/12/2022 21:33

Too soon to move in together. You already have concerns, but you're supposed to be in the honeymoon period where you don't argue and everything is wonderful!!

But he never listens to you? Nah. Don't go there.

Mercurian · 15/12/2022 21:37

Your boyfriend will get worse with time particularly if you live together as all the little niggles and irritations will grow bigger.
I would sort out your own accommodation or stay with parents and save.

OldFan · 15/12/2022 21:38

Convenient for him isn't it, that he can move you into the flat when his lodger moves out.

Yes it sounds very, very convenient.

having said that, it would be a better option than staying with my parents. I’m 26 and need my independence back. I have £100K in my account from the sale of my previous place, but won’t be able to afford to live from month to month alone.

Many/most people do @Doodles29 , you can do it. I'd never have lived at home, my independence was too important to me. You wouldn't even really have your independence with him anyway- he'd probably try to order you around/control you far more than your parents, and be much more oppressive to live with.

People have commented that my aura seems calmer since being with him.

That's bollox OP. Auras don't exist. And I'm sure when he gets like this, you don't feel relaxed.

On the other hand, I know there is no such thing as a perfect person...

No, but it's how unpleasant you/anyone would find this, that doesn't make it worth it. And there's no hurry to move in with someone/settle.

FlowerArranger · 15/12/2022 21:41

You have been with him for just 9 months! Why would you want to help him decorate his flat?!!

I wouldn't move in with him just yet. Or ever. Let him find a new lodger. Find yourself a flatshare if you don't want to continue living with your parents.

Somehow I can't see this working out. Whatever you do, listen to that voice in your gut...

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2022 21:46

Obviously we only have your perspective on the conversation you had but I thought his text messages were fine. Whereas your text messages were annoying OP. Your behaviour is rather passive-aggressive and it seems you want to be right. You've told him what you think. He doesn't agree. Stop going on about it! Its his flat so his decision.

Sounds like this isn't really a love match. He's replacing his lodger with you and you're using him as a way to move out of your parents without compromising your lifestyle (or spending your £100K!)

I won't even get into the "calmer aura" bullshit.

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